


From Hell to the Moon

by ParabolaBeam



Category: Dangan Ronpa, Dangan Ronpa: Another Episode, Toukomaru, fukawa touko - Fandom, komaru naegi - Fandom, naegi komaru - Fandom, syomaru, touko fukawa - Fandom
Genre: Awkward Romance, Eventual Sex, F/F, Romantic Fluff, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-07-14 18:11:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 58,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7184750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParabolaBeam/pseuds/ParabolaBeam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And everywhere in between, there is something important that can't be broken. [Updates on the way after I get my life together for holiday madness, thanks for being patient!]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I was always watching Komaru from the back.

 

I'd learned to read the feelings written there, between her shoulders, as they gradually straightened from a meek, cowering bystander into something more.

 

Watching from the back had been a comfort, until I'd seen her from the front as if for the first time, standing on that truck and baring the hope that was in her heart to people who were suffering, sick with despair.

 

She'd touched their hearts, but for it, the adults had bound her hands, had perverted the justice and encouragement she'd tried so hard to impart.

 

_Let go of her. Don't drag Komaru into despair. Don't use her words so purely spoken to excuse the damage your war will reap from her conscience. You're all disgusting, worse than the lowest and most vulgar of them all. Don't. Don't you dare hurt her, or I'll hurt you worse._

 

Komaru kept fighting, and I kept following. I watched her legs straighten, no longer shaking like a newborn fawn's, a current of lightning in motion tracing up from her stance all the way into her shoulders, square and defiant.

 

For the first time, I find myself fearing light that I find in her eyes, because she's done everything to ignite it, to nurture it.

 

It's a light that's warmed me as well.

 

If despair crowds around it, Komaru will feel it to her core.

 

She has no idea how vulnerable she is, and the feeling that she'll be shown, that she'll be hurt-is inexorable and suffocating. The worry lingers unread upon my back as we approach the end.

 

Imagining the worst case scenario is no comparison to watching it unfold before my eyes.

 

Komaru holds the controller. Monaca gloats, Kotoko screams, I push. She won't break it. Monaca gloats, Kotoko screams, Haiji threatens, I watch. My fingernails are disgusting, chewed clean off, but Komaru won't break it, and a mob of idiots are heaping their broken dreams upon her back, upon Komaru's back, and she's crying, _they're hurting her they're all hurting her they're hurting my Komaru-_

Monaca shows her, and Komaru's light vanishes. Hope was excised from her throat in an instant as, brittle and broken, she apologizes.

 

_It's impossible._

 

She believes those horrible words again.

 

What she'd gathered of a crumbling world to find the most meager of footholds on, suffering heartache every step of the way, had been pounded to powder right before her eyes. In the corner of my eye I see Monaca smile, I know she used Komaru-

 

_-groomed her, toyed with her, lead her by the nose the whole way. Built her up, let me build her up, made me take part in molding her for this moment-she used me too, the jagged parts of me to carve an idol, an angel with waxen wings in the middle of hell; she used our friendship-_

_-my love for Komaru._

 

She raises her arms high and my words can't reach her.

 

My words were the only part of me that were worth anything, until now, until her.

 

_It's normal for a friend to help a friend._

 

We're but a few steps apart and yet Monaca's evil has put her a thousand leagues away. She's in that hell all alone now. The light around her is gone, leaving only darkness, but I know there's nowhere I'd rather be in this moment than at her side.

 

Deep in my heart, from the light Komaru left me, I hear it. I hear her crying out to me for help.

 

_Don't let me. Don't let me do it, Touko._

 

My legs are free. They take me there, to her.

 

_I won't let you. I won't let you. Just come back to me._

 

She's still so far away, but I got it. I have it.

 

Her life, in my _(wretched, ugly)_ hands. I'll hold on as long as I have to.

 

I endure the pain. Endure, endure. Thank god. Thank _god_ he's hitting me. Pain like this is transient and temporary compared to a life where Komaru lives in despair.

 

The word friend comes out of my mouth so easily when it's about her. The ceiling collapses, but I can take Komaru from here. Her hand feels cold inside of mine, but I can feel her holding on.

 

My hand stings as I clap it across her cheek.

 

A small price to pay for reigniting the light in her eyes.

 

Why, with her, do I find myself just...doing things, without question?

_I don't know what to call it._

_I'm lying._

_I know exactly what I think of Komaru, but-_

 

She does the same for me, and I can't hide from it.

 

She's here with me. Suffering with the same stinging hands, our hands that have protected each other.

_"My hand hurts...But that's not the only thing that hurts."_

 

Mine don't shake when they pull her close.

 

_"We're the same. If you can't do something on your own...all I have to do is help you. If I can't do something on my own...all you have to do is help me. Helping each other...that's the advantage of working together, right?"_

 

Komaru is warm. She's getting warmer and I can feel her breathing lightly against my throat. A ragged sigh tears through my chest, and my glasses start to fog. My fingers grasp the back of her shirt a little tighter.

 

It doesn't make sense.

 

Or rather...it shouldn't.

 

But looking at her...

 

Well. I'd said it myself.

 

We're the same.

 

I see feelings reflected in her eyes, that have been there maybe longer than I could've...understood.

 

_"We can't be distracted by the stuff that doesn't make sense. Focus on what's happening now. What do you want to do right now? Have you decided...?"_

_"...Yeah. I have."_

 

She echoes my words back to me.

_"I want to protect both."_

 

Komaru bites her lip like she's thinking deeply. It's just a moment.

 

It's just another moment when her hands ease under my bent elbows, unsure, at first, then tighter.

 

It's just another moment when she clutches the fabric in her hands, another when I hear my name, pressed reverently into my own mouth.

 

I can't move at all. I can't fathom what is happening.

 

Every time that she spoke my name...

 

...it had come from so soft a place?

 

That my name could pass through somewhere so-

 

-so _perfect_ -

 

I feel warmth in my eyes. It escapes down one cheek, then the other. My mouth is shaking and my chin feels numb. I can't believe it. I can't believe it at all, but-

 

-I want to remember this forever. I want to remember Komaru forever.

 

I don't know when my fingers had decided to clench themselves into her sleeves, but they drop and slip perfectly between hers as she eases back, not meeting my eyes.

 

_"H-H-Holy...shit, Komaru-"_

 

_"...And...that. I wanted...to do that. Right now...and maybe for-for a long, long time already, Touko-I-"_

 

 _"H-Hold on. Not yet. N-Not yet, Komaru."_ She swallows. _"Hmph. Greedy girl,"_ I add, _"now's...not the time. After all-"_

We face the edge of the world together.

_"-we've got a job to do."_

 

Despair approaches, but we're ready for it.


	2. Chapter 2

In the end, I didn't have the courage to talk about it again.

 

Fighting despair, hand in hand, actual _fighting_ , fine. I'd managed because Touko had been right there with me.

 

The thought of asking her if I could tell her everything I'd meant to? Reminding her what I'd done? Totally different story.

 

That being said, I'm one thousand percent sure neither of us have forgotten. It's strange, but I feel like that memory, of just the two of us-I think I can feel it filling the space in every silence. I can feel that memory filling every part of my body when I look at her, when I catch myself staring at her mouth when she scolds me for zoning out. I just see us on that balcony again. Her lips are chapped and rough, and though I only kissed her once I can remember every crease, the parts that tasted slightly more of copper.

 

I want to tell her. I want to tell her so badly.

 

I can't even sleep right. I'm pretty sure tonight is the first where Touko has fallen asleep before me. I lay restless beside her and wish for things that I shouldn't. I'm too scared to even think them explicitly, because I know they are thoughts that would hurt Touko, and the person she truly cares most for.

 

I think about winding my fingers with hers. I imagine touching the inside of her wrist lightly enough to feel her veins.

 

But just being together with her like this means everything. I've overcome so many fears by being with her, but the fear of being without her immobilizes me. Would things change if I told her all I was going to say? Or any of the other stuff that makes my chest squeeze up?

 

_I want to kiss you again, Touko. I don't want our adventure, our time together to ever end. I don't want to wait until another moment that we're suffering to feel so close to you again. I just want to tell you everything, like I promised you I would, and I can't even work up the nerve-_

 

I had believed Touko when she said she wanted to hear it. But once again, the trouble came with believing in myself.

 

"Touko-" I turn abruptly in the bed we're sharing, getting shy and losing confidence at the last second and mumbling my question into her shoulder, '-are you awake?"

 

She's facing away from me; this might not be so hard after all. She groans and shifts her legs, and in the glow of the dusk filtering through the half-raised blinds gummed with months' worth of dust and grime, I can see her skirt's slit splayed open around her thigh. Touko swallows hard and I feel her shoulder scrunching up against my mouth, and for a moment, I wonder what would happen if I squeezed her around the waist and parted my lips against the pulse in her throat.

 

As soon as the thought crosses my mind, I get a feeling like something hot is melting suddenly in my stomach. My heart is pounding fast at the thought of it, of feeling Touko's heartbeat against my lips, and I realize that with my chest pushed so close against her back, she can probably feel mine.

 

She's holding so still that I can't tell whether she's asleep or awake and just not answering me.

 

"Hey...Tou-" Absently, I put my hand on her shoulder as I try again, stopping short as soon as I touch her. She just...feels so fragile for a moment, and my breath catches.

 

"No, Komaru..." Touko mumbles, inhaling sharply.

 

"A-Ah-I'm sorry, I know it's late and you must be tired, I'll ask you later-"

 

"N-No-don't-" Her voice creaks and I realize she's still asleep.

 

She must be having a dream, so...

 

...Is it a dream about me?

 

Her breathing sounds heavy and rough, and it worries me. A gasp passes through her parted lips and her body trembles. Without hesitation, I shake her shoulder, and she rolls around toward me, her face contorted in agony.

 

"N-N-Not Komaru- _not Ko...maru_ -!" An awful noise escapes her lips; she's grinding her teeth. Around her eyes is all swollen and red and puffy and listening to her cry out is breaking my heart-

 

I have to wake her up.

 

"T-Touko-Touko, I'm here-"

 

Even as her expression is stricken and pained to such an extreme, I can't keep from noticing how beautiful she is; her cheek bones are sleek and high, and the beauty mark right at the edge of her jaw traps my gaze irresistibly between her lips and her pale throat.

 

She lunges into me and hugs me tightly around the small of my back, knocking the wind from my lungs. She's breathing like she's been running her entire life, and I do the only thing I can think to do, and cross my arms behind her shoulders, drawing her in tightly. It ends with my legs tangled with hers, my back arched in from the pressure, and her chest shuddering to a steady, slower rise and fall against my stomach, hot, humid breath trapped in the soft cotton over the chest of my uniform with her every exhale.

 

Finally, after what feels like forever, she is still.

 

Before I can venture once more to ask whether or not she's awake, Touko makes a short, muffled sound into me.

 

"Touko...?"

 

She does it again, except for longer, and louder, and her shoulders shake, before-

 

Her head snaps back with a screeching cackle, her tongue lolling wildly out of her mouth.

 

"Mmm, Dekomaru...where do you get off holding me so _tightly_ , huh? I didn't take you as the type with a suffocation fetish! Kyahehehehe!"

 

"Wh-Wha-?!" My mouth dropped open in shock; what had happened? As far as I knew, only sneezing or the stun gun were capable of bringing Syo out of Touko, and certainly neither had been invoked. "H-How did you change-? W-Wahh-!"

 

Syo had bolted upright and began jumping on the bed, clutching her skirts and shrieking with delight as she twirled precariously. When she was like this she always seemed like she was off-balance to some degree, and her energy was intoxicating. It was fascinating how effortlessly she could move, how she dripped confidence with each unconscious sway of her hips.

 

"What's it matter?...Aren't you happy to see me? _Mmm_ , Miss Morose is going to be _soo-oo-oo_ jealous that I got to be held so _close_ -" Syo clasped her hands over her cheeks dramatically, swaying and wiggling and swishing her skirt, "-to beloved Dekomaru's pounding, forceful heartbeat! What an unbelievably, unabashed, unparalleled assault of the senses! Kyahehehe!"

 

My jaw went slack as I turned over what she'd just said in my head, heard it once more to myself.

 

_Beloved?_

 

Her heels came down hard enough on the bed to spring me flailing into the air, and she caught me around the waist and clutched my sagging form upright against her.

 

"Yoo-hoo! Dekomaru! I asked you a question! Jee-eez, so spacey... _Haahhh_..." Syo sighs impatiently, and I blurt out-

 

"O-Of course I'm happy! I was just surprised-like I said, I don't understand how it happened-!"

 

"Who knows? Maybe all this _skinship_ is creating sparks of its own...! All this heat coming off your face..." She dipped her chin forward slowly, locking eyes with mine, "...your blood's hot enough to cook a four-course meal with! You're steeping my heart in your virgin aura, and when I think of what you did to Miss Morose, I can't help but want a taste!"

 

I felt like the air had been sucked from my lungs. "Wh-What I...did...?" In my heart of hearts, I already know what she means. Her grin broadens and her fingers twist and contort in the back of my shirt like she's trying to spread them over as wide an area as possible as she holds me, and I feel goosebumps raising on my skin. My hands are on her shoulders again, and by all means, they should be the same shoulders as before, laying beside her as she cried out for me-but now I'm the one who feels fragile, like she could knock me away with a feather.

 

"Why, you stole something of course! The promised _first kiss_ , meant for Master's lips-gone forever, without a trace! It's downright unfair...it's completely unexpected! I never expected a girl like you to move us in such a way...! Even now, looking at those lost, desperate eyes, I can see straight down to your heart, where Miss Morose is too scaredy-cat to look!"

 

She's seeing right through me. I dip my head and hide my expression, so she doesn't see how Byakuya's mention affects me. I'd been trying so hard to avoid thinking about it that being faced with it now nearly undoes me on the spot.

 

But...

 

She'd also said I'd moved her. That Touko was afraid of what was in my heart.

 

"B-But why?" I find my voice suddenly, shaky though it is, "Why would she be afraid of-of something like that?"

 

Like she's far away, I hear her speaking.

 

"Because you've changed us."

 

Her expression is completely serious.

 

"...What do you m-?"

 

"You know what you want, and so does she...and so do I. But if you can't breathe a word of it to her...or even to _me_ -" She tilts my chin upwards, and a sense of anticipation hangs between us, "-then I will need to have my _precious thing_ returned to me-just so that I may decide what to do with it!"

 

I clap my hands over my mouth, shaking and tearful. I hate myself for being so selfish, but I'm not ready yet, I don't want to...to give it up, even if it's as Syo is saying.

 

I'm afraid of how final it will be.

 

Syo lets a delighted sound rupture through her, laughter on the verge of becoming a full on fit, and her long fingers close around my wrists, starting to wrestle my hands away. The struggle makes us wobble precariously, and I squeak with surprise as I'm forced to a kneel, and then onto my back on the mattress. I know Syo isn't nearly using her full strength, that she could topple me and trip me in an instant, so the fact that she's being... _gentle_ makes me feel a little relieved, like I haven't completely lost from the get go.

 

I don't know what anything means. I don't know if it's safe to hope for something like what I want, like knowing I can tell her my feelings and that she'd return them. I'm so stupid, because I did what I did and said what I said, knowing how she felt about Byakuya-

 

-or at least, thinking I knew-

 

Syo hissed impatiently, fanning her fingers brazenly over the outside of my thigh, cupping the space behind my knee and sliding me closer, completely unaffected by how deep my blush was running. Without further hesitation, she swung her leg over me and seated herself on top, knees open around my hips. Her fingers seemed to linger over my leg distractedly, like she was looking for something that wasn't there, and I felt unbearably powerless to resist how much I felt for her.

 

"You're soft, Dekomaru..." Her voice is quiet, and her hand traces from my thigh to the slit in her torn skirt, fingers spreading to expose the marks patterning her upper thigh. "See...? Nothing like me."

 

_No. That wasn't true._

 

"Y-You know...Byakuya might get the wrong idea if he saw us like this."

 

I hear my voice shaking under my hands with the effort not to cry, and I know instantly that she's heard it. I don't fight back as her fingers thread through mine and hold my hands down. I wince expectantly, but she doesn't move to close the distance.

 

"Are you suggesting that I'd let him see something so personal...? Kyahehehe! Well _too bad_! Even if he's into girl-on-girl action, _I don't share_!" She erupts into side-splitting laughter again and I speak up desperately as she leans closer.

 

"W-Wait!"

 

"Time's up, Dekomaru! I need my precious thing back right away!"

 

I resign myself to the fact that this is just...going to happen.

 

I'm not going to be able to protect the kiss I gave her.

 

The realization sinks in my chest like a stone sinking into the ocean, getting carried further and further away.

 

Everything that it meant is...going to be taken away and given to someone else. My heart pounds furiously.

 

_But if you can't breathe a word of it to her...or even to me-_

 

"S-STOP!"

 

I can't let it happen. I have to tell her why. She has to know.

 

"I-I can't give it back! I won't!"

 

"Orororo?! What the hell-?"

 

"I mean it!" I raise my voice, my eyes burning, "What I did, was just-it was just from me to you! It's not for _anyone_ else! So, you can't...you just can't...!" I paw away my tears on my knuckles, trembling with a fear that I can safely say exceeds that of any I've felt since our journey began.

 

"It was for her."

 

"You're wrong! It was for you, too! Both of you are...are precious to me!"

 

Silence chokes the room again. It's another one of those silences where I feel that moment from before filling the space again. Her hands clasp mine tighter, and she hangs over me, motionless. Through her hair, I can't see her expression.

 

"It's not...it's not for you to take if you're going to give it away. Not for Byakuya, not for anyone." I sob miserably. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Touko I-"

 

"I understand, Dekomaru. I understand you, and her. Her hesitation, and her fear. You're new for her, but she'd never do anything to risk losing you. She can't admit anything just yet because she's safe so long as she doesn't. Her love is a fragile, scary, and...at times, overpowering force. She's afraid of exposing you fully."

 

I listen, dumbstruck. She's only talked like this once before, and back then, she'd had a blade pointed to my throat.

 

Nothing's changed. The blade this time bears the name of love.

 

In retrospect, it did back then, too.

 

Syo's thumb slides hard over my cheek as another tear rolls down.

 

"You make her vulnerable again. She feels when she looks at you. Our every emotion, feeling, and impulse...they're all speaking as one, saying that they want nothing more or less than to protect you. That's why-"

 

Her expression is impossible to describe.

 

"-the sight of your blood, even only in a dream, is enough to awaken me."

 

Everything locks into place at once, and my heart aches for her. That I could mean so much to her shakes me to my core.

 

"...Let me take it."

 

"H-Huh...?"

 

"...It's mine, isn't it?" She lets go of my hands and slides one of hers against my cheek, the other's fingertips under my chin, her thumb smoothing over my bottom lip and pulling it open-

 

My mouth feels wet and my throat is tight and my chest hurts so good and her weight on me feels right-

 

"Yeah-" I breathe out, barely, "-If...this isn't wrong, then..." I reach out for her shoulders, wrap my arms around them again, "...I am."

 

Syo nearly goes into a fit of giggles once more, but manages to squelch the urge.

 

"So what if the sun sets on the wrong side? The day still ends. And when it rises on the opposite side...it's a miracle anyway." She sounds far more cheerful, and I'm relieved enough to really smile this time. I know what she means.

 

Just because her feelings of love changed over time, it didn't make her any less of someone who could love. She's trying her hardest to understand.

 

"If it means my shadow will be cast upon you, Dekomaru, I'd rather be wrong with you than right with anyone else."

 

The weight in my chest seems to explode when she lays slack against me, her mouth full against mine, teeth edging playfully at the corner of my smile. Our legs are tangled up together and I don't ever want to let go. She's so enthusiastic I can hardly breathe but I can't help but kiss her back-

 

"Hhwah...haah...tchoo!"

 

"A-Ah-"

 

"...What the hell?! K-Komaru-! What just happened?!"

 

"Y-You don't know?!"

 

Touko looks into my eyes, at the reddened state of my lips, at our-

 

_-position-_

 

"...What did she do to you?! That impulsive, i-impossible woman-!"

 

"N-Nothing! She didn't do anything bad to me!"

 

"Wh-What did she tell you?" Her tone is dripping with accusation, and her hands are trembling as she covers her face. "...Th-That...that bitch! Komaru, you can't let her push you around, okay-?" Her words are harsh, but I can see the pink in her cheeks, "-If she ever tries to kiss you again, just...kn-knock her lights out on the headboard, I swear-!"

 

A beat.

 

"How...did you know she tried to kiss me?"

 

Touko bristles up like a hedgehog hiding for shelter.

 

"How can I h-help it when she's...such a noisy woman?! I-I was worried! Do you know what it's like waking up over you when y-you're all...debauched?! Seriously...j-just, do me a favor and crack her skull against the floor next chance you get!"

 

"T-Touko!...That's mean. And just...don't worry, okay?" I felt a yawn escaping me. After all that, I did feel pretty tired. Touko grumbled, but she let me pull her into bed and smush myself into her arms. They were rigid for a moment before she settled them carefully around my back.

 

"I-I still expect an explanation in the morning-"

 

"Yeah." I smile as I close my eyes, "I'll tell you everything tomorrow."

 

_This time._


	3. Chapter 3

I know something happened.

 

The fact that Komaru is still sound asleep like a baby and I'm actually up before her says enough.

 

I'm not completely ignorant-little flashes of the night before, of memories I shouldn't have-I can feel them, where certain things pressed close enough to one heart to touch the other, bridging the two.

 

_The heavy beating of Komaru's heart wakes me from a nightmare._

 

_Komaru's body struggles underneath, her skirt hikes, lips part with shock. Her eyes plead._

 

_The warmth of her bare thigh beneath my hand, the lingering sensation of moisture on my lips that's not mine._

 

They're all pieces of an infuriating puzzle, a partial picture of the previous night that implies something happened between us that would not have come to pass if only I'd had control.

 

The fact that I changed at all-that Syo awoke in me-felt completely unfair: I'd gone from that horrible dream, from seeing Komaru murdered in the name of despair, to-

 

...Beneath me. Breathless, but very, very much alive. Eyes hooded and pupils blown, beautiful in that damning, clumsy way of hers-I could curse her name for having affected me so much with the sight of her that she'd let me see with my own two eyes-

 

Shit. Fuck. God _damn_.

 

Why does she have to be so-

 

-so _fucking_ warm? Her mouth is close to mine, having tilted towards me in her sleep, and just looking at her serene expression makes my chest feel strange inside.

 

She's...

 

...going to tell me something, right?

 

That's what she said, and I...do believe her.

 

She's going to tell me what I think she is, right? Why do I feel so afraid then?

 

Is it because I'd have to react in a way that will betray Master Byakuya?

 

I try to imagine saying to Komaru that I can't return her feelings, and my stomach twists with nausea. It just feels wrong.

 

 _Fukawa, you idiot_ , a voice inside me scolds, _what if what she wants to say isn't even remotely along the lines of what you're thinking?_

 

...

 

...

 

...Like hell. It's almost certainly exactly that. What else would be so urgent she'd feel the need to tell me right after kissing me-?

 

_"...And...that. I wanted...to do that. Right now...and maybe for-for a long, long time already, Touko-I-"_

 

I start connecting dots in my head, thinking back to times when I'd found Komaru's actions and words to be irrational in the moment, now trying to glean new meaning from them within the context of what she'd told me after kissing me.

 

In the subway, after we made up-

 

I'd insisted that Master Byakuya was still my number one. I'd asked whether or not that was okay with her, and-

 

I nearly groaned aloud. Looking back, saying what I'd said-

 

It almost made it sound like I felt like I was in a relationship with her, too.

 

_"Friends are more like..._

 

_...Never mind. I dunno._

 

_Well, I don't think you have to really define it right now...Just act like you normally do."_

 

Had she been hesitant to define it because the future she wanted for us was more than what she'd have had to describe?

 

How shrewd, to keep me in the dark, so I'd eventually come to the conclusion of how I felt for her all on my own!

 

...Pointedly ignoring the fact that my justification is ringing hollow even to me, I rack my brain for more examples. But the more I think about it, the more it feels like, while Komaru has changed over time, I get the feeling that the heart of everything she's shared with me is alike in genuinity.

 

I don't think she's lied to me once. She's changed and grown, but I don't think she's ever said something to me that she didn't believe in with all of her heart.

 

...Who am I, next to her?

 

I've been deceptive at the very least, manipulative at worst. She's simple, and forthright...

 

I can't even be honest with myself.

 

But...

 

That's why I've been able to count on her so far, isn't it? Because I trust her to see through me, don't I.

 

I've relied on her.

 

When we met, she'd begged for help, for the permission to rely on me, but I've done it with her just as much.

 

At least just as much.

 

Just when I'm thinking how fortunate it is that she's still asleep and unable to see the way I'm looking at her, I hear the Togami corporation's laptop that we travel with, blaring to life and ringing on the desk across the room.

 

Just my luck.

 

_Okay! Time to compartmentalize this entire fucking morning and just agree with myself that I'm gonna deal with all the weird-ass, hippy-dippy feelings bullshit later and just fly by the seat of my pants if and when Komaru gets her shit together and tells me her godforsaken secret._

 

I detach myself from Komaru reluctantly and try to cross the room fast enough to keep the laptop from making anymore noise.

 

Too fast. I smash my shin on the edge of the desk and swear loudly, hissing as I answer the call.

 

"Fukawa, speaking. This better be good."

 

The static onscreen clears, and the face of Komaru's brother appears on the video feed.

 

"Oh, good-it's you. Listen, Touko-is Komaru with you right now?"

 

...Unlike him, to cut right to the chase like this.

 

"Er...yeah? Of course she is. Where else would she be-?"

 

"Is she in the room with you though?"

 

"...She's asleep. Makoto, what's going on? You're acting all weird-"

 

"I know, sorry. There's something I need to tell you."

 

_To tell me? As in, he's not going to tell Komaru? He's acting like he doesn't even want her to know. Wait..._

 

"I-If this is an admission of love I'm telling you straight up that I have no time for that shit right now-!"

 

"N-Nothing like that!" His getting flustered restores the balance of the conversation somewhat. "It's about-Komaru's missing classmates."

 

I'm starting to get a really bad feeling about where this conversation is going.

 

"Seven of Komaru's classmates went missing during the beginning of the Incident. The only trace of them was-"

 

"Thirty-five fingers, mailed to the school, right?...She's told me all about it."

 

Makoto blinked, stunned. "She...talked to you about it?...That's good. When she wouldn't even tell me how she was feeling, I got a little worried."

 

In spite of myself, I felt a satisfied smirk tugging at my lips. "Oh, what's this? Are you all jealous that her trust in me is overshadowing her brother complex?"

 

"Not at all." Makoto looks completely nonplussed and infuriatingly cheerful as he goes on to say, "I'm just glad she has you."

 

...Shit.

 

"Wh-Whatever. Hurry up and tell me what you were gonna say before she wakes up."

 

"R-Right. So...the checkpoints you've both been visiting to hack the scrambling devices responsible for jamming the communication and energy sources in the city have had a tremendous impact on improving the inhabitants' quality of life. You've made things a lot easier for everyone."

 

"No kidding. Turns out people really appreciate having wifi and hot water."

 

"Yeah. And thanks to the files you recovered from Taichi Fujisaki's computer, Kyoko found a program he'd been working on that was meant to be uploaded to the mainframe of the Towa Hills network, where the main hub of the jamming device was located. It works as a sort of backdoor scanner that lists all the devices affected by the jamming signal: everything from computer systems to small portable devices, like cell phones, each with the records of their owners encrypted and compiled within the storage data of the device. As long as the device originated from within Towa City, there's information stored about it that we've been able to gain access to."

 

The bad feeling I was getting before starts feeling more and more like a ticking time bomb. It's a lot of information to take in, but I think I know where this is going.

 

"Don't tell me...You found the records of-"

 

"-Of all of her classmates that were abducted." Makoto's expression was grim. "They're together, too. Technically it could just be their phones and not... _them_ ," He visibly cringed, trying to put it delicately, "but...with the jammer in place it wouldn't have been necessary to take anybody's phones."

 

"Yeah. I really doubt they did. That sounds like exactly the kind of despair-inducing bullshit they'd enjoy-letting people keep their phones so they could try and fail to call for help..." I've been chewing my fingers to nubbins, and I taste raw skin along the side of my nail, but I can't help but be...furious, disgusted. "So then...y-you found where they are, didn't you? That's what you're getting at, right?"

 

"...Yes. The signals are coming from inside the Towa Hills' building's private kitchen."

 

"At least it's a building I know. Makes it easier to stay away from it."

 

Makoto sighs and I realize immediately that it's not gonna be that simple. I groan aloud, feeling my eyes rolling back into my head, because, _here it comes_ , almost certainly what will be the explanation of why there's no choice but to go back there and risk finding them.

 

"J-Just spit it out already. What's this absolutely damning reason that we need to go there?"

 

"According to the program's built-in topographical schematic of the building, the room connected to the one where the signals were traced to contains an emergency access point meant to re-fire the jamming system in the event that all of the scramblers go offline."

 

"...So in other words, we have no choice but to disable it sooner rather than later."

 

"...Yeah. Fortunately, the rooms are connected in such a way that you shouldn't even need to go into the room where the bodies may be. It's just a matter of..."

 

"...Making sure Komaru doesn't go in?"

 

Speak of the devil; she makes a noise from the bed and I nearly snap my neck looking back to make sure she's not awake. Thank god she isn't, because my reaction would've been a dead giveaway that we were talking about her. Makoto's shoulders tense up until I shake my head to let him know it's still safe to talk.

 

"I...know it's a lot to ask. And, hopefully, even if it comes to going in that room, it's been a while, so she might not...know who they are."

 

"'Hopefully they've rotted beyond recognition by now', you mean to say."

 

"I...hate to talk about her classmates like that. Especially Chieko, she...was Komaru's closest friend..."

 

My teeth clenched just a little. I remembered her telling me about Chieko. "Checko", she'd referred to her as, so affectionately.

 

_...I'm not jealous. I'm..._

 

"But...for Komaru's sake..." Makoto's expression was pained and his gaze downcast. "I just...don't want her to get hurt. Ever since this all began, we've never really had a choice. So I guess just this once, while there's a chance-"

 

"Y-You don't have to yap so much. I get it, you know? I don't want Komaru to be hurt either." Right as the words are coming out of my mouth, I realize I'm being suspiciously forward about how I feel. But he only sighs with relief and smiles weakly.

 

"Touko, I...can't thank you enough. Really, I-"

 

"J-Just a second," I cut in, irritated, "I said I understand what you mean. But...I don't like hiding something like this. It doesn't feel-it's just-"

 

It bothers me.

 

It _really_ bothers me.

 

It reminds me of how I felt before, when I supported Komaru with impure motives. Lying by omission, saying things to her that I didn't mean-

 

"-She's not an idiot, Makoto. She knows me too well. And besides that, she's-she's not such a weakling anymore. You should have a little more faith than that."

 

Like a scolded child, he looked down, almost a little ashamed. "...You're right Touko. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"

 

"It's fine. I get it." Silence. "Let me...let me think about it, okay?" The guilt in his eyes is a little too real for me to handle. "Just...keep it together and don't bawl like your sister does, one of you crying is already unbearable enough."

 

"Hey, are you guys talking about me?"

 

Komaru's voice pierces through me as she sits up in bed, and I feel the blood drain from my face.

 

"K-Komaru!" Makoto exclaims, way too obviously.

 

"Makoto! Is that you?" Komaru exclaims cheerfully and all but leaps out of bed, kicking herself free from the blankets and running over, leaning so close over my shoulder that our cheeks are touching.

 

The blood comes back to my face so quickly I feel dizzy.

 

Good thing Makoto's too flustered to notice.

 

"What's going on? You don't usually call unless it's an emergency..."

 

"Uh...y-yeah! Th-That's...true-"

 

_...Does not being able to lie to save your life run in the family or something?_

 

"I-It's an emergency, all right. Your precious big bro couldn't go another moment without wanting to see you, so he called me to beg for pictures of your sleeping face!"

 

He might not like it or approve of it, but that's what he deserves for being so inept and putting me on the spot like this.

 

"Wh-What?! Makoto, that's not true, is it?" Komaru hit him with the full force of her pout, and I saw his resolve weaken.

 

_Don't screw this up._

 

"S-Sorry, Komaru! I guess I'm caught red-handed. You're not too mad at me, are you...?"

 

Komaru folded her arms and turned away.

 

"I wouldn't worry about her. For someone who m-moans your name in her sleep all the time, any anger she feels is probably temporary so long as you promise to k-kiss her forehead to make it up to her-"

 

A pillow collides with the side of my face and I reel back.

 

"T-Touko! That's weird, stop it!"

 

"H-Hey! Don't blame me for your brother complex! I'm just calling it how I see it!" Her cheeks are burning up, and Makoto laughs. Just like that, all the tension from before seems entirely diffused. Rubbing my cheek, I turn back to him.

 

"A-Anyway...You mentioned something about an important access point in Towa Hills, r-right?" I try to keep my tone casual. "We'll check it out soon."

 

"Yeah. Thanks...thanks a lot, Touko."

 

"D-Don't make it weird. It's what we're here for, isn't it?"

 

"I'll leave it up to you then." He says seriously. "Take care of Komaru for me, okay?"

 

"Makotooo!" Komaru wails out.

 

" _Makotooo!_ " I mimic her, rolling my eyes and dodging another swing of her pillow. "We'll take care of it."

 

He hangs up and I power off the device. It's just me and Komaru again. I can feel a certain...tension surrounding us that neither of us are brave enough to comment on. And frankly, I'm too anxious about the situation looming ahead to even be ready for what Komaru had planned on telling me, whatever it was going to be.

 

"So...what are we gonna take care of?"

 

...Might as well bite the bullet. Having a goal in sight is reassuring, at least.

 

It's just a matter of figuring out to do when we get there.

 

"We need to get to Towa Hills. I'll explain on the way."

 

...

 

It's a pretty long way to Towa Hills, but it still felt like it took us way less time than I thought it would to get there. Probably some combination of the fact that we know this city like the back of our hands, and that the effort we've put in to taking out the Monokumas has made travel a little easier.

 

But really, I just think it's mostly God taking a shit on me because I'm scared of what we'll find there.

 

Komaru's effort has done a pretty good job plowing us through. We're at the entrance to the building in record time.

 

"Hey, Touko?"

 

"Wh-What? Yeah?"

 

Komaru frowns. "Are you...feeling okay? You've been pretty quiet most of the way."

 

"Y-You know I suck at small talk. If you wanted a conversation you should've taken responsibility and started one." Komaru gets a funny look on her face. It's hard to describe, but it's almost like...she's relieved for me to be scolding her. "I-I mean, you've been pretty quiet too. Something on your mind?"

 

"Yeah, guess I should've said something earlier. I guess I was just caught up thinking about-stuff."

 

"Hmph. How specific."

 

"No, well-?" She taps her finger on her chin, deep in thought, "It's like, how do I say it, um..."

 

This...

 

...reminds me of something.

 

That time in the factory. Haiji had fucked off to who-knows-where for a second and we'd had a moment to talk-

 

_"No, that’s not what I was going for, though, gosh, what I want to say is I… I love you, Touko."_

 

The memory is flipping my stomach over; I could maybe honestly throw up right now, if I'd actually eaten breakfast this morning. I can't think about it without feeling nauseous and I don't know why, but hearing those words in my head makes me feel like the world is upside down and I could fall into the stars.

 

"I guess, I'm just happy that I'm here with you. That...that you decided to stay with me. Even when stuff is quiet it's just...it means everything to me that we're doing this together."

 

My face feels warm again. I can't believe she'd choose here and now to tell me all this, it's hardly the ideal setting-

 

The air is dead, acrid and ashen with death and dust. There's no gentle, sweet-smelling breeze to tickle the ribbon on the front of her uniform or the pleats of her skirt. Perspiration plagues our skin and our clothes are stained and ratty. I can't help but hate Towa City for all its put us through, but this is...

 

This is how we met. In the heart of a war. This world is horrifying and ugly, but we found happiness and purpose here against all odds and held onto it with both hands for dear life. It feels almost...satisfyingly self-contained, in a way.

 

We don't have anything except each other, but she's thankful from the bottom of her heart. It's real.

 

Once again, I'm at a complete and utter loss for words. But when I think about what lies ahead, that sickening feeling comes back.

 

Suddenly, I'm not so sure how I want to handle it.

 

I realize that maybe, what I'm worried about isn't so much how _she_ will react to it.

 

"...Touko?"

 

She sounds far away, and I snap back to full attention.

 

"Are you okay...? Something's wrong, isn't it?" Her expression kind of makes me nervous.

 

"Hey, Komaru...You're happy right now, aren't you?"

 

"Um...yes? Like I was just saying-"

 

"How do you feel about...the past? Like...the things that were left unanswered and left behind. Loose ends that didn't and may never get resolved. Do you think you're the kind of person that can let those sorts of things go? Or would you look for the truth no matter what?"

 

"Huh...u-um...maybe? Maybe not?"

 

"Oh for fu-"

 

"I mean," Komaru adds quickly, "...thinking about it is kinda hard. The past is over with already. It's already hard enough trying to plan out what we're going to do in the future without worrying about stuff we can't change."

 

"What about...your friends? Did you wanna look for them or anything?"

 

Komaru's expression fell a little. "Well...believe me, I'd...love to believe they're out there alive and well somewhere. But I guess if we ever found out one way or the other...we'll just cross that bridge when we get to it. Like I said, I'm...really glad to have you, Touko. I feel like no matter what's ahead...it'll be okay for sure. Because you're here."

 

The responses she's giving are surprisingly wise. She really has changed. It's not surprising that she has, but rather-

 

It's a relief to see her growing, in a way I don't have to be afraid of. This is under her own power for sure this time.

 

_...Right?_

 

"I'm glad too, Komaru."

 

Her mouth opens with surprise, and then she smiles in a way that can only be described as radiant. She's so easily pleased that it's a little embarrassing.

 

"Let's keep going then."

 

...

 

"You said it's in here, right? We just need to disable it so it doesn't make everything else come back online?"

 

She's pushing open the door to the kitchen and for a moment, I feel like it's going to be alright. That as long as I can keep it together for maybe another _minute_ we'll be in the clear.

 

"Yeah, should be. N-No time to waste. Let's get in and out quickly."

 

"Mmhm!"

 

We step inside and she flicks on the lights. It's obviously been a while since anyone has been in here. It takes a moment for our eyes to adjust.

 

I immediately fix my gaze on the door opposite where we entered, and feel my gut lurch as I realize-

 

-It's a _freezer_.

 

...No way. _No way_.

 

They're in there, and-

 

-they're not going to look much different from when they were put inside.

 

Komaru is fiddling innocently with the terminal mounted on the middle wall. She says something about how it can disengage the door locks throughout the entire building, and that it won't take more than a second with the hacking gun, but I hear her like my head is underwater.

 

_Just do it. Just do it and we can go, just hurry, hurry-_

 

She gives it one good, true shot and the panels on the terminal and by the freezer door turn green.

 

"That should do it, but...isn't it kinda suspicious? I feel like it was too easy."

 

"D-Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. We should just go."

 

Komaru is staring at the wiring underneath the terminal. "Wait, Touko, look. It pipes all the way down here but it leads over...to..."

 

She's following it with her eyes and I'm following it with mine, and I see it looping under the freezer door. Everything feels like slow motion.

 

There's no other choice.

 

"H-Here, I'll take a look. Keep an eye on the terminal and let me know if anything changes."

 

"Huh...? Touko, are you sure?"

 

I open the door and get inside before coming up with an answer-

 

-because I only had one solitary thought in mind.

 

_I need to keep Komaru out of here._

 

I can't help it.

 

When I see what I see-

 

There was no way I couldn't scream aloud. No way anyone wouldn't.

 

Seven girls in a row on the floor, skin blue and cold, dead beyond dead. Their hands-what remained of them, anyway-were extended in front of themselves, fingerless. Pain and agony is literally frozen onto each of their faces. It's dreadfully cold, and-

 

-by one of them, on the floor. Something has slid off near the mutilated hand, and I feel my chest heaving as I kneel down to pick it up. Several plastic beads looped onto a string bracelet turn over in my hands, with little letters printed onto them:

 

_CHECKO._

 

"Touko! Are you okay-?!"

 

Komaru's voice brings me back down to earth-she's coming, she's going to see-

 

" _DON'T LOOK_!" I shout, and slam my hand over her eyes as she crosses the threshold into the room, and push her back out. But I saw her expression just before I managed to cover them up, and I know I'm too late. "You...You can't look, Komaru!"

 

She's supernaturally steady and doesn't move at all. Then, slowly, her mouth hangs open, a voice coming out that doesn't fit her quite right.

 

" _Miss..._ "

 

"K-Komaru-!" I let go of her; was it just me, or did she feel...

 

" _Cold...I'm so terribly cold. Locked inside such an awful place and left to die..._ "

 

The stilted way in which she was speaking, the way her eyes were rolled back-

 

_She's...!_

 

Her body is shaking. Something's wrong, the last time she was possessed, she had been able to speak freely in between, but now, her body shuddered violently, as if exerting a great effort to continue without allowing Komaru a single word of her own.

 

" _And you stole my bracelet too? That wasn't very nice. Komaru made that for me, you know_."

 

"I-I-I didn't steal it! I was just trying to find out who you were-!"

 

" _Put it back_."

 

"H-Huh?!"

 

" _Return what you took. And then I will return Komaru to you_."

 

Komaru's eyes flicker towards the back of her skull, and she's swaying on her feet like a zombie.

 

"Wh-Why are you doing this to her?! Just let go of her already!"

 

" _Return what you took,_ " Komaru's voice intoned, " _and show me that you'll do this much for my beloved friend. Only then may I rest_."

 

I felt ill, but I sucked in a breath of rancid, cold air and knelt by Chieko's body.

 

I felt my heartbeat pounding behind my eyes, but I pried her frostbitten, brittle hand from the ground and slipped the bracelet over her wrist.

 

Bile rose in my throat as I stared into her glassy eyes, then at the stubs left behind for fingers.

 

_I'm touching a dead body. I'm touching a dead body for Komaru._

 

I want to cover my mouth, but I can't, with these hands-my eyes water with the effort not to purge my stomach right there, and I stagger to my feet and face Komaru-Chieko-again outside the freezer. She takes my hands in hers-they're too cold to be hers, this is wrong, but-

 

-her arms loop around my waist and she slowly closes her eyes, her body sagging against mine until we're kneeling in a clumsy heap on the floor. She isn't moving and she feels cold-

 

"K-Komaru!" I shake her shoulders, and her chin droops to her chest. Sobbing, I reach down and raise it with my fingers, lightly slapping her cheek as I brace her against my shoulder, "Komaru, come on! S-Snap out of it!"

 

_Why isn't she moving?!_

 

I do something potentially very stupid, because I can't imagine a more reasonable solution under this much pressure, or really anything reasonable or sensible at all, with Komaru completely unresponsive in my arms.

 

I yell out her name again and I hug her against me, slanting my lips against hers. It's a greedy, desperate thing to do, but it's all I can think to do, the only thing that makes sense to me right now-

 

Her eyes fly wide open and she takes a long, croaking, terrifyingly desperate breath from the space between our chins; she won't stop _shaking_ -

 

"T-Touko-!"

 

"Ko...maru-!" I hiccup over her name and crush her to me, sobbing like a damn _idiot_ but I don't care, _I don't care, she's awake, she's okay_ -

 

She's in hysterics, but conscious enough to sob relentlessly into my shoulder. I've never held anyone or been held this tightly in my life, but when I feel her heartbeat thundering inside her like this I feel like she could shatter into pieces if I held her any less.

 

Komaru shouts and cries a lot. She sobs Chieko's name over and over. She tells me how cold she was. And in between all of it, she howls my name. All I can do is cry and hold her tighter. I'm so awful at this and she needs someone better at this-

 

"Touko-" She gasps, hyperventilating, tears rolling down her cheeks as she looks up from my shoulder. Her voice sounds so fragile, but it tears my heart raw, like she'd caught it with just her fingers as she fell through the dark-

 

"-h... _help_ -"

 

Her lips press slowly into mine-

 

"- _let me_ -"

 

_My voice trembles with anticipation to meet hers, to entwine-_

 

"Tou...ko-"

 

_Her voice makes a spell out of my name with a single breath-_

 

-and I fall with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick things about this chapter! First! I really really enjoyed writing Makoto. Second! I don't know how computers work so go easy on me I did my best! Third! I've been dying to involve Chieko and the fact that Komaru is prone to ghost possession in the story forever. And lastly, for the conversation in which Komaru tells Touko she 'loves her', I based that part off the translation for the original Japanese version since the things she says to her in that scene are much stronger and much more true to character in my opinion. Anyways, thanks for reading! More is on the way!


	4. Chapter 4

I remember Touko pulling me to my feet.

 

I remember a flash of electricity, and Syo carrying me on her back when my legs wouldn't move. I'd thought of the times when I was younger, of me and Makoto reading manga at night together and pretending to fall asleep so we wouldn't get in trouble, and how my parents would carry me back to bed.

 

I remember my eyes and head hurting as I shuddered and shook with shock.

 

I remember the deafening crash of a bookshelf, being kicked onto its side to barricade our hotel room door, of hardcover books tumbling out of it and falling open on the ground. At some point, I came to be laying in bed on top of the covers, and then between that and hearing running water in the bathroom, managed to come to the conclusion that Syo had dropped me off so she could wash her hands. The water runs so long that I'm surprised it doesn't seep out under the door.

 

I remember staring blankly at the ceiling, frozen while my heart raced- _enough, enough, I need to get up, I'm empty, I'm empty-_

 

_Come back, come back-_

 

"Ah-ah-ah-ah Dekomaru!" Syo leaps, like a crooked, feral cat upon a mouse, just as I make to sit up, and slams me down with what can only be the entirety of all the force in her body, for it to feel the way it does; irresistible and arresting.

 

She's laying flush against me with the weight of two.

 

Her hand, damp and warm, covers my eyes, and her voice softens by my ear.

 

"-I'm here."

 

The need to move, to find-it dissipates as she coils over me, extricates it from my body with the heat of her own, and I lose consciousness.

 

...

 

When I wake, Touko's arms are around my head, drawing me close to her heartbeat. More than anything else, her body's rhythm puts me at ease. Everything else that had just happened feels blurry and indistinct, but the sound of her heart grounds me somehow. I hear rain on the window and I remember all the times I'd go to Makoto's room, or my parent's room, to weather the storm under the covers with them because I was too scared to sleep alone when there was lightning.

 

My heart keens at the memory, and I feel my chest tighten up as I wonder-

 

-Whether or not mom and dad have ended up like Chieko and my classmates. Alone and faded into obscurity, their deaths tainted by despair-

 

Touko's fingers begin moving through my hair, slow and light, and I lose focus as their calloused tips trace the contours of my face, from my forehead to just behind my jaw.

 

A strange calm settles over me. If I hold still like this, and don't make a sound...she'll keep going, right? So long as she thinks I'm still asleep, this doesn't have to end yet.

 

Her hand stills to a pause at the bottom of my chin and dread creeps in; does she know I'm awake somehow?

 

The sensation of the coarse pad of her thumb brushing against the corner of my lips nearly compromises my hard-won silence. It's a tentative, but undoubtedly deliberate gesture. I open my eyes just a crack, peeking out from beneath my lashes. The ribbon on the front of Touko's uniform is loose, and her chest rises and falls unevenly-

 

Her heart beats quickly under my right palm, and her hip is crested perfectly under my left; had I been clutching for her in my sleep...?

 

My head feels funny when I try to think about not holding on any tighter-my lips tremble, and her thumb crosses their surface. My breath hitches and they part, and even though I can't see her face I can sense her mirroring my reaction, the sudden caution in her movements, her lack of movement.

 

I can feel everything, like we're wound together, a red string pulling me so close to her that I feel its edge tamping her impression deep into my skin, and it's almost more than I can bear.

 

Overwhelmingly and with all my heart, I want more than anything to look into her eyes.

 

Slowly, I tilt my head along the inside of her arm, continuing to feign sleep as I nuzzle against her. The way we're positioned now, I can feel her warm breath clouding softly over my lips, but after a moment's caution, it becomes partially obstructed when she replaces her thumb, smoothing it back and forth from one corner of my mouth to the other.

 

My eyes aren't even open and I feel dizzy-I want to look, so much-to know what kind of expression she could possibly be making while touching me like this, but-

 

While I'm certain her focus isn't entirely on my eyes, I'm scared she'll notice anyway. I can already feel the subdued intensity seated deep within her touch, far deeper than I'd thought imaginable.

 

The more I think about what's happening and turn it around and over in my head, the more I just...don't know what I should do at all.

 

...But...I think I'm hoping she'll kiss me.

 

I've...kissed her twice now, without giving her any warning, or even explaining myself the way I was hoping to after the fact.

 

I don't even know if she would want to hear what I feel, even if she...wants to hear how I feel, to some degree. I'm not stupid. I know it could complicate things.

 

Or worse, could hurt her. After all, the way I feel when she talks about Byakuya, about someone who could call someone as wonderful as Touko _disgusting_ without an ounce of sarcasm-

 

I'm jealous, and it hurts, but I can't put it on her, too. I want to do everything she wants out of her dreams for her and Byakuya, but I can't be like him.

 

I'm...me.

 

Maybe I'm thinking that if right now, she kisses me like this when she thinks there's no one to see-

 

Then I'll know that I'm not putting my feelings on her with her not wanting them.

 

I can't tell if I'm more nervous that she will, or that she won't. Somehow, I feel guilty though.

 

It seems...wrong to let her go on thinking she has the privacy to make a choice when I'm just pretending to be asleep.

 

Touko, she...

 

...I can't betray her trust like this.

 

As reluctant as I am to do it, I breathe in sharply and open my eyes.

 

Touko doesn't notice in time.

 

There's a pensive frown tugging at the corner of her mouth, eyebrows scrunched with focus intended only for the part in mine-

 

I can't help it. I get nervous and squeeze her shirt in my fingers all of a sudden. I lack both the resolve to stop her and the will to keep up the act another moment. Her lips halt millimeters away from mine and she flinches back, her mouth hanging open in stunned silence. After regaining her composure she hastily wipes her thumb along my chin and jerks it back into the safety of her other hand.

 

"Touko...?"

 

"I-Idiot-you were drooling in your sleep again. Are you trying to drown us? D-Don't worry me like that!"

 

Through her half-hearted scolding, it takes everything I have to keep my lips pressed firmly together, smothering the smile trying to rise to the surface.

 

_Touko was about to kiss me just now._

 

"S-Sorry. Did I really sleep that long?"

 

"Like a baby. It's nearly dawn." A secretive smile came over her and a dark, throaty chuckle emanates from her throat. "You're lucky I'm not the type to take advantage."

 

_Lies! You were just about to steal a kiss a second ago!_

 

"H-Hey! When you make that face it's real hard to believe you, you know!"

 

Bullseye. Touko's entire face glows red. "Wh-Whatever! Like I need the vindication of my character from a brother-complex crybaby like you anyways." She bats her fist against my shoulder the way a kitten might for attention and I puff out my cheeks at her. "A-Anyways, I'm too wound up now to even think about getting back to sleep, and the sun will be up in a few anyway." She says matter-of-factly. "D-Do you wanna just...go w-walk for a bit?"

 

She fiddles with her ribbon and her tone softens as she says it.

 

It...kind of feels like she's asking me on a date.

 

"Yeah, that sounds nice. Maybe we can get a head start on today since there's nothing else Future Foundation has asked us to do right now. We could drop off some more stuff for the adults before any of them wake up if we find anything on our way through the shipping district too. They've still been using that underground one for so long, I'm worried they're running out of stuff..."

 

"Well, someone's ambitious all of a sudden. Sounds like a plan. There were some things I was hoping to find too, actually. But first thing's first...we're not going anywhere unless we move that damn bookshelf."

 

We sit up and assess the situation. Touko clicks her tongue, very clearly irritated, eyeing the books on the floor critically.

 

"I'd _love_ to be able to say 'I can't believe she'd do this', but unfortunately I don't have much faith in her when it comes to picking up after herself. She didn't have to tromp all over them like this, honestly-"

 

"It's probably my fault," I admit, kneeling next to Touko to help her pick them up, "I was kind of out of it last night, so she was busy...taking care of me."

 

Touko's arm freezes midway between the books in her arms and another on the floor, and her jaw drops, abject horror dawning on her face.

 

"She-She _what_?!"

 

"No, no-it wasn't anything bad! She just-got me to relax a little. It felt really good-"

 

Touko groaned loudly and bit her fingernail so viciously that I heard it.

 

Why does she seem so...worked up all of a sudden?

 

"I-Is something wrong?"

 

"Ugh...No...no. No, it's fine." She seems to have had a complete inner debate with herself and reached some sort of conclusion in the span of the past five seconds. "I definitely would've remembered..." She trails off, murmuring more to herself than to me.

 

Is she...blushing?

 

"Remembered...what?"

 

"N-Nothing. Now come on and grab this end with me, already-"

 

I can tell she's trying to hide her face as we lift it out of the way, but the edges of her ears are bright red.

 

...

 

Outside is silent as usual, apart from our footsteps on the concrete. It's a little dark, but that just means that Touko walks a little closer to me. When it's quiet like this, the air feels so much better on my skin, even if it's kind of cold.

 

"Komaru, you're shivering. We should find you something warmer to wear since fall's probably just around the corner."

 

"Yeah, I know. I don't think I've actually worn a jacket or anything in almost two years, truth be told."

 

"Oh...yeah. I bet."

 

We approach an alley and I ready the hacking gun, cautiously peeking around the corner.

 

Some crows are picking through the trash. No Monokumas though. There's a clothing store across the way, so we pull open the broken automatic doors and step inside. The only lights inside come from flickering emergency lights that are dull and weak from lack of maintainence. It's not so dark we can't see, but the early hour of the morning doesn't exactly make it easy either. Touko gets close beside me and her fingers curl apprehensively around my upper arm as we walk through. We take some time picking through what clothes were left behind and carry them in armfuls to the front to stuff them into two shopping baskets. Touko stops to pull something out of one of them and tosses it to me.

 

"Hey Komaru, wear this one."

 

Her expression is hard to make out, but I can sense the smug grin behind her words. I catch the article of clothing and hold it up to the window so I can get a better look.

 

"Hey! This hoodie looks just like Makoto's!"

 

"Sure does. Knew you'd recognize it instantly." I pull it on over my uniform and we pick up the baskets, making our way across the street as we continue our conversation. The storm drain we've been using to deliver things to the adults is right nearby. We reach it and Touko grabs one end so we can lift it out of the way.

 

_Good thing someone loosened it while they were coming to save me on the monorail..._

 

"Well of course! I used to borrow Makoto's hoodie all the time just because it had way more pockets than mine."

 

"Sure, _that_ was the reason."

 

We drop the baskets down: this storm drain is a little special in that it's actually a chute leading to the hole at the back of the resistance base. It had become unblocked again after Big Bang Monokuma's rampage, according to what information Hiroko had passed along to us through Future Foundation. At her suggestion, we'd decided that leaving supplies anonymously would be better, so as not to rub Haiji the wrong way. We trust her to keep an eye on things, but unnecessarily aggravating him won't do anyone any good. The rest of the adults aren't so understanding either.

 

We replace the drain cover and I wipe my forehead on the sleeve of my new hoodie.

 

"Alright then, that should tide them over a little. Touko, did you say you had some things to pick up? Where did you wanna go?"

 

"Well, I heard Towa City has a pretty large bookstore. If that's the case, they probably also carry journals and things to write with."

 

"Ohh! Are you gonna write something?" I'm a little excited by the idea of getting to read something new of hers, and it reads loud and clear all over my face.

 

"D-Don't look so eager. I don't know what I plan to write yet, even." I let her point the way towards the bookstore as we chat the whole way.

 

"Maybe I should start writing too. It might help me sort out some of my feelings."

 

"Your...feelings, huh?...I see..."

 

Touko gets quiet. There's no conversation between us as we approach the bookstore, but I hear her stifling a yawn into her hand behind me at several points.

 

She's-really tired, isn't she?

 

I guess it makes sense, since she was taking care of me all night, but-

 

"Touko, did you get any sleep last night?" I blurt out, turning around. She jolts upright, shoulders unhunched, and irritation flashes over her face.

 

"Gyaahh! J-Jeez Komaru-!"

 

"Sorry-! I just-I know a lot of stuff happened last night and...I wasn't sure whether or not you were okay..."

 

She's chewing the skin of her thumb raw. "I-Idiot, I should be asking you the same thing."

 

There's something about her behavior that suddenly clicks into place for me. I get the feeling she's been holding off on talking about this all morning, but not because she didn't want to talk about it.

 

"W-Well...let's not stop here for this, it could still be dangerous."

 

"...Yeah, okay." I nod, feeling my heart beat a little faster.

 

...

 

We walk until we find a bench overlooking the water, having only stopped by a convenience store to pick up something to bring with us to eat. Seeing the bridge a ways away just makes me think of Yuta, and how quickly he'd vanished before our eyes.

 

Life here was-

 

-so fragile for everyone. For him, for the adults, and...

 

For my classmates. For Chieko.

 

Sitting here with Touko makes it feel even more vivid.

 

I'm alive to feel this breeze, the ashy scent mingling with the salted ocean air.

 

I'm alive. I'm alive.

 

Even if others dies or are killed, I'm here.

 

I'm...here with Touko.

 

"Hey, Komaru."

 

My breath catches. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm on the verge of tears.

 

"Y-Yeah...?" I croak out. I'm not fooling anyone, least of all her.

 

"I'm...no good at comforting people." She says after a deep breath, "A-And...I don't know if this helps, but I just want you to know I'm...sorry."

 

_Ah. She means...about Chieko._

 

"It's...it's okay. You couldn't have known-"

 

Touko's jaw is clenched. She seems incredibly distressed, almost as though the words had stricken her physically.

 

"...No."

 

"...Huh-?"

 

"I did."

 

She answers so readily that I barely have time to process it before she's talking again.

 

"When...your brother called yesterday morning. It was to tell me about that." Her hands ball up into fists in her skirt, but her voice stays steady. "I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lie to you. I hated lying to you. But there...wasn't any time to decide. I kept...trying to weigh both sides of the situation, but I didn't know what I wanted to do, or, what, _you'd_ want me to do, and, I couldn't ask without telling you, which was the whole problem in the first place-"

 

Her voice is shaking and her glasses are too fogged up to see her eyes, but without a doubt-

 

_Touko is about to cry. She's about to cry because this troubled her so much._

 

"I'd...understand if you can't forgive me. But, I just wanted to tell you that-it's not like I didn't tell you because I thought you were weak or anything. I was just...scared. When I thought of the pain of holding onto that secret forever and even worse, when I thought of whether or not I was strong enough to see you get hurt like that if I did tell you-I didn't know which was worse. It just... _hurt_ , and-"

 

I threw my arms around her neck. She didn't flinch away or jerk back, but she was very still.

 

"Touko...I'm so sorry..."

 

I never wanted her to have to make a choice like that for me.

 

"D-Don't apologize. Like I said it...isn't your fault-"

 

"I don't care whose fault it is. It doesn't matter," I feel a dry sob sticking in my throat, "I'm still sorry it happened, Touko...you're amazing."

 

What would I have done with a secret like that? There's no way I could handle that kind of pressure. But Touko held it in, and kept it together so I wouldn't have to worry or feel the pain like she was, agonizing over what to do-

 

It breaks my heart to think about it.

 

Touko's face feels warmer than before, and I can feel her heart pounding in her chest. It makes me so happy to be so close to her that I feel like time has stopped for us.

 

"I just...wanted to come clean with you. Because, I know you're still hurt from yesterday, and...if you wanted to talk about how you feel, I...can listen. L-Like I said-I'm not good at comforting anybody. I can't be gentle or anything-but I can at least do this. I just...didn't want to ask you about how you were feeling when-when I wasn't being totally honest yesterday. It didn't feel like it'd be fair. So...now...if you still want to talk to me...I'll listen."

 

Her arms wrap around my back, warm and strong.

 

"After all...that's what friends are supposed to do, right?"

 

There's a pain in my chest, precious and glasslike, at her words, and my fingers tighten in her shirt as I sit up, steadying myself.

 

"Y-Yeah. Thank you, Touko." My hands slide down into hers-

 

-again-

 

-and I run my thumbs over the delicate arch in each of her knuckles, commiting her calloused fingertips to memory as they draw an apprehensive stroke down the inside of my palm.

 

"Hey, Touko..."

 

"Y...Yeah?"

 

"Could we just...sit here for a little longer?"

 

"Yeah. I don't mind."

 

Plastic crinkles as we open our packages of bean bread and eat quietly. From across the water, the sun is rising, liquid golden color stretching across the ocean to our outlook. The sky is still dirty and scarred by war, but the light warms us. When we finish eating, I take our wrappers and wad them up, depositing them into the nearby trash can. I turn back around to face Touko and she's stifling another yawn.

 

"You're really not a morning person, are you?"

 

"I-I didn't have a choice! It's not like I could let you wallow all morning..."

 

I sit beside her again, feeling a smile return to my face.

 

It's as I thought before. All morning, Touko has been trying to cheer me up, to take my mind off of things. She's been worrying about me all this time. It's...so touching, that she'd go to such lengths to take care of me.

 

I want to take care of her too.

 

"...It...was really hard to see Checko like that." I admitted slowly, without looking over at Touko. "Even though I think I knew deep down, I'd still...hoped, you know? When I...felt her presence, it...felt like I had no idea where I was, or who I was...like I just shut down. It felt cold, it felt like her despair was-freezing cold, into my bones. Like I couldn't breathe, at all-"

 

I didn't even realize my hand had been shaking until Touko's closes around it. Something about the action surfaces a memory-

 

"I-I don't remember much. But, I had a dream, I think. About you..." I trail off, feeling suddenly and strangely vulnerable, like I'm maybe close to saying something I'm still scared to say.

 

I remember.

 

"...Yeah. You were in my dream, and-and you helped me."

 

There's a smile on Touko's face I can't quite place a name to. It's weird, but she almost looks...a little relieved. In truth, I think I kinda feel the same way, since she isn't zeroing in on how vague I'm being.

 

"Well...I hope whatever I did makes up for not telling you sooner."

 

"Y-Yeah. I don't want you to have to worry about that anymore, okay? We spend more time together than we do with any other person, so I want...you to feel like you can tell me what you want to. There's nothing to forgive as far as I'm concerned. You did help me. More than you can imagine."

 

Touko's expression softens before she leans forward, raising an eyebrow conspiratorially.

 

"...It better not have been anything weird."

 

"N-No! It wasn't bad! You're so mean, Touko." I pout at her and she rolls her eyes.

 

"Whatever. Ugh, this breeze is picking up...you done moping yet? I'm itching to see the inside of that bookstore already."

 

I nod my head. "Yeah, I wanna see it too! Maybe they have some manga leftover to look through!"

 

I realize that even after all that's happened, I really do feel a lot better.

 

"Hey, Touko...what happened to Checko isn't going to happen to anyone else. We're gonna do our best, and it'll be okay."

 

"Well, look at you, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed." Touko smirks and we stand up together, admiring the sunlight for another moment.

 

"Because," I say slowly, "even if the sun sets on the wrong side, when it rises again it'll still be a miracle, right?"

 

Touko's eyes widened slightly, almost like she was remembering something.

 

"...Wow, Komaru."

 

"How was that? Pretty good right?"

 

"...Pretty _awful_ more like. Where'd you hear that trite?"

 

"H-Hey! That's mean!"

 

Touko's grin is slanted like she's disinterested, but there's something nice and soft in her eyes, a secret somewhere in her smile.

 

"Whatever. Let's direct that energy of yours towards clearing a way to the bookstore and get going already."

 

She starts walking so quickly that I have to jog to catch up.

 

...

 

We make it to the bookstore just as the wind starts picking up more. I pull the collar of my hoodie closer around me with a squeal, nuzzling the fabric. It really does feel just like Makoto's hoodie.

 

Touko snorts.

 

"...What? What's so funny?" We pry the doors open and step inside. It's full of spacious shelves and cushy armchairs from what we can see on the first floor, and even more of the same on the second, though the escalator doesn't appear to be working. Huge glass windows meant to let in the light line the building. We take a turn through the aisles and Touko thumbs through volume after volume, completely at home.

 

"It's just...too obvious. It almost feels like it's too much of a cheap shot to make the joke."

 

"About this raging gross brother-complex you've imagined for me, right?"

 

"Wow. Didn't think such scathing vitrol could come out of that mouth of yours so easily. I'm actually kind of impressed." She says, without looking up from the book she'd been leafing through with somewhat more interest than the others.

 

"...Aw. When you say it like that I actually feel kinda guilty..."

 

Touko closes her book and leans in, peering right into my face.

 

"Hmph. No use backpedaling now. Looks like my influence is already corrupting that cloying purity of yours."

 

"Wh-What? N-No, I mean it! I'm a good girl!" I feel myself blushing all the way down my neck. I don't understand why, but when Touko talks like this or smiles at me the way she is right now, it feels like I'm trying to talk to her with nothing but my underwear on.

 

...And then thinking of _that_ just makes it worse.

 

"There's a whole community of lecherous middle-aged men that would just love to hear a girl like you say something like that with the amount of genuine faith you have in such innocent words. Makes it even easier for them to fantasize about getting to be the one to prove you wrong."

 

I barely hear her. She's biting her bottom lip and I can't stop staring. I feel like I could melt into this bookshelf.

 

"S-Stop it, Touko! At this rate I'm more worried about the fantasizing you're doing about...about other people fantasizing about me! Especially someone I don't even know!"

 

"It might not be all as bad as you might think. If it were the right person, of course." She's grinning _like that_ again and I swallow hard. "It might be liberating to let go of a little of that purity, you know."

 

_The right person?_

 

_There's only one person that comes to mind, and it's-_

 

But, how much does _she_ know? I felt so at ease a second ago, but thinking about this sort of thing is-

 

Touko's my _friend_ -

 

_But she's more than that, too._

 

_She's the encouraging voice, the sharp edges, the iron resolve, the velvet under the steel, and the one who reached out to take me out of despair with both hands, who protected me with her life time and again._

 

What I feel for her runs deeper than anything I've felt for anyone, and when I think of things going farther...

 

"I...I don't know..." I feel like my entire body is crawling with a shiver under her scrutiny.

 

What makes me nervous is that I kind of _like_ it.

 

"It's like I've told you before: you just need to be in love. That'd make you the most beautiful woman of all."

 

"I...I see." I lower my head to hide my blush, but then my eyes fall upon a brightly colored volume on the shelf behind me. Quickly, I pull it out, gasping aloud. "T-Touko look! The next issue of 'The Bomb'!"

 

_Oh my god. I didn't even know this issue made it out yet!_

 

Touko does not seem to share my excitement. She bristles back like it's poison and makes a face. But I feel my pulse racing and I clutch the book to my chest with joy, bouncing on my heels.

 

"Touko, oh my gosh. You have to read this series-"

 

"No."

 

"Please. It's so, _so_ good. I know you hate manga, but I want you to enjoy it, I'm asking as one friend wanting another friend's happiness, I swear, I'd do _anything_!"

 

Touko seems to consider the offer.

 

"Well, maybe...we can trade."

 

"Trade?"

 

"For each book of my choosing that you read...I will read one of yours-"

 

"Deal!"

 

"...You're going to accept the terms so quickly? You're really reckless, aren't you? After all, there's no telling what I'm gonna pick."

 

"Anything is fine! Oh, I'm so excited! You're going to love it, and then we can talk about all the best parts-"

 

"...Yeah yeah, I get it. Wait here while I find you your book. Don't want your virgin eyes to melt out of your head..."

 

It strikes me as an odd thing to say, until she returns with the book in question and adds it, as well as a few notebooks and pens, into our basket. Despite her tough talk, her face is getting redder. I reach inside and pull out the thick volume, feeling my pulse quicken as I read the title.

 

"B-Beginner's Guide to...BDSM?!"

 

"Wh-What?! Y-You said you'd read any book...!" Touko seemed really conscious about this choice of book, so I get the feeling it's something really important to her. She probably didn't want to admit it, but it seemed like she had really wanted to share it.

 

"O-Of course I will! I was just surprised. It seems like a really personal choice."

 

"W-Well, you're my friend, aren't you? Who else am I supposed to share something like this with?"

 

The way she says it makes me a little happy. She's really...adorable when she puts herself out there like this. And her choosing something like this to share with me is a sign of trust.

 

"I'll read it." I nod firmly, "Thank you, Touko!"

 

She balks at me and drags her fingers through her hair with an expression bordering exasperation. "I-Idiot...that blind faith of yours is going to get you in trouble!"

 

"...But I trust you."

 

Her face glows with embarrassment and she can't seem to say another word. We leave the store together and this time, I notice Touko's shoulders shaking.

 

"We should find you a jacket soon too, Touko. But in the meantime-" I set down our basket and take my hoodie off, putting it around her shoulders, "-use mine, okay?"

 

"I-I'm not cold!" She shouts, as we start making our way back to the hotel.

 

But a little ways later, in the corner of my eye, I catch her pulling it closer around her shoulders and breathing in the scent of the fabric.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Next chapter! They just keep getting longer I don't understand why! As for some notes regarding this chapter, I decided to go ahead and have their chute for delivering things to the adults be the very same storm drain that Syo pops out of on the way to rescue Komaru during chapter 3 of the game. I don't know the geography of the city super well so let's just say Touko hadn't known about it before because it was technically Syo that handled the escape, so she wouldn't remember. Also, with regards to Komaru's hoodie, it's meant as a reference to some of her concept art in which she's wearing a hoodie very similar to Makoto's. Anyway, thank you for reading! I'm not sure when the rating of this story may change but...possibly sooner rather than later. Just a heads up!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, the chapter's a little early this week! I've been working hard on it because I'll be unavailable for writing for the majority of the next week. I'm gonna try to get next week's chapter mostly done by next weekend so I can upload it on time, but just wanted to give a heads up! Also the notes this week are at the beginning of the chapter because, while it doesn't quite warrant a change in rating (yet), there's a certain amount of sexuality in this chapter, so I just wanted you to be aware. Thanks for reading!

I don't know what I was thinking when I got her that book.

 

 

Part of it had been me reasoning that if she couldn't read it, I wouldn't have to start reading 'The Bomb Inside Her'. In hindsight, I should've known that she was a lot more willful than that. Komaru could be easily intimidated, but she wasn't one to be conquered. If she really wants to power through and do something, she does it.

 

 

(I have the memories to back that up. I should know, I should've known.)

 

 

And maybe I did. Maybe part of me wanted her to read it, to see what she'd do with the knowledge, even though at first, I thought I'd been right on the money with my original, ill-planned assumption. The first time she'd so haphazardly opened up the book to a random page and had to slam it shut again, cheeks completely flush with the sort of embarrassment only a virgin like her was capable of, I felt confident I'd made the right choice.

 

 

(It had started as a _joke_.)

 

 

Each night since finding the bookstore, we'd settled into this routine together. Looking for supplies during the day, delivering them, thinning out Monokumas, exchanging other books on top of the ones we'd promised to read together, finding somewhere to stay the night, and taking up side by side, shoulder to shoulder on the bed with whatever we were reading. She'd start in again, with a certain steeliness in her expression, counterpoint to the red permanently coloring her face. At first I merely supervised to make sure she was actually reading it, to make sure the display was not for show-

 

 

(I know she's a poor liar, and the idea is too shrewd to cross her mind to the point of conception, let alone execution.)

 

 

-And then I started reading her manga anyways, attempting with sincerity to allow the inane, banal excuse for a plot it had shipped on to engross me, because I was too nervous to write right next to her, and because if my hands weren't occupied, I'd go stir-crazy from watching her dutifully reading through my interests right beside me.

 

 

(Sometimes she reads until she falls asleep with her book slipping from her fingertips, her head slouched onto my chest. At first I would move her to cover us up, but at some point I stopped. The weight she causes upon my chest, whether or not she's there, is a painfully domestic thing that I understand less the more that I tolerate it. When she turns over and breathes into my pulse, I can hold her close and tight, and pretend it's sleep, pretend it's something fantastic like fate. I can hold her face and touch her hair and trace her lips and feel strangely as though she's somehow responding to my touch, even in so deep a slumber. It's a secret winding tighter and redder around my heart the more I pretend I'm trying to ignore it.)

 

 

"...What are you doing?" I ask once, as I notice her skipping several pages. I could remember a specific, breathless tension in her shoulders, could see the soft line of her mouth drawn taut with apprehension, her eyes weakening and watering.

 

 

"I-I can't look-I'm sorry-I-"

 

 

Normally, I'd have relished the opportunity to tease her over her inexperience, but everything about her expression and demeanor screams genuine distress, even outright fear. I can feel in her stilted breathing that what she's experiencing is a very real pain, rooted far and hard inside of her. She's immobile, so I reach over to leaf back a few pages, harmless, curious.

 

 

It's a chapter on restraints. Models in bondage, along with supplementary photographs of various angles showing bound wrists and ankles in an array of positions decorate each page. Komaru wraps herself around my arm, trembling into my shoulder and I look down at her.

 

 

(Her tears are cosmic and piercing; her every hiccup and skipped breath is exactly the weight of a bullet popping in and out the front and back of my heart, hemorrhagic and blossoming wide. Don't cry. Don't cry. I can't-)

 

 

She's biting her lip with a nauseated, dizzy, far-away expression, eyes unfocused. I know exactly what it is that she's feeling. A disgusting memory has surfaced in the back of her eyelids, like bile in her throat, suffocating. She's defenseless and transparent, and it slips in like a shadow on the dark water sent to drown her.

 

 

"I-didn't like being tied up. I don't like being...trapped. It was-really, really bad."

 

 

Right. Komaru's experience with that sort of thing had been far from healthy. She'd been abducted and locked away from her family, from anyone, for nearly two years. Anything even resembling confinement for her was traumatic enough, but coupled with what that pervert grade-schooler had done to her, it's no wonder her aversion runs so deeply.

 

 

"Y-Yeah, I...can't say I blame you. Wh-What she did to you wasn't at all what that's meant to be like."

 

 

My tone feels clinical, but deep down, I'm righteously furious. Kotoko was misguided, and Komaru would forgive her before anyone else in her position, even having been through the hell that she'd put her through, but the experience had tainted it for Komaru before she'd even had a proper chance, possibly beyond redemption. I don't know what to do for her, or even if there's anything to do for her, even though inside, I'm feeling like I want to repair the damage somehow.

 

 

Komaru sniffles and nuzzles close comfortably. Her body isn't trembling anymore, and she seems far steadier than before.

 

 

"If-If you ever try anything like that again-that you decide on your own, I mean-just get the person you trust the most to do it. The right person makes all the difference. But...don't push it if you're scared. It's fine. It's not weird. You're a huge virgin anyway. No wonder it scared the shit out of you."

 

 

"The...right person..."

 

 

I hadn't expected to, but I seem to have struck a chord with her somehow. Her expression relaxes, but there's something else, too. Her words trail in a particular way, and her finger pokes playfully at my cheek as she twists around against me.

 

 

(It may as well be my heart.)

 

 

"...So you're saying if I'm...not a virgin, I won't be scared?"

 

 

The question lends her a certain air, one that's less innocent in aura than I'm used to seeing with her. The corner of her mouth quirks upward coquettishly. She doesn't mean anything by this, but I read too far into it and hear things she's not saying. Things she'd never say to me, at least.

 

 

"Wh-Wha-?! D-Don't talk about it so freely like that! If your brother heard you talking like this, he'd have a conniption for sure!"

 

 

To avoid staring at her face, into her eyes, I find my gaze meandering.

 

 

( _She wouldn't look bad in ropes. She's all soft, rounded in a way that would make them stretch tight around her chest, her bell-like hips, and between her legs, sinking into her flesh with smooth friction. She'd part her lips, and it'd make a wet sound as her breath hitched. Her tongue would hang out if I let her lap at my fingers-_ )

 

 

I feel dizzy-

 

 

Did I just-

 

 

-fantasize about Komaru?

 

 

Wonder gives way to disgust. She was haunted, and tearful, and I entertained the thought anyways. She's my _friend_ and she's scared of it but I-

 

 

It just happened. I couldn't stop from thinking of it.

 

 

I'd even involved myself in the delusion, in a position opposite my preference, no less.

 

 

Why was I thinking about her like this?

 

 

"Then don't tell him." Komaru's voice brings me back down to earth, her eyes shining brightly as she sniffles away her tears, puts on that brave face of hers, "We can...keep this sort of thing between us girls, right?" Her voice is pleading and enthused, and it stirs something inside of me.

 

 

We're sharing a a secret. Komaru is asking to keep something private between only us.

 

 

( _"Don't tell him..." She'd gasp breathlessly between each kiss planted on her skin, trailing down the gap at the collar of her uniform where her ribbon would lay splayed open, "...Please, don't tell my brother what we're doing-! I'd die of shame..."_ )

 

 

I can feel perspiration forming at my temples. I breathe in to the count of seven and try to exhale to the same length, but it's almost all gone by two, and with effort and breathlessness and a painful squeeze in my gut I only manage to stretch it out till four.

 

 

"Touko...? What's wrong?"

 

 

"N-Nothing. Just-no one's ever a-asked me to keep a s-secret before." I'm overcome with nervous, thin laughter, and Komaru's eyes widen with surprise.

 

 

"R-Really? Not even once?"

 

 

"N-No. Usually it was me telling m-my secrets. But people only hurt me if I told them my secrets, so I stopped."

 

 

She looks like she's thinking hard all of a sudden.

 

 

"What about Byakuya?"

 

 

"I-"

 

 

My blood feels cold. I remember the feeling of complete, debilitating betrayal, the feeling of the floor going out beneath me in front of everyone in that courtroom. It's not something I try to remember.

 

 

"I-I said _everyone_ , didn't I?" I snap, but she doesn't flinch back.

 

 

(I remember how she looked at the end of those scissors, I knew it couldn't reach her, couldn't find the red and take it from her throat, because she wanted it to form the words she would speak to me that would belie the words we wanted, want to say to each other.)

 

 

"N-No exceptions! S-So..." My voice softens as I struggle to swallow-

 

 

"...don't expect me to tell you any of my secrets."

 

 

(Am I capable, even?)

 

 

Why does she pick just the right things to say to send me into a one nervous breakdown after another?

 

 

(It's mostly my own fault. Including her in my delusions is making me more vulnerable.)

 

 

Komaru trusted me. She armed me with this secret and in return, I think of her, my friend, no less, in ways that fill me with shame.

 

 

"If there's stuff that's too hard to talk about, I...understand, I think."

 

 

"You 'think'?"

 

 

Komaru scratched her chin sheepishly. "Well, in all honesty, you've had it pretty rough, Touko. Especially compared to me. If I told you I was some kind of expert and that I knew how to handle any and everything that you confide in me, I feel like...it'd be kind of an insult to everything you've been through. But I can at least try. I...want to try. So I can definitely promise at least that much to you, with all my heart. That I want...to share in your experiences and be the best person I can be for you. It's my decision too. I'd be happier knowing that I'm someone you can rely on, and that...you can believe in me as much as I believe in you."

 

 

"Komaru..." I avert my eyes, feeling an all-too-familiar pressure behind them. "...Don't say that. Don't compare us like that. You've lost things too, you don't-have to throw away your feelings to lift me up-"

 

 

"No, I'm not doing that. I promise. I couldn't. Even if it would stop the pain I feel whenever I wonder where my parents are, I wouldn't want to lose anything that I feel when I'm around you. I only meant it in the way that...I know we've felt loss and stuff differently. I didn't want you to think I didn't understand that much." Her hand grasps mine, earnest and sudden. "I just want you to know that, if you ever need me to keep a secret...I'll keep it for you. And, I'm not saying it as like, a way to make you feel like you have to tell me anything personal, or to even do anything in return-"

 

 

"Th-There's no way I can accept that!"

 

 

"H-Huh?" She goes completely doe-eyed with worry.

 

 

"I-I mean, do you think I'd let you promise me something like that without at least doing the same for you?"

 

 

"T...Touko..."

 

 

Great. Now _she_ looks ready to cry too.

 

 

"I-Idiot...look what you've done now!" I scold her, wiping my eyes against my ratty sleeve. "I was just about to ask if you'd just assumed I didn't have any upbringing, but then I remembered that between my deadbeat, playboy father and a pair of vindictive mothers, that's probably not too far off the mark, but-I-I at least learned quickly enough that nothing in life is free! I just...never need to bother until now, since you're the only person who's ever really given enough of a damn to go through the trouble of taking care of me!"

 

 

It's true. It's no lean feat, to come as far as Komaru has with me, I know I'm just-

 

 

-just an utter mess, a complete _wreck_ of a human being. An accident and an abomination, ugly and dramatic and a nightmare to tolerate. My life was fraught with terror and crippling paranoia for all that I'd been through and all I'd been trying to protect myself from. What hadn't been set upon me by others, I'd inflicted upon myself, in one way or another. No one, not even my mothers, not even the _one_ mother I should've been provided in the first place, whoever she was-

 

 

No one else would have me.

 

 

Komaru rubs her eyes, looking humbled and embarrassed by my exclamation.

 

 

"So, I guess what I'm saying is...your secrets are safe with me too. Anything you want me to know, or keep for you-I-I'll never turn my back on you. Even if you tell me that's an excessive or unnecessary promise, _I'm_ promising you that it's not."

 

 

(Because she's the friend I needed, the one I needed growing up. I can't afford to take her for granted, or to get greedy and hope for it to be something it never, ever will.)

 

 

The room careens out of focus as the wind is knocked out of me, leaving me on my back and looking up at the ceiling. My hand is empty, but her arms are around my neck in the tightest hug I've ever received in my life, breaking the previous record by a long shot.

 

 

...Which was actually her own record to break.

 

 

"Waaah, Touko!" She kicks her feet and wails loudly, never loosening her grip.

 

 

"D-Don't bawl, you idiot! Y-You're the one that jumped me!"

 

 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But, but...this is just like that one part from 'The Bomb' series where Yoko tells Yume she'll stand by her no matter what, and hearing you say all this to me is like, living the dream! It feels even better than my first time reading through it-I couldn't stop crying, it was my favorite part in the entire series-!"

 

 

"A-Are you seriously comparing my heartfelt admission to you to that trash-tier, packaged and processed consumer-level drivel?!"

 

 

Komaru finally releases my neck to sit up over me, pouting.

 

 

"Hey! You didn't even read it yet! Don't judge me till you do, at least...!"

 

 

"I-I'd start it if you'd get off of me! Jeez!" I feel like my brain is going to blow a circuit at the sight of Komaru leaning over me like this.

 

 

( _Her defiant expression would melt if I just reached up. If I just brushed that cheek of hers, balanced a finger along her lips. Her eyes would soften, hazy and out of focus, following it anyway as if bespelled, as it traced the open space left by her undone uniform bow; the nape of her neck, her collarbones, the rise in her chest, glancing down to come back the other way, a thumb hooked under her shirt, grazing the skin of her navel as I pulled the fabric up and over-_ )

 

 

"A-Arghh!" I cry out, covering my blisteringly hot face with both my hands. "K-Komaru, you're-you're so stupid I can't even look at you! I'm afraid I'll catch it!"

 

 

"Wh-What?! That's so mean!"

 

 

" _Just get off me!_ You...you...heh-" My voice quivers into a sleazy laugh; it's all I have. All I can do is go full force, peeking through my fingers and tilting my chin towards her. "-I bet you're secretly a huge yuri-girl, huh Komaru?"

 

 

"Huh-?" She turns red right to her ears.

 

 

"Y-You heard me, th-that's why you're always holding my hands, and hugging me-and, holding on so closely when we're in bed-"

 

 

"S-Stop it!" Komaru screeches and covers her face with her hands. To an outsider, this would look absolutely ridiculous: both of us are covering our faces and yelling at each other, even though Komaru's sitting on my waist. "Y-You're the one who insists on sleeping in the same bed anyways-!"

 

 

"-and you're so affectionate anyways, what about what happened on that balcony-?"

 

 

_WHAM._

 

 

"Ouch! What the-?!"

 

 

After slamming me square in the chest with a pillow, Komaru takes it to her face and screams into it.

 

 

"Why are _you_ screaming?! _You_ hit _me!_ " Komaru peeks over the top of the pillow, brows knit with worry, but her eyes are still steely and irate from before.

 

 

(...She's pretty cute when she's angry-)

 

 

"...Sorry. I didn't...hit your glasses, did I-?"

 

 

(-but soft-hearted as always.)

 

 

_WHAM._

 

 

The other pillow was right in reach, and when I slam it into her side she falls right off of me, so I give her one more whack on her ass for good measure.

 

 

"H-Hey! That was a cheap shot-!" Komaru grabs her bottom defensively, curling her lips in.

 

 

"Y-You started it! And, it's not much of a cheap shot, I can't help it if your butt's such a big target, you lewd girl-!"

 

 

_WHAM._

 

 

"Am _not_!"

 

 

_WHAM._

 

 

"Are _too_!"

 

 

"What about you, Touko, who's always making me climb up ladders first?!"

 

 

"Th-That's because I don't want you to see up my skirt-!"

 

 

"But it's fine for you to look up mine?!"

 

 

"I-It's nothing new! I walk behind you all the time and your skirt is _tiny_ , it's not my fault I can see everything!"

 

 

Our pillows collide again and again and the fight escalates to the point where the bed can no longer contain it. Komaru and I are lobbing blows at each other from around furniture, and as she tries to duck behind a table, I reach out to grab her shirt and pinch her side instead. She erupts into giggles and backs away, waving her free hand with tears in her eyes.

 

 

"T-Touko _nooo!_ "

 

 

"Don't tell me you're _that_ ticklish-"

 

 

The look on her face as I ask her tells me everything.

 

 

"D-Don't smile at me like that, Touko, it's scary-!"

 

 

I close in fast and she shrieks bloody murder and tries to scramble over the bed, but I catch her around an ankle and drag her back, reversing our positions from earlier. She's light and easy to overpower, and I trap her ribcage with my fingers.

 

 

Komaru screams like she's losing her mind, her laughter echoing far. Her expression is a mess and she's drooling and crying, voice peaking ridiculously and cutting out, she's laughing herself completely hoarse-

 

 

...It kind of makes me want to laugh, too.

 

 

I'm smiling and she can't even see it through her lashes, so it's okay. Laughter rumbles up into my chest, rattling through me, inexperienced.

 

 

I see her reaching for her pillow and I go for mine at the same time; we trade blows, pummeling each other nonstop, until she manages a desperate upward swing and I counter it between us so hard my pillow ruptures and explodes open, feathers bursting all over us. We both freeze, completely dumbfounded by the hilarity of what's just happened, breathing hard, and she starts laughing again, even harder than before.

 

 

(All the feathers make her look like an angel.)

 

 

...Maybe my mind is running wild lately because I haven't actually settled down to do all that writing I planned to do. No avoiding it now. I'm making a date with that notebook first chance I get tomorrow.

 

 

I groan and roll over beside her, thoroughly spent, and trying to keep the feathers as far from my nose as possible. It's proving harder than expected, considering they're _fucking everywhere_. Komaru's giggling breathlessly beside me and she reaches over, slightly hesitant, but then she runs her fingers through my hair and moves it out of my eyes.

 

 

Seeing her like this, dewy-eyed and disheveled, looking at me the way she is-

 

 

-it makes me feel like we're supposed to say something right now. If this were a story I were writing...

 

 

...it would go right here.

 

 

But this isn't a fantasy. She's real and she's right here and I can't do anything that could take that away.

 

 

Her fingers delicately remove my glasses, and she rolls onto her back to set them on the bedside table.

 

 

I take advantage in the interim and lay my cheek on her chest, the rest of my sore body along hers.

 

 

"A-Ah-"

 

 

"M-My pillow is ruined a-and it'd be a hassle to go get another-" I explain lamely, but Komaru doesn't judge me. Her arm drapes over to rest between my shoulders and her other hand continues from before, petting through my hair. Her heart is pounding and it neutralizes all the noise in my head.

 

 

"-It's okay. Feels nice, right?"

 

 

"...Right..." I begrudgingly admit, turning my face fully in, to escape my shame.

 

 

_Let me die here. Can I do that. Can I die in Komaru's boobs._

 

 

"T-Touko, can...can you breathe like that-?"

 

 

"No."

 

 

"...Then how are you talking-?"

 

 

I moan and tilt my head back out of the void, so to speak, a little out of breath, but feeling better than I was, and lay my cheek back down on her like before.

 

 

_Nope. Komaru won't let me die in her boobs._

 

 

"...Don't worry so much."

 

 

"...Sure."

 

 

She sounds as tired as I do. Even though her breathing has slowed down, her heart is still pounding fast. Her body is really hot to the touch from all our wrestling around, but it doesn't bother me. Her hands feel so soothing and everything feels soft and faded all around.

 

 

Just before drifting off, I think I feel some sort of gentle pressure on the crown of my head.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to apologize for this chapter being so super monstrously long right now-it clocks in at about 6000+ words and I don't know what to say for myself besides that I really hope you enjoy it and don't mind the length. Thank you for following the story and I sincerely hope that you look forward to the next chapter!

My body is warm and heavy. It takes a while for my eyes to focus, for me to realize I'm not dreaming-

 

-that Touko is really sleeping so soundly on top of me, arms around my waist, palms against the small of my back.

 

I can feel her breathing deeply and slowly through her back under the hand I'd left there overnight, and with my other I go back to stroking her hair. It's so thick and soft; what would it be like to comb it, or braid it? She's so lucky. There's lots you can do with long hair, like weaving in flowers, or decorations...

 

Although, if anything, something small would be ideal. She's so beautiful that she doesn't need much.

 

Usually I'm the first one up and out of bed, getting ready for the day, but...

 

As long as Touko looks so at peace, I don't want to disturb her. I sit up just a little, so I can gently shift her head into my lap. When I pass my hand beneath her cheek to do so, her head tips into my palm with a lull, like the weight of her hair is anchoring her towards me. I stroke it back to one side, behind her, and the side of her neck peeks through the collar of her uniform. Without thinking, I lightly stroke my thumb from there down her shoulder, back and forth.

 

"Mmmn..." Touko's lips move dazedly, her chin tilting up. Her breath whistles softly between the part in her lips.

 

I can see the way her throat moves when she swallows, the way shadows carve themselves along the taut contours of her neck. Her collarbone is so pronounced, but I know firsthand what kind of strength lies beneath her frail, doll-like appearance. Just under her eyes is a certain heaviness-she doesn't often sleep well, or deeply, and it shows it her expression, the dark under her lashes.

 

But every part of her draws my eyes. The fullness of her breath, the dip in her back, the angles of her shoulders, their distinctive planes. The shell of her ear is pearly compared to the inky dark strands of hair I've tucked behind it.

 

I can't help but wonder whether or not I've ever looked at someone as closely as I look at Touko.

 

She shifts onto her back, her head tucking into the hand I'd been running through her hair, and I squeeze my mouth shut to keep quiet. My gaze falls to her lips and my throat constricts on the spot. I can hear blood pounding in my ears, and on its own, my other hand cups her other cheek.

 

Am I looking at Touko in a way I shouldn't?

 

Is it a way she wouldn't want me to?

 

Is it a way she wants someone else to look at her?

 

Is it a way I can even help feeling, that I could even stop if I wanted to?

 

My neck relaxes until I'm looking over her. My eyes close.

 

Is it a way that Touko could forgive me, for being weak-?

 

Her breath ghosts over my lips and I want so badly to close this distance I feel when I think about being with her, my heart to hers, this space between our lips-

 

The laptop on the table beside us illuminates beside us and blares to life with an echoing ring, shattering the silence.

 

"Y-Yes!?" I bolt upright and shout aloud-

 

-before actually answering the call-

 

"Oh-!" I lunge for the laptop and hastily answer the incoming video message.

 

The face that appears on the monitor seems familiar, but I can't remember her name off the top of my head. I've seen her talking to Touko a few times before though, so that puts me a little more at ease. Her shoulders are straight and her eyes are calm. I'm really impressed by the way she holds herself; even if I feel like her cool gaze is staring right through me.

 

"Hello, Komaru. Is Fukawa with you?"

 

I nod, a little surprised to be addressed by name. I know Makoto must've told her about me at some point, but I didn't expect someone like her to remember me. "Yes, she is. But she's still asleep, so I answered instead. Is...is that okay?" I'm a little nervous, but I don't know why.

 

"It's just as well. My message is for the both of you. We're beginning to prepare a plan of action meant for the extraction and rehabilitation of the Monokuma Kids remaining in the town."

 

"Oh-you're going to take them out of the city? That's probably for the best. Is...there something we can do to help? Is that why you called?"

 

"You catch on quickly." Her expression doesn't change much, but I catch the warmth behind her words. "As a matter of fact, we were hoping that the two of you could help lead them to a designated safe zone as you find them. We've made arrangements to give you a contact to call for pickups of the childen if you can get them there."

 

"Okay. We we just have to help them get to this place you have ready?"

 

"In a manner of speaking. It's not so much a place that's been prepared as it is...the safest place remaining in Towa City. The controller that you've turned over into our custody hasn't been touched since it was recovered from Monaca, and based on what our contact with the adults has observed of the children in passing, the brainwash has been losing effect over time. It's suspected that the helmets periodically released electromagnetic waves that affected their minds, but has since stopped with lack of use."

 

"I...see." It's a lot for me to follow, but I think I understand. "So that means...they're going back to being regular kids, right?"

 

I try to imagine what that could possibly feel like. Did they know what they were doing the whole time, even if they were doing things they didn't want to do, and hurting their families, their loved ones? Would they actually even remember what had happened?

 

Or would they wake up in a nightmare, In the ruins of war, wondering whether or not their families were out there somewhere, without knowing the truth? I feel sick to my stomach imagining it.

 

My thoughts must've come through on my face, because her voice startles me, like ice down my back.

 

"You're worried about them, I'm sure. It's understandable." She reads me immediately. "Our hope is that once those children are taken out of the city, it will mitigate the risk of anything happening that could lead to more violent rioting from the adults. Furthermore, with the children in our custody, they can finally get the help and surveillance they need to recover from what they've been through."

 

"Yeah...you're right." I swallow back my worries as I listen to her. Her words lend me confidence. The kids have a place to go now, and what's more, we have the ability and opportunity to help them in a meaningful way. We can actually make a difference for them now. "Those kids...they just need our help. As long as we focus on getting them to safety...it's a small step, but it's as good of a start as we have right now. They didn't ask for this. I...can't imagine how scared they're feeling."

 

"None of us can imagine if they're even feeling anything, to be honest. We won't know much about the way the Monokuma Helmets are designed until after we're able to procure them for examination. In shorter terms, I'm telling you that there's no way to tell how those children are going to be affected by having their minds altered, and that you will need to use caution around them. Especially when they were so young to begin with. The way they're feeling could be in a completely different stratosphere than the way a regular child handles trauma. They could be painfully aware of their situation...or completely dissociated, and feel nothing at all. You'll need to be ready for anything, including the possibility that they'll attack."

 

"N-Nothing at all? An...attack...? But..." My fingers slowed to a stop in Touko's hair as I considered what that would entail.

 

"It's only a possibility. I just want you to know that you may need to defend yourselves." Her expression is so stern that even with a screen between us, I can feel her keen gaze staring right through to me. "Are you able to handle that?"

 

_...Am I?_

 

"H-Handle _what?!_ What are you talking about?"

 

Touko's voice startles us both. She lifts her head out of my lap and reaches over me to retrieve her glasses.

 

"Kyoko? Is that you? What's going on?"

 

Kyoko doesn't answer her and though my eyes are downcast, I register the motions of Touko looking back and forth between us suspiciously. Seeing the both of them makes me realize how vastly different they are. Kyoko is sitting poised with an unbreakable steadiness that betrays nothing, while Touko's cheeks are flushed, her mouth trembles, and her eyebrows crinkle with frustration. Touko straightens up hastily, fussing with the bow on the front of her uniform.

 

"H-How long have you been there-?!"

 

"Long enough to explain the situation to Komaru. I don't care about whether or not you were just sleeping in her lap." Kyoko is brutally blunt in the face of Touko's terribly flustered reaction, then continues on to say, "I've talked enough. Komaru, if you can handle what we talked about, please relay the message to Touko as well. If it's impossible for you, we will try to make other arrangements."

 

I can't stop thinking about the children. I understand the need to defend ourselves, to fight if our lives depend on it, but the idea of it puts my stomach into knots.

 

But if it's not us that does it, who's going to? Would they be as worried about harming an innocent child as we would be? Even if they send good people, we've been living in Towa City for a long time, alongside their despair. We're the ones that really understand it.

 

When I think of it that way...

 

"...We'll do it."

 

Kyoko nods seriously and her lips pull into a thin, but appreciative smile. "Alright. I'll leave it to you then. I'm going to email you the location in question shortly. Good luck."

 

With that, the call cuts out, leaving Touko and I in silence. She picks at her fingernails and tilts her head to get a glimpse of my face.

 

"Komaru?...What's going on?"

 

I start to explain everything to her. I think I'm going to be okay until I start describing what we're meant to do if it goes wrong. My eyes start misting over with a familiar stinging sensation.

 

"I just...don't want to hurt them when they've already been through so much. When I think about them having no home left to go to like this and suffering the way they have been-" My hand clutches into the front of my uniform, "-it's not fair. It's so wrong, being forced to kill the ones you love-I...I want to help them..."

 

Touko's hands cup my face, the rough pads of her thumbs stroking away my tears.

 

"Then...let's do it. How is this any different from anything we've done before?...I'm with you, so...s-so we'll just do our best. Heh, besides-" I glance up, and Touko's crooked smile sets me at ease, "-I think the kids saw you making the right decision already. They saw you protect that controller to the very end. And if you can sway me with your sappy motivational speeches, then those kids should be in the bag. I...can't promise it'll all go perfect. But if something does happen, well...we'll just figure that out if the time comes."

 

"...Yeah, you're right. We're not gonna get anything done if we sit around moping." I nod and Touko gets up to find her shoes as I check the email Kyoko sent us, scribbling down the address on one of the memo pads from the hotel. I feel re-energized and much more confident after talking with Touko; sometimes she sounds harsh, and she always reaches for the very top of the shelf when it comes to insults, but when she encourages me, there's no better feeling in the world.

 

_Anyone would be lucky to have Touko's friendship._

 

I remove the hacking gun from its holster and meet eyes with Touko as we head for the door. Her shaky half-smile peeking out from under her teeth endears itself to me that much more.

 

_It...would be greedy to want more than that._

 

...

 

"So...how should we do this?" I asked Touko as we peered down an alleyway. Two children were sitting side by side near the dumpster, their knees drawn up to their chests.

 

"I-I don't know, I'm not any good with kids! I never even had a sibling...and it's not like we can just pick up and carry a bunch of kids to the destination address, is it?"

 

"No, definitely not." I scratch my chin as I think it over. Kyoko's advice about proceeding with caution isn't invalid or without merit, but...

 

I feel like it's just making me overthink things. Touko's with me, and she believes in me, so I should have a little more faith in myself.

 

"You know what? I'm just gonna talk to them."

 

"R-Really? You think that's a good idea?"

 

"It's worth a shot, right? If I act all nervous and weird around them...I dunno. I feel like they'll pick up on it."

 

"Okay...if you're sure. But-be careful. I'll be watching from right here if you need me, so if anything feels wrong, even just a little, just-just scream as loud as you can and I'll come, okay?"

 

"O-Okay Touko, I'll remember that." My cheeks are hot. It makes me kinda happy that she's so protective.

 

I step out from around our corner and walk a little closer to the kids.

 

"Hey..." I call out from what I'm hoping will be far enough away that they don't feel too startled, and wave at them. They bunch closer to each other as soon as they hear my voice. It's kind of strange to see these cold-looking helmets staring back at me when everything else about these kids seems so normal, but I stay the course. "Um...I'm Komaru Naegi, and..."

 

As I take a few steps closer, I notice that the two of them are holding hands. One of them braces her arm across the other one defensively. They're both shaking.

 

I don't even spare a thought to my next actions: my only concern, the moment I see them so afraid, is to take that fear away any way that I can. I put both of my hands up for them to see before slowly holstering my hacking gun. It's not like having it out could do much in this situation anyway, but if it helps, I don't mind. At any rate, they seem a little more relaxed, so I slowly come a little closer and kneel down to their level.

 

"...It's okay. It's okay to feel scared. You've been through so much. I don't want to hurt you." They're staring silently, but I feel like they're listening. "It's scary out here, so...if you want to leave, you can come with me and my friend. We can take you somewhere safer if you want."

 

I slowly extend my hands, hoping that they'll accept my offer, that they'll take them. They look at each other. Neither of them are shaking anymore.

 

They move so suddenly that for half a second I feel afraid; both of them spring to their feet and lunge forward, pushing themselves into my outstretched arms and hugging me around the shoulders.

 

"Ah-?"

 

"K-Komaru-!" Touko appears from behind the corner looking dangerously pale, breathing hard. Her hand is right over where she keeps her stun gun. The kids tense up in my arms at the sudden sound of her voice.

 

"I-It's alright, Touko!" I pat their backs reassuringly, "You two, this is my good friend, Touko. She's here to help too. She's with me, so don't worry-"

 

The two of them straighten up suddenly, and stare right at her.

 

"Wh-What? I-It's rude to stare, why're you-h-hey!"

 

Both of them have run out of my arms to hug her around her waist and leg, clutching at her skirt. Touko bristles visibly, but doesn't shove them away. I remember something just then, and I feel something click with understanding.

 

"Oh, Touko, you know what? They probably remember you too! You protected them even more than I could, when you get down to it." After all, she'd stopped me from breaking the controller.

 

"Wh-What?! Don't be absurd, l-like I said, I'm no good with kids-!" Touko squirms with discomfort and buries her face in her hands. " _Komaru_ ," she moans, "help me-"

 

"Okay, okay-" I walk over and offer my hands to the children again, who take them and release Touko, who breathes a huge sigh of relief.

 

"Oh thank god, oh my god-"

 

I watch her catch her breath and straighten herself out. "I didn't know you were so good with kids, Touko. They went right to you no problem!"

 

"Y-Yeah, I noticed." Touko groans as we move on out of the alley towards the destination. "Talk about bad judge of character..."

 

"Aww, don't say that! You can be really nurturing when you want to be, I mean, you're really good at making me feel better when I need it."

 

"Th-That's completely different. That's because it's you. I can barely handle one person needing comfort at a time and if it's going to be anyone I try that hard with...it's you, so..."

 

When I glance over at her, her cheeks are bright red. She looks over towards me with a sheepish smile and that nervous laugh of hers, but when she raises her eyes to mine they quickly widen with horror.

 

"Komaru-! Behind-!"

 

I look over my shoulder quickly; two Monokumas, lunging out of the shadows, claws outstretched. My hacking gun is right on my hip, but the children are holding both my hands.

 

There's no time. I swing them around out of the way, meaning to protect them with my body. I end up on my butt, the children huddled behind me, but Touko lunges forward and hits them with a huge dose of electricity.

 

"What are you doing?! Sh-Shoot them!"

 

"I-I can't reach my gun like this-!"

 

Touko sheathes her stun gun and immediately grabs the hands of the children from me, and they cling at clutch at her skirt again, trembling. "There! Do it now!"

 

With my hands free, I ready the hacking gun and fire two shots: a direct hit on each weak point. I know I got lucky. They fall one right after the other and stop moving for good. We all breathe a sigh of relief, and Touko comes over to extend her hand to me to help me up.

 

"Hey, Touko...? I don't know if I can hold onto the kids and the hacking gun at the same time..."

 

"...Yeah. Looks like there's nothing for it. I'll do it."

 

"Huh-? You mean-"

 

"J-Just a little farther to the address, right? I can handle it. Probably not many more than these two though..." Touko lifts both of the kids' hands. "I'm not an octopus."

 

"I-Is that really okay with you-?"

 

"W-What other choice is there?! You said it yourself, you can't use the hacking gun without your hands being free, and like hell I'm letting you have more close calls like that. It's fine." One of the kids started nuzzling Touko's legs and her whole upper body sank forward with a sigh.

 

"...Just make it quick."

 

"Gotcha."

 

...

 

The rest of the walk didn't take too long and we didn't face much opposition. I pulled the scrap of paper with the address we were meant to go to out of my pocket.

 

"Let's see...it should be pretty close. Touko, do you think you could take a look?"

 

Touko peeked over my shoulder, the two kids still clutching her hands.

 

"Wh-What-?! Wait a second, Komaru, this address!"

 

"Do you recognize it? I'm not so good with remembering street names, and so many of the signs were broken..."

 

"I-I don't believe this-!" Touko's eyes are wide with a bald and open excitement that I rarely see in her, and then of all things, she takes off, running ahead of me. "Komaru, hurry!"

 

"H-Huh?! Wait, Touko!" She's never, ever run off without me, and when I turn the corner after her and find out why she would, my heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach.

 

We're at a pair of looming, towering gates. A gilded, albeit slightly tarnished, letter 'T' stands proudly at the head of them, and they surround a courtyard the size of the running track at my old school that sprawls out beyond it to the enormous mansion at the back.

 

_This is..._

 

"M-M-Master's home! It's Master Byakuya's home! We're...we're really taking the kids here?! We can really go in? I'm not prepared for this at all, I'm-"

 

She's shaking all over. She looks...so happy.

 

_I can't feel sad or sorry for myself right now. I just can't. Not when Touko looks so happy. Not when it's been taken from her over and over and over again._

 

Her voice starts to shake and when I look up at her, there's tears pouring down her cheeks.

 

"I-I don't, know how to feel-! Am I d-dreaming?"

 

"D-Don't cry, Touko!" I laugh to cover up the sob that's sticking to the inside of my throat, but I'm crying now too. I rub both of her shoulders and shake her lightly. "You can sort out how you feel once we're inside. We've...got stuff to do-"

 

"K-Komaru, you're crying too!"

 

"I...I can't help it though-you're...you're _glowing_ , Touko-"

 

It's not a lie.

 

"D-Don't cry because of me! Wh-Why would you do that?!"

 

_Because I love your smile._

 

_Because you're happy, right?_

 

_Because I wish I could be the one to make you this happy?_

 

"C-Come on, you know I cry easily!" I wipe my eyes on the backs of my hands and force a smile.

 

"Hmph...I suppose that's true. Ouch-! Ugh-" The kids are jumping up and down, tugging on Touko's hands. A giggle passes my lips.

 

"They look excited to go in. Let's hurry up and get inside."

 

Even as the sun sets a few more degrees, leaving only the dimming and partly broken streetlights left to illuminate the look on Touko's face, my eyes feel weaker and weaker in the light caught in those few remaining tears.

 

...

 

The mansion looks even bigger once we're inside. The rooms are plenty, spacious, and lavishly decorated. I'm sure even the entrance hall alone is filled with enough artwork and valuables that easily exceed the worth of my entire house at least twice.

 

At any rate, the kids look really overjoyed: they run from room to room, playing tag and amusing themselves exploring what each room has to offer.

 

"This really does seem like a great place for kids. At least they won't get bored too easily."

 

"Y-Yeah, it's _perfect_ for kids." Touko says it with a certain wistfulness in her voice that leaves no mystery as to what she's imagining. My stomach feels like it's in knots again.

 

"Hm...though...it would probably be best to bring a few more kids before we call for them to be picked up, right?"

 

"You're right. We could probably make one or two more trips, at least. There should be enough here to keep them out of trouble in the meantime, while we're out."

 

I'm thankful Touko agreed so readily. I do want to help the children, but the idea of escaping the unsettling feeling the oppressive atmosphere in here awakens in me is nice too.

 

"And maybe we could stop by a convenience store and pick up a few coloring books for them," I add, "and maybe a little something to cook a nice meal for them, too. This place has a huge kitchen, I'm sure it wouldn't be too difficult."

 

"C-Cooking?...Alright, I...guess it can't hurt to try..."

 

I hugged the children goodbye and told them we'd be back soon. They ran up and hugged Touko's legs before running off to play. While we were outside, we managed to find two more children hiding in a parking lot outside a convenience store, and after a little coaxing, they joined us, and even helped pick out some coloring books and crayons to bring back to the mansion. They seemed to get along well with the other kids when we dropped them back off, and all of them sat in the living room together to color. Touko and I left one more time and found two more children huddled behind a grocery store, where we loaded up a shopping basket with everything we needed to make macaroni and cheese from the box, a bunch of paper plates, and an array of juice boxes. We had six children altogether when we made it back, and as they played, we ducked into the kitchen to work on dinner.

 

"Um...Komaru...? I don't...actually know how to cook or anything-" Touko groaned and dragged her hands down her face, "-god, I'm n-not fit to be a w-wife at all at this point-"

 

"What? Don't say that, you'd make a wonderful wife!" I knelt down to look through the cabinets, finding several saucepans. "And cooking is mostly preparation anyway. Me and Makoto and our parents used to all take turns making dinner, so I know how to cook some easy stuff. If you follow my instructions it'll be a piece of cake, okay? Could you maybe preheat the stovetop and find a big pot that we can fill with water?"

 

She didn't reply. I had continued looking through the cabinets as I spoke to her, so I couldn't see her face until I looked up. She had her hands folded in front of her and she was grinning ear to ear.

 

"...Touko?"

 

"Y-Yeah?! Yeah, I...I can do that. I can f-f-follow instructions real good..." Touko hugged herself around the elbows with a dazed expression on her face as she began to navigate the kitchen.

 

"Watch your step, okay? You'll get hurt if you trip on something in here."

 

I'd only thrown the remark out in passing, but she squeaked and straightened her back immediately, and when she looked back at me with an almost apologetic grin, I felt my face going nearly as red as hers.

 

"Y-Yes, Komaru..."

 

_Huh. No sarcasm?_

 

"I found it."

 

"W-Waah!" I ram my head into the inside of the cabinet as soon as I feel her behind me.

 

_That was fast...!_

 

I stand up and turn around. She's holding a big pot filled to the brim with so much water that it's spilling out the sides. Her eyes are lit up eagerly with such anticipation that I can't help but praise her anyway.

 

"O-Oh! Good job, Touko. But let's pour out just a little, there's a bit too much. Here..." I stand behind her and help her tip out the excess into the sink. It must be much too heavy for her; all the while as we're pouring it, her shoulders are trembling like crazy. "You really went all out, huh?"

 

"Y-Y-Yes...I-I-I guess I did...! Ehehe..."

 

My breath catches when I look at her and see that the happy look on her face is back: is it really only because I praised her for something so little?

 

It's making my heart _melt_.

 

I hear something crashing in the other room. It doesn't sound like much, but I'm a little worried about the kids. I stroke Touko's arm reassuringly when she flinches at the sound.

 

"Can you...put the water on the stove? Don't touch the burner or you'll get hurt. When it starts bubbling, add a few boxes of noodles and reduce the heat just a little. After that, if you stir it every once in a while for about seven minutes, just so it doesn't stick to the bottom of the pot, it should be okay. Call me if you have any trouble, okay? I'm going to phone Future Foundation, too, and let them know they can come pick them up."

 

"Y-Y-Yeah...I've got it..." She still sounds like she's in the middle of a dream.

 

I make the call from our laptop and they tell us to expect someone within an hour. Then I check in on the kids only to find that they'd bumped into a pedestal with a crystal vase on it, now laying in pieces on the ground. Two of them are hanging their heads guiltily.

 

"Hey, it's okay, accidents happen! You two aren't hurt, are you? These pieces look pretty sharp..." They both shake their heads. "It's really fine. I've broken stuff on accident too before. This sorta thing just happens. I'll take care of it, but make sure you're being careful where you're playing, alright?" They both nod and run off to the other room to color with their newfound friends. I don't see a dustpan or anything nearby, but the shards are large enough that I'm sure I've picked them all up. There's probably somewhere to throw them away in the kitchen-

 

"K-Komaru-!"

 

"A-Ah-!"

 

Touko's voice startles me, and a fragment of crystal edges against the inside of my index finger, leaving a thin slice and drawing a trickle of blood along it. I push it quickly into my mouth before entering the kitchen to see what Touko needs. The taste of copper blooms against my tongue, and it reminds me distantly of how Touko's kiss tasted, on that balcony, and in my dream. The texture of her lips, deeply chapped with abuse from her teeth-

 

-Syo had slid their cutting edge against mine, without hesitation, without shame. I feel for her the same way that I do when I think about Touko-

 

-My head hurts trying to figure everything out-

 

"K-Komaru, it's still bubbling a lot-wh-what do I do, did I do it wrong-?"

 

"No, no, you did great!" I reassure her quickly, "Let's just turn it down a little more and it should be perfect." I open the cabinet door beneath the sink to quickly throw away the broken shards of the vase, then reach over to adjust the knob on the oven. Before I can retract my hand, Touko's thin fingers lunge out, closing around my wrist.

 

"Wh-What did you do to yourself?!" Her eyes are fixed on my bleeding finger.

 

"I-It's okay! It's just a scratch-"

 

Touko drags my hand under the faucet and turns the water on, grabbing a dishtowel and hastily squeezing it around my finger.

 

"H-H-Hold that and don't let it go, okay?" She swallows hard and looks away from it, shoulders trembling.

 

"Th-Thanks for taking care of me, Touko, I'll hold it." She lets go to return to stirring the macaroni. "You're getting pretty good at that if you can handle it and take care of me being such a klutz at the same time."

 

Her whole body seems to unclench a little.

 

"Y-Yeah-seems like it." She shimmies bashfully and peeks over her shoulder at me. "What should I do next, Komaru? Y-Y-You...you have more instructions for me to follow, right? Since you're hurt...you'll...n-n-need to tell me exactly what to do, right?"

 

"Wh-What? I can still help, I wouldn't make you finish alone your first time-"

 

Touko makes the strangest noise I've ever heard in my life, but she looks...happy?

 

...I think?

 

"Y-Y-You're right, you're right-! W-We'll do it...we'll... _finish together_ , then-"

 

We drain the macaroni into a strainer over the sink, then transfer it back into the pot. The steam fogs up Touko's glasses, so I take them off of her face and wipe the condensation off on my shirt before giving them back. She murmurs her thanks and I retrieve the nearly-empty boxes of macaroni, finding the cheese powder packets inside.

 

"We're gonna pour these in and stir them as best we can. Whatever little water is left inside will have to be enough for a sauce since there's no good milk or butter anywhere...but this should be good enough. If you wanna get the plates ready, I'll tell the kids the food is ready."

 

Touko nods and sets to work, that oddly pleased and charming smile sneaking back onto her face again, and I go into the living room, cupping my hands around my mouth.

 

"Dinner's ready! Come get some!"

 

Silence. Then, what sounds like a miniature stampede as twelve little feet carry six little kids charging into the dining room, pulling out chairs and jumping into their seats. I give them all a box of juice before going to the kitchen to help Touko bring out the macaroni, and they're already sucking through the straws through little holes in their helmets by the time we're done setting the table.

 

"Oh...uh. Shoot. Touko?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"...Can they even eat this through their helmets?"

 

We watch closely. A few of them are struggling with the utensils, but eventually they get a few bites through. The meal continues, albeit a bit slowly. Touko and I share a proud look for all we've accomplished. Afterwards, I go around with a napkin wiping the 'mouth' of each child and suddenly-

 

_SPLAT._

 

A wet and gooey glob of macaroni is splattered against one child's helmet. The one on the receiving end starts laughing, and lobs another handful back across the table-

 

In seconds it's an all-out war.

 

"H-Hey! W-Wait a second-!" I cry out, dodging another airborne fistful of pasta.

 

It hits Touko in the cheek and splatters her glasses.

 

"Ugh!" She shrieks, "Are you _kidding_ me?! After slaving over a hot stove-! I-I'm no soft touch! Komaru may go easy on you, but I swear, keep it up if you all want a good spanking-!"

 

"Don't worry, Touko! I'll avenge you!"

 

"W-W-Wait, Komaru! Ugh, typical-you always let them rile you up, j-just like that-!"

 

I toss a handful-gently-at one of the kids. It hits an ear of the helmet, and they all return fire. I try to dive under the table, but get nailed in the arm and on the side of my head, right in my hair.

 

"Nooo! You got me!" I cry out, wriggling and trying to shake it off.

 

"Ahh...ah- _hwaah-tchoo!_ "

 

When I look up again, plates of macaroni are flying through the air like frisbees.

 

"Kyehahahaha! Get ready for the _Geno-slider Special!_ "

 

Syo is skipping across the table, stomping in food and kicking plates into the air as children scream and cheer. She's splattered with cheese from her fingertips to the fraying edges of her skirt, and she laps a little off her fingers before cartwheeling off the table and hoisting me to my feet.

 

"Let's get 'em, Dekomaru! Team Ultra Dangerous Sisters against the Button-nosed Brats! Kyehahahaha!"

 

With a side-splitting cackle, she tears off, throwing macaroni and squirting juice boxes at the kids. They scatter in all directions and some even hide behind me.

 

"W-Woah, hey!" I shrink back as Syo gets closer, and she's swaying on her feet like she's ready to lunge at any moment, shifting her weight between her feet.

 

"What's _thiiis?_ Oooh, I get it...you're hiding behind Dekomaru 'cause you think I won't touch her! I gotta hand it to you little shrimps, that's pretty coy! Buuut-!" She puts her hands behind her back and saunters forward, smiling like a cat that's got the cream, "-joke's on you!" She dips forward and blows my hair away from my ear, hands whipping out from behind her to grab my shoulders and pull me close as she _whispers_ -

 

"...Because I'd do a lot more than just _touch_ you, Dekomaru."

 

I freeze as the words ghost over the shell of my ear.

 

"H-Huh...?"

 

Before I can think about them, the sound of a helicopter landing outside interrupts us.

 

"What the hell's that?!" Syo barks.

 

"A-Ah-it's for the children, it's time for them to be evacuated-"

 

"Kyehahahaha! My my my my my! And just when things were getting fun...alright, my darling little hellions! Line up like good little ducklings!"

 

They follow us out to the courtyard. As they file towards the Future Foundation members waiting to receive them, Syo plants a big kiss on each of their helmets.

 

"Bye bye! Be good! Or not! _Haaah_ , they grow up so fast, don't they, Dekomaru? Our little darlings, leaving the nest already-!"

 

She actually looks a little sad to be saying goodbye.

 

"Hey, Naegi." A Future Foundation member approaches while Syo is busy waving goodbye to the kids in the chopper, making funny faces at them to entertain them. He waves over two others that are offloading something familiar from the back of the helicopter. "Our contact with the adults recovered this. Told us to deliver it to 'Koko' and 'Fufu'. You can use it to return to your base of operations."

 

"Oh-this is!"

 

It's the motorcycle that Haiji had us ride to his factory a long time ago. It's still in pretty good shape.

 

"We'll be in touch again soon."

 

He gave a curt wave and boarded the helicopter. I watched alongside Syo as it took off, and as it faded from sight, she propped her hand on my shoulder, the other on her hip, and leaned over at a dangerous slant, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

 

"Alone at last, ehh, Dekomaru?" She jutted her chin towards the motorcycle, beaming with excitement. "Let's ride!"

 

I feel the day finally catching up with me all at once. We're sweaty, sticky, sore, and covered with macaroni. It feels like it's been forever since our lazy morning.

 

I mount the motorcycle and Syo hops on close behind me, looping her arms around my waist and hugging on as I rev it up.

 

"...I missed you, Dekomaru."

 

I take a deep breath. I don't know why her saying so hit me in such a way, but it feels like I can't find any air. The sunset blurs brightly in front of me and I'm just staring, wondering, wishing-

 

Without looking away, I answer her.

 

"...I missed you too."

 

"Get us back before I nod off. I...wanna talk to you."

 

"Yeah...I do too." My heart feels a little lighter.

 

_Because hers is sharing in my heartache right now. I can feel it._

 

"Then let's go! Pedal to the metal! To our...horizon!"

 

I rev the engine again and we tear off, her laughter behind us echoing into the night.


	7. Chapter 7

(I'm asleep.)

 

 

(But I can hear something.)

 

 

(It's...Komaru. Her heartbeat.)

 

 

(It's not me that's listening, but I can still hear it.)

 

 

(I've never been so lucid before...what is she planning to do with Komaru?)

 

 

(I can only think of one other time I've felt awake like this, and it was Komaru's words that had reached me then, too.)

 

 

(I know she's here. I can hear her heartbeat making my bones rumble, mine syncing with hers.)

 

 

(Following her lead comes so naturally-my body follows her pace without question. I don't have to choose, and it's not because I can't.)

 

 

(But maybe, with Komaru...even that would be fine.)

 

 

(Is Komaru stealing me away from somewhere?)

 

 

(Is that why I'm awake?)

 

 

(Am I supposed to fight?)

 

 

(Do I even want to?)

 

 

(I can hear voices, like my head is deep underwater.)

 

 

"---, go inside?"

 

 

"---, we're disgusting! --- need to ---"

 

 

(Back and forth. Like a dewdrop down the veins of a heavy leaf overlooking still water, her voice fills me slowly, beading at its zenith and falling, rippling through me like the waves made at the point of contact, a bright and clear sound-)

 

 

"A...A bath? Together?"

 

 

(My heart is crashing against my sternum painfully as Syo's excitement courses through me and bleeds into mine. My body is warm where I'm touching Komaru, where _she_ is touching Komaru.)

 

 

(For a moment I see Komaru's face, looking back over her shoulder. We're standing in front of the hotel, so why are my arms still around her, why am I pulling her so damn close-?)

 

 

(- _because I don't want to let go_ -)

 

 

(-Her lips move-)

 

 

(-I want to kiss them-)

 

 

"I...I don't mind."

 

 

(I'm sinking deeper.)

 

 

(She can't see me. Please, god, someone-don't let her see what you've done, what _I've_ done-)

 

 

(I can see her eyes watching as my fingers tread the fabric covering my hideous scars, fabric stained with dried food and soiled by sweat, the last and only line of defense.)

 

 

(Could she look upon me without being repulsed? My fingers are shaking. She can't see under my clothes because-)

 

 

(- _she wouldn't have me if she knew_ -)

 

 

(-a coward's wounds and tallies of blood spilled for my countless humiliations would stay forever in her mind as a story I'd never written, had never wanted to share but upon pages, not upon my skin, where every truth was etched and could not be dressed in paper and made beautiful.)

 

 

(But part of me wants to know.)

 

 

(If all of me were to feel the cold air against my skin, and know I'm out of time with nowhere to hide...)

 

 

(...Would Komaru keep me safe?)

 

 

(Would she touch my scars, with her hands, and then her lips?)

 

 

(Each and every one of them-would she pour her love into the cracks, not to make me whole, but to heal where heartache had eroded them?)

 

 

(I want to know so badly. I can't stand being caught between her and Master, suspended in the interim like I'm almost drowned an inch below the air. Wasn't Master the entire sea to me, all-encompassing and capable of suffocating the parts of me that I hated, molding even my sorry existence into something acceptable?)

 

 

(If he's the sea, then Komaru is the air but an inch from my lips, that I'm watching with envy from below the surface like it's glass instead of water.)

 

 

(I want to take a breath. I've been holding it my whole life, but-)

 

 

(When I do, when my lungs fill with what's beyond this water that's dark, that in spite of it being so has become something I could at least rely upon to be painful-)

 

 

(If I take the hand that Komaru has extended to me, if it bears her love as well as her friendship, when everything of mine is here in the dark, it'll be the end.)

 

 

(It'd be the same as saying that it'd truly been completely absent in my life. That it's true, that I'd never been offered that hand, the warmth of that kindness ever before. But that's nothing new, that I had no one. The only thing that's changed is Komaru. From a girl to a crybaby to a friend, and-)

 

 

(---...)

 

 

(I can't. I can't change her into something different again. She's my first and only friend and much too precious to lose if I mess it up.)

 

 

(But when I think of sharing breath with her, and surfacing from-)

 

 

(-No-)

 

 

(I shouldn't even be thinking this far. I can't idealize her into a fantasy. Not when she's always been so painfully real.)

 

 

(I'd use her. I'd hurt her. Worst of all, I'd do it slowly, day by day, without even knowing. At least with Master, I couldn't possibly-)

 

 

(- _matter?_ )

 

 

(-hurt him in the least.)

 

 

(I hear something.)

 

 

(Can I stop screaming long enough to listen?)

 

 

(Komaru's breathing so hard that I can't think of anything else.)

 

 

(Her back is against the wall, hands in mine, fingers entwined.)

 

 

(I want my body on hers.)

 

 

(To kiss those lips.)

 

 

"Come here, Dekomaru, let's have some of that sweet, sweet sugar-!"

 

 

(Her throat is bare and the rise of her chest stutters as it meets the resistance mine provides.)

 

 

(I want to breathe like that with her, straight out of her lungs, barely breathing at all, lost together like that.)

 

 

(Komaru's pulse jumps under my teeth, and the weight of her body sags down the wall, hands immobilized above her with mine. Her knees almost give completely.)

 

 

(Did I hurt her? Is she scared-)

 

 

(I search her expression and find silence, while her dizzied eyes alone find light, pupils blown. A plum-colored bruise blooms and ripens on her neck. Her scent is tamped into my lips.)

 

 

(Her taste soaks my synapses, weights my tongue. I lick my lips, tasting perspiration-)

 

 

(Copper.)

 

 

(I taste copper.)

 

 

(It's very faint, but I know it immediately.)

 

 

(My heart pounds so hard that my ribs embed patterns into it. Her image before me flickers fuzzily, like the focus of a camera's lens, until-)

 

 

"...Touko?"

 

 

"H-Hh...uh...?"

 

 

Like a blow to the chest, I inhale, stunned, and look around wildly.

 

 

"Wh-Where are we, Komaru...?" The details that had been so peripheral before are rushing my senses. I can hear running water, like a fountain, or a shower, splattering on stone. There are rows of empty cubbies along one wall and another row containing a few pairs of slippers. I stare absently at her mouth as she explains.

 

 

"Well, we're...downstairs from our usual hotel room. We explored a little and found out that there's actually a pretty nice onsen in here, and...we...were kinda thinking about taking a bath, together..."

 

 

It's the kind of explanation that makes it obvious that there's a ton that's being left out. I've been hanging off the front of her shoulders since coming back into my right mind, and she's holding me up under my elbows.

 

 

This is always my most despised part of this ordeal: trying to piece together what was said and what was done and how I'm going to clean up after it.

 

 

Komaru's involvement complicates things: I can remember things, if they're about her. Even then, it's only some of them. I'm lost for context with most of what little I _do_ remember, and most of what I do remember of _that_ are just feelings that I can't act on anyway.

 

 

The continual sound of the running water in our otherwise quiet environment is easy on the ears, and the warm steam furling out from the next room over is...inviting.

 

 

"If you'd rather not, I understand. O-Or we could wear towels, or go one at a time, if that's better-"

 

 

I do want a bath. And I do want to take it with Komaru.

 

 

But-

 

 

"...It's fine. I just...need to go upstairs first. I need to put my glasses away, and-I just need a moment to get ready." I'm usually better of a liar, but Komaru trusts me too much to question it. And boy, doesn't that little barb of guilt feel just great. I draw back from her and fidget with the collar of my uniform, considering it a little more before nodding to myself. "If...if you can find towels...we can go t-together..."

 

 

She'd see my arms. There was no way around that.

 

 

But I'm just so _tired_.

 

 

Komaru looks elated, and I know with all my heart that she's going to put every effort into finding us towels, which makes doing what I need to do in the meantime a little easier, gives me a little more time. She sets off with an innocent smile while I return upstairs to our room, hastily barricading the door and tearing through the stack of books we'd found the other day, finding my empty notebooks and some pens. I bring everything to the bathroom, pulling the door closed and jamming some towels into the corner of it, even though I know full well it's mostly futile.

 

 

If she wants to get out, it'll take more than this to stop her.

 

 

I won't let her. I'll just have to be more. I have things I need to know, one last task to complete before I can be close to Komaru-

 

 

I open the notebook to the first blank page and write like I'm attacking the page and the ink isn't ink at all, but blood, and I'm not afraid.

 

 

_What did you do to Komaru? Tell me everything._

 

 

I remove the stun gun from its holster, point it to my head, take a deep breath-

 

 

-and pull the trigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry if this chapter seems a little short: exciting things are coming though! Thank you again for continuing to follow the story! I'd also like to say a big thank you to you guys for the overwhelming response to the last chapter! It was so exciting to read so many thoughtful and sweet comments and you guys helped me power through like nothing else! I'll work hard again to ensure that the next chapter is extra special.


	8. Chapter 8

My fingers pass over that spot on my neck for what must be the dozenth time since Touko went upstairs. It doesn't hurt, but I can feel it like a brand on my skin.

 

Syo had told me she wanted me to have something to remember her by.

 

Was it really okay, to accept her affections behind Touko's back like this?

 

I want to believe Syo when she tells me it's fine, that their emotions are the same, but even so, I don't want to let anything happen without Touko being alright with it. Just because she may have those kinds of feelings doesn't mean she wants to act on them.

 

When I think about her having feelings for me, my chest feels funny.

 

The things that were enough to earn her friendship-I'm not sure they'd be enough for her love. And it's all I have.

 

I groan aloud as I open a linen closet and sift through it, pushing a stack of sheets aside and finding some towels. They're a little small, but they'll have to do.

 

Even if I could be sure I could make her happy, what in the world would I say to her, knowing how important even a single word can be to her? How would I ever figure out how to let her know I'm serious?

 

She's...

 

...got Byakuya already, anyways...

 

Even knowing that, and having it hurt so much to think about, I can't keep from wondering, from hoping.

 

Hope isn't supposed to feel like this.

 

I've just...gotta bounce back, that's all. I'm used to it. Telling myself that something doesn't hurt as deeply as it should, that everything will be alright...it's something that I'm good at. I lost my friends. I lost my parents-

 

-but then the world brought me Touko and Syo, to make me stronger, a much better person who doesn't want to give up or lie to myself anymore-

 

I sink to my knees and shove my face into our towels, smothering the heat rising into my eyes.

 

_That's exactly what makes this so hard._

 

Wanting to scream from a rooftop, wanting to run to the ocean and stand at the edge of a pier, to proudly tell the sky and the sea the secret of how I feel about her even if she wouldn't want to hear the words herself-

 

The towel on top has to be mine now. There's too much of me leaking into it to give to Touko.

 

...God, I'm really blubbering now. What would she say if she saw me like this? I smile imagining it. I know exactly what she'd say.

 

_"Jeez! I leave you to yourself for a few minutes and you're already bawling like a kid...You really can't handle being alone, can you? Guess there's no choice. Do I need to hold your hand everywhere?"_

 

I laugh a little and sniffle into the towel. She'd act like it was a big inconvenience, but would bite her lip and grin and crack jokes and make jabs at me until I forgot about it.

 

Hugging the towels, I let out a long sigh.

 

Touko is...a really wonderful girl.

 

As I stand up and rub my eyes, I start thinking how unusual it is that she isn't back yet. It hasn't been terribly long, and I know she's more than capable of taking care of herself, but...

 

...What if she ran into trouble?

 

The thought resonates with me and I drop our towels on one of the benches near the cubbies on my way out, drawing the hacking gun and making a brisk exit towards the stairs, moving up them with purpose and breaking into a run once I reach our hallway.

 

There's no sign of trouble yet-

 

-so why can't I shake this feeling that something's wrong?

 

I reach the door and jerk the handle.

 

Locked.

 

I shake it again, feeling my pulse quicken as cold sweat beads along my temples and down my back. Do I have the right door? Of course I do-I'd never forget, and there's nobody in any of the other rooms to lock those ones-

 

_Touko is locked in this room._

 

The realization pierces through me like ice.

 

"Touko?!" I shake the handle as hard as I can, slamming palms and then fists against the door with bruising force. Darkness is vignetting my vision-no, not again, not her-

 

This-

 

-despair-

 

 

It's too familiar.

 

"Touko!" I call her name again and again, "Y-You're in there, aren't you?! So...so answer me! Please!"

 

I throw my entire weight against the door, knowing it shouldn't be even close to enough, not caring in the least. I feel something moving when I collide with it, and realize that it's not locked; there's something keeping it closed, and if that's the case, it's just a matter of hitting it _harder_ -

 

I can hit it harder.

 

Touko's in there.

 

I _have_ to.

 

I'm not giving up, not this time, not again. I plant my feet firmly against the ground and launch myself forward against the door, furiously rattling the handle.

 

"Touko, I'm coming!" I cry out to her, "Just...hold...on-!" I punctuate each word of my promise to save her with my body slamming against the door. I feel a numbing sensation in my arm, my heart racing, and the door _gives_ -

 

A deafening, splintering sound assaults my ears as the chair that had been blocking the door's handle cracks apart, and I tumble forward into the room, catching myself on my hands as I hit the floor. Momentarily stunned that I'd actually made it in, I blink dazedly and lift my head.

 

I breathe in so forcefully that I may as well have fallen onto a knife. I don't even know where to rest my gaze.

 

The entire room is completely destroyed. Curtains and bedding are in frayed tatters, shredded and sliced apart, pillows torn open, their feathers blanketing the carpet like snow. The lamps are haphazardly skewn across the ground, the glass from their broken bulbs speckling the floor.

 

There was a fight in this room, and it'd been...so _vicious_ -

 

_Where's Touko._

 

I don't see any blood, but realizing there isn't raises more questions than it answers.

 

_Get up. Get up, get up and look...!_

 

"T-Touko..." My voice shakes as badly as my legs do when I push myself upright, wobble back onto my feet precariously.

 

I realize the lack of blood isn't the only thing out of place amongst the chaotic scene.

 

Scattered everywhere, on the floor, the bed, between rooms, torn in pieces, crumpled up, is...

 

...Paper. Sheets of white, bright paper, brand new, litter the entire room.

 

My gaze comes to rest upon one sheet in particular, laying on the floor by the hallway leading to the bathroom. It's covered margin to margin in huge letters, as if it's calling out for me to read it. It looks...like Touko's handwriting, but something's off about it. I don't even realize that I'm bending down to pick it up until my fingertips close around it.

 

I read the words on the page.

 

_This isn't a game and I can't let you hurt her. I can't let either of us hurt her._

 

_YOU'RE HURTING HER PLENTY BY TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LOVE MASTER BYAKUYA, IDIOT. ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T JUST LIKE SEEING THAT COLD SWEAT, ALL OVER HER BODY, IMAGINING HOW JEALOUS SHE IS? SHE'S NOT SUCH A LATE-BLOOMING CRYBABY YOU KNOW, SHE'LL TIPTOE THROUGH YOUR 'TWO LIPS' IN A HEARTBEAT IF YOU LET HER! BOTH PAIRS!_

 

_Don't talk about her like that!_

 

I...don't know that I should be reading this. Right away I get a feeling like...I maybe shouldn't read it without Touko's permission, but it's as though the gravity of the words is pulling my sight down the page.

 

_IF YOU'RE NOT HEAD OVER HEELS FOR DEKOMARU IN MIND, BODY AND SOUL, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT THEN?_

 

_I don't know! But liking that someone is jealous doesn't automatically make it love!_

 

_YOU LIKE THAT IT HURTS HER TO EVEN IMAGINE YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE, BECAUSE YOU WANT HER TO IMAGINE HERSELF WITH YOU THE SAME AS YOU IMAGINE HER!_

 

It continues when I flip the paper to the reverse side.

 

_But I already chose Master Byakuya!_

 

_YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE SHIT! YOU HID BECAUSE IT'S EASY TO KEEP DOING SOMETHING YOU'RE USED TO, EVEN IF IT HURTS, ESPECIALLY IF IT HURTS! DO YOU LOVE BYAKUYA, OR THE IDEA OF HIM? YOU FELT IT TOO, DIDN'T YOU? HOW DISGUSTING IT FEELS TO THINK ABOUT RAISING A PASSEL OF BRATS WITH SOMEONE THAT CAN'T EVEN SPARE ENOUGH LOVE FOR YOU. YOU THINK YOU HAVE ENOUGH LOVE ON YOUR OWN TO GIVE TO THOSE CHILDREN TO MAKE UP FOR IT AND YOU DO BUT YOU WILL SUFFER AND DIE A LITTLE MORE EVERY FUCKING DAY TRYING TO FIND AN OUNCE OF IT FOR YOURSELF AND YOU KNOW IT AND IT'S A LITTLE TOO REAL FOR YOU. YOU'RE WOUND SO FUCKING TIGHT THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN ENJOY IT WHEN YOU GET EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT IN KOMARU! YOU DON'T CHANGE KOMARU WHEN YOU IMAGINE LIVING WITH HER AND BEING MOMMIES TO THOSE KIDS, TUCKING THEM ALL IN, AND THEN TAKING HER HOME AND GETTING HOT AND HORIZONTAL WITH HER, BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO STRETCH A TRUTH THAT HAS BETTER STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY THAN SWISS CHEESE!_

 

_She's our friend, you hedonistic, lusting, idiot slut!_

 

_THEN SHARE HER!_

 

_I don't trust you!_

 

_I WANT TO SEE HER!_

 

_You want to do more than that!_

 

_YOU CAN'T DO THIS YOU CAN'T KEEP HER ALL TO YOURSELF AND THEN BLAME YOUR FEELINGS ON ME WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE WITH HER MOST OF THE TIME! IF I'M THINKING ABOUT DEFLOWERING DEKOMARU IN A MOMENT OF PASSION, IT'S BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO FIRST, IT'S BECAUSE YOU'VE THOUGHT ABOUT HOW HAPPY YOU'D BE TO WAKE UP WITH HER IN YOUR ARMS AFTER YOU'VE DONE EVERYTHING BAD TO HER, AFTER YOU MADE SURE HER HEART WAS ALL YOURS TO EAT LIKE THE CONNIVING SHE-DEVIL YOU ARE! YOU ONLY HATE THE IDEA OF ME BEING ALONE WITH HER BECAUSE I'D GIVE HER EVERYTHING YOU'RE TOO AFRAID TO!_

 

_If you do anything to Komaru that she doesn't want I'll kill us both. And I won't fuck it up this time, either._

 

It ends with a splotch of ink, as if the pen had been held to the paper too long and with too much pressure, and it smears when it mingles with the tears welling out of my eyes and falling onto the page.

 

All of this-

 

I look over my shoulder at the room behind me, at all the scattered, torn, shredded broken pieces-

 

-of _Touko_ -

 

-she was...keeping all of this...

 

...inside of her?

 

...Because of me?

 

A brittle gasp from the bathroom drags me back to reality, and her name bubbles up into my chest like it's too wide to go through my throat.

 

I take one step. I can hear water running. One more step. She's not making a sound, but I can feel her inside the room.

 

If I close my eyes-

 

-I hear that way that she breathes, like she's afraid of the air in her lungs, like she can't keep it down long enough. I hear water splattering loudly and continuously, echoing inside the room.

 

I lay my palms against the door, as gently as I would if it were the beating of her heart. I don't push it open so much as rest my weight against it. It opens with a reluctant moan, and she's there.

 

Touko Fukawa is sitting against the wall of a running shower, her forehead on her knees, arms crossed, curled up and shivering. When she lifts her head, beads of water drip down her foggy glasses and damp hair shifts and clings to her cheeks. A rust colored stain bridges the gap between her nose and her upper lip. When she passes a ratty sleeve beneath her glasses in a futile motion to dry her eyes, tilting her face away in shame, I can see a mark on her right temple-a burn. Her stun gun is on the floor a few feet away. Her gaze settles on the piece of paper gripped tightly in my hand, and she's quiet, fingers knotting into the ribbon over her heart and squeezing like it'll stop it from hurting, eyelids sliding low and heavy to a close as her chin dips to her chest, shoulders shaking like she doesn't even have the strength to cry.

 

"I c-couldn't do it. She...wouldn't let me-and I didn't want to, anyway-not really-"

 

Her words hook deeply into my heart, not only for what they are, but for the expression on her face.

 

...I don't think even Touko would be able to find the words to describe the look in her eyes.

 

"Her feelings...are the same as mine. I kept trying to disagree with her, even when I knew how I felt-n-no, because I knew how I felt-how I feel-I...I went through all that trouble to tame her, but...I can't stop her from wanting to spend time with you. I don't think I can fight her on it...as long as I want to be with you. And I don't think either of us ever want...to change that part of ourselves, no matter what. "

 

"Touko..." I feel suffocated when I hear how tired she sounds. The shower soaks me through with freezing cold water as I step under it with her and sit at her side, but I don't care, not when all I want to do is understand what she's been fighting with all alone. It's not fair that she's been alone for so long-

 

-and she shouldn't have to be alone even when she's with me.

 

"I-Idiot...you'll c-c-catch cold..."

 

"Then stay close. And don't go."

 

I turn and put one of my hands over hers, still clenched tightly over her chest. She swallows and looks over at me, and then my shoulder. I tighten my grasp and pull her into an embrace, let her rest her cheek on my chest, and she listens to what I can only hope my heart is telling her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gave me...a ton of trouble. Holy heck. I'm just gonna apologize if it feels weird compared to other chapters? Maybe I'm in a weird perspective here because I had to literally rework this thing from the ground up so many times in so many places that I feel like mentally it's been through the food processor of my writing mind too many times so maybe it's just me. Please let me know what you think of it! Thank you for continuing to follow this story. As I've mentioned before, if the rating is about to change I'll give advance warning. EDIT: Fixed a formatting error!


	9. Chapter 9

Komaru isn't normal.

 

The only explanation I have for why anybody could make me feel the way I do flies directly in the face of everything I know about her.

 

I know she was normal. I know she liked manga and whatever music everybody else was listening to. Even when her world was steeped in despair, she never let that make her hard or cruel, even when she had to learn how to protect herself.

 

Was it envy I was feeling, or admiration?

 

"Hey, Komaru." I move my lips against her throat. She swallows before answering.

 

"...Yeah Touko?"

 

"What's the worst thing you've ever done in your life?"

 

"H-Huh?...Well...I dunno. That's...a pretty broad question all of a sudden."

 

"You don't have one then? You don't know?"

 

"No...well, yeah, but-"

 

"Which is it already? Come on, there must be something." I lean my head back with exasperation. Oh right. The shower. My glasses at least shield my eyes from the spray. "Let's get out of here, first. Please tell me there's a place to rinse off by the baths."

 

"Huh? You mean, you still want to?" She asks cautiously, her eyes wide and a dopish grin on her lips. "O-Oh-!" She blinks and looks at the puddle around us, as if just then noticing where we've been sitting.

 

_Must be nice to be so oblivious._

 

"Aw-we're soaked!"

 

"Thanks for the bulletin. At least we were planning on getting in the water already..." I get to my feet using the wall as leverage. My clothes and hair are dripping an obscene amount. There's got to be at least a pond's worth of water in all my layers. I turn to Komaru and extend a hand to her. She takes it in hers and I'm uncertain whether or not it's my imagination, but she seems to pant with fatigue as she sits up. Watching as she bites her lip, now I'm sure-she's trying to hide it, but a grimace is crossing her features for some reason-

 

Her legs buckle beneath her and her shoes slip on the soaked linoleum, sending her tumbling back to the ground. If she'd been holding me more tightly I probably could've caught her, but instead I felt a strange weakness in her arms just before she let go, and in my attempts to keep her upright, I only succeeded in falling with her.

 

My palms stung as they slapped against the floor on either side of her head, catching me suspended, face to face with her. Her hair is plastered messily to her forehead and cheeks, and as the water from above pools underneath her I can feel a shiver refer through her entire body as she breathes up into mine. The droplets caught in her eyelashes bead together when she blinks up at me, and her breath is warm under my chin.

 

She's...stunning.

 

The clarity of that thought shakes me, presenting itself to me without barriers and without exaggeration, as though it were smoke rolling in slowly through a crack in the door. It's imminent and unavoidable and I've breathed it deeply with too prominent of a fear to touch the handle, to have that feeling branded in with the permanence it could have if I wait too long.

 

Whatever it is that I want, it's mounting inside me with irrefutable urgency.

 

"Sh-Shit. Sorry, Komaru-"

 

My clothes feel heavier by the second but I somehow manage to right myself and turn the water off.

 

Komaru had definitely taken the worst of that fall; when I look back at her, she's partway through sitting up, so soaked that her uniform clings to her like a second skin. The pleated skirt is twisted and stuck in the valley between her thighs, and after she takes my hand to get to her feet, I catch a glipse of her midriff as she lifts the edge of her shirt to wring out some of the water. My stare follows the curves of her waistline and then higher, coming to a halt where the drenched fabric is stretched taut over her breasts-

 

I realize my mouth is hanging open and promptly close it, but it does nothing to dispel the heat in my cheeks.

 

"Hey, Touko-You're not getting sick, are you?...Actually, I wouldn't be surprised after you sat under all that cold water."

 

"N-No, it's nothing-" I protest halfheartedly, my voice catching short when she pushes a hand under my bangs and lifts them, placing her forehead to mine. "Wh-What do you think you're doing-?!"

 

"Huh? I'm checking your temperature!" I feel her brow crinkle against mine. "-And you're really burning up, wow-"

 

"It's...your f-fault, anyways! Doing something like that so suddenly...you really are a yuri-girl through and through, aren't you?"

 

Komaru draws back, blushing so badly that the brilliant shade of red spreading out from her face reaches the tips of her ears.

 

"But...! I just do it that way because that's how Makoto would check my temperature!" Komaru whines as we leave the hotel room and start walking shoulder to shoulder down the hall.

 

"Hmph, sure. I'm starting to think the brother complex is just a ruse to cover for your lust for all this girl-on-girl skinship. I'll bet that's the real reason you haven't dated any boys yet, e-even though you've got such a nice r-rack-"

 

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. My only saving grace was that she was so devastatingly embarrassed that she didn't see the near hot flash I gave myself realizing what I'd said. She squealed like I'd never heard before and crossed her arms over her chest defensively.

 

"T-Touko! C-Come on, that's not fair! I already told you I've only ever been asked out by my friend's exes or guys old enough to be my dad! Could you say you'd wanna date someone like that-?"

 

"Fine, that's fair. So, who then?"

 

"Huh?"

 

"I'm asking what kind of guy you would want to date."

 

"O-Oh. Um...I-I dunno where to even start-" She traced her chin with a finger thoughtfully. My eyes followed the motion as she balanced it against the soft part in her lips. She was still thinking by the time we rounded the corner and headed down the stairwell. By the time we'd made it back to the baths, I'd lost patience. All that was on my mind now was getting rinsed off and into some warm water. I sat down on a bench near the showers to take off my shoes and peel my stockings off, wincing the whole way through: I was still aching from the events of the day, and on top of that, my little scuffle with Syo hadn't helped things.

 

"Here, let me?" Komaru stood over me, undoing my ribbon with careful fingers.

 

"D-Did you find towels-?" I interjected quickly.

 

"Yeah, sorry. Here you go."

 

She pulled one off the stack set on the bench and handed it to me. I set it in my lap as she undid the ribbon and grasped the edge of my shirt so she could pull it up and over my head. The moment I was clear of the fabric I clutched the towel to my chest. I wasn't sure if she had seen anything, but at the very least I wanted to keep the insides of my arms covered for as long as I possibly could. I turned around so she could reach my bra strap, wondering what I look like from the back; probably frail and sickly, with my spine sticking out like a sore thumb, all jagged and sharp in the points of my shoulder blades. Her fingers glance against my skin as she unhooks my bra and smoothes the straps down along my arms for me.

 

"A-Ah-thanks, Komaru..."

 

"Y-Yeah..."

 

Her hands cup my shoulders a moment longer than necessary, fingers tensing before she lets go.

 

"I-I can do the rest. Just a second." I pardon myself to the showers and shed my skirt and underwear so I can sit on one of the stools and rinse off with the showerhead.

 

_Great. How long has this glob of macaroni and cheese been stuck in my hair?_

 

I finished quickly and wrapped myself in the towel Komaru had found for me and went back out to meet her.

 

"Y-You didn't undress yet?" She's standing there with only her shoes off, giving me that sheepish look of hers.

 

"Y-Yeah, about that...I...I hate to ask, Touko, but-" Why wasn't she looking me in the eye? It wasn't like her to not do so. She could be shy about weird things, but there was a strange evasiveness that wasn't...usual. I've seen her blush before, but this felt different.

 

Or maybe I was seeing it differently. Maybe she hasn't changed at all, but I'm looking at her in a way I haven't before? Maybe neither of us have changed, but there's a feeling in the air now, like something could actually... _happen_ , between us-

 

When I follow that thought to its conclusion, when I think of what I want to do with Komaru-

 

-I can't look her in the eyes either.

 

"-could you help me? It...really hurts when I bend my arms. I tried, but-I'm really sorry to ask-"

 

"Huh? Did you get hurt-? Just...come here."

 

I sit her down on the bench and she gingerly lifts her arms. I pull her shirt over her head and for the first time get a good look at her skin.

 

"K-Komaru...what happened?!" Her arms are black and blue with serious-looking bruises. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought she'd been attacked.

 

"I...It's okay. When I was looking for you, I couldn't get the door open and I was really scared...so I kinda went a little overboard."

 

She'd hurt herself looking for me. She'd slammed herself against the door when it wouldn't open until it did, had paid no heed to the pain. Hadn't thought about it as she came to find me.

 

The thought is so humbling that I'm speechless. I pull her up by her elbows and switch places with her so she can't see my face.

 

"Hold my shoulders. I'm gonna get your socks off." She obeys quietly and they peel off with a damp squelch. I reach for her skirt and she draws a sharp breath, but doesn't stop me. She's standing close to me, so much so that my breath reaches her navel as my fingers rest on her hips. I feel her hands shake just a little on my bare shoulders, and it feels like my towel is slipping looser.

 

My thumbs hook into the waist of her skirt and I slide it down her legs halfway, letting it drop once it reaches her wobbling knees. I curl the backs of my fingers against her thighs, unthinking, and I hear a noise emanate from behind her tightly drawn lips that freezes my apprehensive touch immediately.

 

It sounded just like...a moan.

 

I've never heard Komaru make a sound like that.

 

If that's how she sounds when I barely touch her...how would she sound, if...

 

I terminate the line of thinking and squeeze my knees tighter together to mitigate the heat roiling in my gut at the treacherous thoughts that single sound has sparked.

 

"I...I can do the rest, Touko-" Komaru's voice comes out husky and strained for breath and I manage a tight nod, sitting motionless as she disappears around the corner to finish undressing and to shower off. My fingernails bite into my palms.

 

_I just undressed Komaru and it turned her on._

 

I'm in trouble. I know right away that I am. Nervous energy is pooling warm in my stomach and there's nothing I can do for it: Komaru and I have shared a room, shared a bed, for such a long time that getting separate ones would arouse suspicion, but even so, even if we're both girls...

 

...There were just certain things you couldn't do if another person was in the room. I wonder if Komaru would even understand. She seems like the kind of girl that only would've learned how to get herself off by humping a blanket or something-

 

_Why am I so interested in how Komaru gets herself off?_

 

I groan aloud and bury my face in my hands. What's gotten into me? I've fantasized in vivid detail about much, much worse, but when it's her, I can't keep a straight face. Eager to busy myself, I take the pile of clothes we've shed and I hang them up to dry while we're in the bath: it's about all I'm good for right now. Komaru emerges from the showers with her towel around her body, damp hair framing her glowing cheeks. She offers a meek smile, and without another word we make our way to the steaming hot water and step inside together to get comfortable.

 

It's fantastic: the cold that'd held on, bone-deep, disappeared in moments, and Komaru's blissful sigh synchronizes with mine. She tilts her head onto my shoulder and her fingers come to rest on the inside of my wrist, tracing my veins. Her breathing seems to deepen, and mine with her.

 

"I think...I think I know now. What the worst thing I've ever done is." Komaru's voice is dreamy and far-away.

 

Our fingers come to entwine together as her nose tips against my neck, breath soft on my collarbone.

 

"Yeah?" I say, "...Let's hear it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Thank you for reading the next chapter! I must especially sincerely thank those of you who left such kind comments last time, it means a lot to me! I want to apologize in advance if it feels like these are just a bunch of smaller updates: but I promise there's a reason for that. I also wanted to make sure I have something to upload each week. Thank you so much for your continued support, and I hope this chapter had some satisfying moments. More is on the way!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'd like to start by apologizing for last week's lack of update. This chapter was particularly involved and I just needed a little more time to work through it rather than give a watered-down update. I really really hope that it's worth the wait! I'd also like to forewarn there are a few mentions of more adult themes in this chapter and the ones to come, though it still hasn't quite reached the threshold for me to change the rating...yet. Also in the spirit of keeping the story to my personal standards, updates might come every two weeks as opposed to every week. I'm absolutely still gonna try for once a week, but I just wanted to give a heads up that it might be two weeks, but that's the most I'll go without an update. Thank you again for continuing to read and share your comments! Your kind words are what really give me that extra shove when I need it!

I've told Touko many things.

 

She's still here.

 

"I've..."

 

_Deep breath._

 

"...fallen in love with...someone, very close to me, and I've...been afraid they could end up suffering for it."

 

I'm tucked too closely against her to see her expression, but that could be a blessing in and of itself.

 

So long as I can stay near Touko-

 

Maybe I don't need to name aloud the secret I know we're sharing. If it would change things between us...maybe it's better not to say.

 

If our secret leaves her so afraid, I shouldn't push it. I couldn't push Touko to her limits anymore.

 

...Right?

 

"Y-You don't need to be ashamed of that. Whether or not you tell them...you've decided you'd do anything for them to be happy, even if it means holding in your f-feelings till it hurts. Heh, besides-" An uneven, thin laugh shakes her shoulders, "-if you like the type of person who enjoys suffering a little...your kind of love could be heaven on earth to them. Not knowing whether you love them back...not understanding why they just can't leave you alone...unsure of what you want while they realize they want you..."

 

I feel like there's a lump in my throat when I hear her say those words. They feel heavy when I hear them over again in my head.

 

"...If they're that type. Speaking of, you never answered my question from before. What's yours?"

 

"Oh...you mean...?" I lifted my head, trying to remember.

 

"You've got to have a type. Girls are...supposed to talk about this sort of stuff together, r-right?" She edged a thumbnail beneath her teeth and looked at me out of the corner of her eye, "Whether you want some ladykiller with lots of experience to sweep you off your feet-or if you want him to be a bumbling virgin like you?"

 

I try to ignore the way her comment makes my face burn. "I-I guess...someone dependable is most important. Not in the way that I want them to do everything for me, but like...being around them makes me want to be a better person. I can count on them to tell me the truth, even when it hurts, or is scary. If they're too 'perfect' it'd feel weird. I don't have any special talents or anything, so it's kinda intimidating trying to think of what I could possibly do to make that kind of person happy."

 

"So...you wouldn't date anyone with that kind of talent? You'd arbitrarily refuse?"

 

"N-No, I didn't mean that. I definitely didn't mean it that way. It's just...how should I put it...? I'd want to be with someone I can figure things out together with. And, I worry that even if I did meet them...and I felt sure about them from the bottom of my heart...what could I actually do for them or give them that they wouldn't be able to get or have already-?"

 

"Oh come on. You can't honestly believe that, can you?"

 

"Huh...?" I wipe at my eyes with the back of a hand sheepishly.

 

"Wh-What's with that face all of a sudden?! Talent isn't everything. You of all people should know that more than anyone. Between someone 'normal' like you and-s-someone with an ultimate talent, there's things that only you can do for them."

 

I looked up at her from under wet lashes, half-expecting there to be a punchline, but there wasn't. "You...You're serious, aren't you? But...what do you mean-?"

 

"Think about it. Right from the start, if you have that kind of talent...you're not normal. You never have a chance at normal, no matter how much you might wish for it. So...between a person like that and a person like you...you're the only thing that can actually make them feel like they belong, in a world where they're too outstanding, or weird, or d-disgusting that they can't connect to anyone else. Maybe all their life, they just wanted to feel what it was like to do normal things, or have normal friends."

 

"...Oh. I...never thought about it like that before..."

 

"So...don't talk about yourself like there's nothing worthwhile you've done, especially after all we've been through. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Did you think that just anyone could've faced what you you did? Did you think anyone could've... _changed_ someone like me the way you did? Someone who was specifically chosen to escort you to...to that brat, because they couldn't dream in a million years that I'd start to feel anything for you-?"

 

"N-No!" I cry out suddenly, my blood boiling, "They didn't choose you like that because of who you were: it was because they didn't know the first thing about you to begin with!" I can tell by her expression that I've startled her with my outburst, but in the heat of the moment I couldn't help myself. "You're not cold, or careless, or anything like that. Okay, you're prickly around new people, but...it was always because you were protecting either of us! Monaca and that weird guy-they totally misunderstood you. That's why their plan failed...even when they predicted what I would do every step of the way."

 

"D-Don't say that, Komaru-"

 

"I'm being serious! All my life I've been gullible and easy to fool, and it almost got so many people killed or hurt, just because I'm Makoto's little sister. You...you say that not anyone could've done what I did, but-but I was only able to do anything at all because you were at my side, Touko!"

 

The steam all around us made it feel like I was dreaming as I curled my fingers around her arm, hugging closer with a muted sob, my eyes starting to burn with tears. I feel something inside her forearm, a little faded ladder of raised skin that makes her flinch when I brush over it. At least no matter how stupid I am, I'm not dumb enough to ask.

 

I know enough not to tear them open again. But when I start to take my fingers away, she clamps her hand over mine tightly.

 

"You...you saved me, Touko. I don't know what would've happened if I'd broken that controller. I...I'm so simple-minded that I probably _would've_ become the next Junko or something, after being responsible for something that horrible. And...even before this mess, I was always giving up too early when things got hard. I-I've never felt this way before, T-Touko, I finally know what it means to hate how I was when I was younger...have I been so annoying all my life? Have I always been such an...an idiot-?"

 

I stop short at the sensation of a sharp sting against my cheek.

 

Touko slapped me. Dazed, I bring a hand to my cheek and blink back at her, bewildered.

 

The look in her eyes is so fierce that it's almost wild. Through her evident fury and clenched teeth, her eyes shine glossy and wet.

 

"Just because you're trusting...just because you gave other people a chance, and believed in them...that's not stupidity, that's kindness. And-I never had it in all my life, until...until I met you, Komaru!"

 

"T-Touko..."

 

"S-So...don't talk about yourself like that, and...maybe I'll try doing the same. If someone like you can approve of me...then, that's fine, I guess. I can t-trust that." Touko shifts her knees and picks at her fingernails, avoiding my eyes, but there's a hint of a smile at the corner of her lips. "B-But...you're a seriously troublesome girl, you know...?"

 

"What...?"

 

"I mean! Th-That's the second time I've had to slap someone in the face! Y-You know what's next right? I expect you to...to take r-responsibility-"

 

"H-Huh...?"

 

"C-Come on-" Touko turns her cheek towards me, grumbling under her breath, "-hit me back, or-or it'll throw everything out of balance."

 

"Wh-?! But...I don't want to hit you back," My voice wavers as relief that she isn't truly upset at me brings me to the brink of tears, "-I want you to make it better!" The words come blurting out one after another before I can stop them. I realize how troublesome I must sound, but I can't quit _shaking_ -

 

"Huh-?" Touko's back straightens like a soldier at attention, but her face denotes a completely different level of composure.

 

I know she wants me to hit her back. She's counting on me to.

 

But...

 

I just can't.

 

Why? What's wrong with me?

 

What do I want-?

 

"...Fine." Touko's fingers push a damp lock of hair behind my ear, and she cups my cheek with her other hand. Her thumb brushes near the corner of my lips, and she presses hers to the bruise on my cheek.

 

If this is what it meant for everything to go out of balance...

 

Maybe I didn't want to go back anymore.

 

Her lips part and her breath whistles quietly through her nose.

 

"...Better?"

 

"A-Ah-"

 

The question hangs heavy in what little space between us remains, weighted by the pressure of her thumb inching onto my bottom lip. My heart is pounding and it suddenly feels much harder to breathe. She pulls back, her forehead resting on mine, and my eyes seek hers before falling to the crease in her lips.

 

"...Al...most..."

 

My voice frightens me. It's hungry, hungrier than I'd ever been for freedom, for the light outside of my imprisoned life, and hoarser than the first night alone, cowering under strange bedsheets and sobbing when no one answered my screams for help, the last time I'd ever seen my parents.

 

When I look up at Touko, I'm looking through those bars again, but they're not the kind I can touch. I can't grab onto them and beg for someone to come save me, or to save Touko-

 

She's on the other side of those bars too.

 

The ones we keep imagining together to keep each other safe.

 

"Y-You do it, then." She closes her eyes, brow furrowed in irritation, a smattering of pink dusting her cheeks. "I told you I'm n-no good at this. Just-just do whatever you want with me."

 

Touko's jaw is clenched and she looks like she's holding her breath. What is she thinking about? Can I help her?

 

I put my fingers against her forehead and slowly move the wet strands of hair out of her eyes and off her face. Her shoulders scrunch like her instinct is to recoil, but she lets me. I tuck the last lock of hair neatly behind her ear and look at her. I've never seen so much of her face at one time. I can see her forehead and her cheeks and her dark, stern eyebrows.

 

My fingers trace her hair along the outside of her jaw, and it goes slack under my touch, relaxed and softened. Her eyebrows flicker minutely. They remind me of a butterfly's wings, and the faint moisture along their edges reminds me of fresh ink shimmering on paper before it dries. Her lips are bruised and raw with abuse, and all I can think to do-

 

-is to kiss them better.

 

Fighting gravity, I angle my chin under hers and close the space between our lips, my fingers fanning her shoulders, thumbs anchored into the hollows of her throat. Her lips part and mine mimic hers, my tongue weighed down by the broken moan that follows.

 

"Mmm-"

 

Touko's hands pull at the small of my back and I bend with her touch until I'm nearly collapsed against her.

 

_She's kissing me back._

 

_She's kissing me and we're both awake and knowing it, letting each other._

 

"I love you Touko-Touko, Touko-" I hiccup in the spaces between our lips parting and meeting, her name a prayer and an apology at once. I can't catch my breath, but there's no way I can keep these words from her a moment longer. "I, wanted-wanted to tell you-sooner, I should've, I'm sorry I'm so sor-" Her teeth press against my bottom lip and squeeze down, cutting me short. I whimper loudly into her mouth and clutch at her shoulders. She kisses me too deeply for there to be any mistake.

 

I'm a little scared. I've never kissed anyone but her before-and even the one time I had hadn't been like this at all. I feel warmth welling deep in my abdomen where our bodies meet that I can't recognize from anywhere but a place that I've only been alone, under the sheets at night with a blanket bunched beneath my open legs, a messy and unsatisfying try at feeling not quite so lonely, and trying to hold back just makes me want it more.

 

Maybe it's because this time, I'd wake up with the person of my dreams beside me. The loneliness wouldn't return after I was awake enough to realize how deeply I'd thrown myself into a fantasy, that I was truly completely alone.

 

Maybe I want to try again.

 

And maybe, I want to give all of my feelings, my heart, and my soul to Touko.

 

She knows what she's doing, or at the very least, she knows better than I do. The way she keeps calling me a 'virgin'...does it mean she's been with somebody before? I try to ignore the pang of guilt in my heart for feeling sad-it shouldn't matter, and it doesn't, but it's one more thing, one more way I could disappoint her-

 

"Touko-" I hear the kind of voice that had frightened me before pass my lips, brooking caution.

 

"Komaru-" She holds me closer to her and buries her face against my neck. I'm sitting halfway into her lap, my knees grazing the stone on either side of one of her pale thighs, and the air feels brisk on my bare shoulders. They ache when she grabs them so tightly, but getting to stay like this, to have her crowding me smaller and smaller into her arms makes me pay it less mind than I had when she'd locked herself in our room, when I thought she'd been in danger.

 

It hurts...but when hasn't it? I get that strange feeling again spreading from my stomach up into my chest as I feel us breathing together.

 

I really-

 

-don't know anything at all, compared to her. I don't want to hide how I'm feeling, but the truth is so embarrassing.

 

At least if I tell her...maybe we can figure it out together.

 

"I'm sorry Touko-from the bottom of my heart-" I blink back tears, staring meekly at a spot on her collarbone as her hands frame my shoulders, her fingers following my bruises, "-I just...didn't _know_ -if I could risk our friendship, when I'm already so happy getting to be by your side at all-I'm so selfish that-thinking of you with Byakuya made me more sad than happy-I don't even know the first thing about being with anyone and I still wanted you to-choose me-" My skin feels uncomfortably hot and it's not the humidity of the steam that's to blame, "-I'm...an awful friend, I'm so sorry-!"

 

She lowers her head to look down at the water's surface, but just before she does, I see her eyes scrunch closed and hear a hitch in her breath, tight and quick like the crunch of scissors opening and closing; in that space, the blades split through my heart, ripping its seam. I feel the blood drain out of my face as I listen to her start to cry and watch her tears ripple the water: was this...a mistake? Did I only hurt her with how I felt? Should I have left it alone since the first time I tried to tell her? Was this why she'd stopped me when she did? No matter what, looking at her like this makes my heart break along with her. We've been through so much together that I don't want to have been the only one that changed for it-I know that no matter how much she's struggling with her feelings, I can't forgive myself for doing this when I know how deeply she loves, shows the loyalty in her heart completely and without reservation to the few who've earned it, and I've done something unforgivable in leaving her to choose, to make a choice she'd already promised she could never and would never make.

 

"Thinking of...of myself with Byakuya..." She finally breaks the silence with a strained, defeated laugh, at no one's expense but her own, "It's...it's funny, but...thinking of that-" She lifts her head and her eyes shift back and forth, shoulders shaking.

 

"-it makes me feel more s-sad th-than happy, t-too-" Touko bites her lip again and shudders violently, "-I felt s-so- _unfaithful_ , h-h-how can I-? I didn't know, how-how I could-I thought, I thought I was a liar, I c-couldn't handle it b-because M-Master w-w-was...was. Every, thing. And, if I couldn't even h-hold onto that love-then I wondered h-how I could possibly t-trust myself to...feel for you-without sc-screwing up. The...the more I thought about it-the more I realized I felt so awful was-it wasn't because I thought I was being-unfaithful to Master. It...started to feel more like I was being-unfaithful to you. A-And maybe-I couldn't hold on to what-what I thought was there-because it wasn't...wasn't _ever_ -"

 

She starts breathing really hard; this can't be anything short of excruciating for her. I'm torn between feeling agony, watching her suffer through such a realization, and relief that she doesn't have to be alone with this anymore, that she's chosen to tell me, to stop bottling everything up.

 

Her feelings are crystal clear. I don't have to just watch her hurt anymore. I don't have to wonder what I can do. Touko is letting me be close to her, because she wants me to. I can just do my best to help. I don't have to watch, I can comfort her, care for her how I've wanted to. It's no wonder she was scared, when her feelings for someone run as deeply as they do, when she feels everything so keenly. She's the strongest person I know, but her heart is soft and wounded, and she's putting it into my hands and trusting me to take care of it, when she's lost so much already, when all that she thought she was sure of is crumbling beneath her.

 

It never once occurred to her to stop loving. Earnestly and sincerely she felt pain and love together in her heart to their bursting points, even until it hurt her.

 

Because of her, I felt that kind of love too. She touched me with that incredible feeling.

 

Because of how I feel for her, I want to protect her too. That's what I want her to feel.

 

"We're getting out." I help her up by her elbows and she snaps out of her stunned reverie, blinking at me quickly. I speak slowly and gently. "Can you get another towel from the cabinet around the corner, for each of us? I'll get our clothes so we can hang them up upstairs. I don't think they're dry enough to wear yet." I climb out of the bath and extend my hand to her, holding up my towel with the other. "Be careful getting out, okay? It's slippery."

 

"Y-Y-Yes, Komaru-" She answers right away and takes my hand, hastens to clear the step out of the bath, pulling up the front of her soaked towel with a nervous grin and going to do as I'd suggested. I'd scarcely finished gathering the clothes in my arms when she returned, arms full of towels. She'd wrapped herself in a dry one already, and stood swaying on her feet.

 

"A-Ah...that was fast..."

 

"I figured I should grab some for our hair, too. I-If you want...I can dry your hair for you when we get back-d-don't want you to catch a cold, right?"

 

"Only if I can dry yours too." I beam happily, not quite able to hide my enthusiasm. "Mine's not much to worry about. Yours is so long and pretty and dark...I've been just dying to play with it!"

 

"P-Play with it? J-Just...go easy on me. And, here-" She set the two towels for our hair aside and opened the third behind me, just under my arms. I got the message. I unwrapped my wet towel, letting it fall to the floor, and Touko's arms wrapped me tightly into the new one.

 

We carry everything upstairs together without saying a word. Our room is still a mess, and Touko ducks her head with shame as we step over torn pillows and broken furniture.

 

"L-Let me at least-get these back together-" Touko busies herself gathering the stray scraps of paper from before, and I start hanging up our clothes in the bathroom. The floor is still soaking wet, so I leave the light on for Touko before going and taking the shredded blankets off the bed. The sheets are largely untouched, and should suffice. By the time I'm done, Touko has seated herself on the edge of the bed, curled over the stack of papers she's hugging tightly to her chest.

 

"You're...not gonna throw those away, are you?" I take a towel to her hair and softly pat it dry, running my fingers through the parts that are tangled. Maybe next time we're out I should find a comb for her.

 

"N-No. I make a point of never throwing away my old writing. Even if I look back at it later and it sucks, every time I write, I do it when there's something important I'm feeling that I can't ignore. There are no exceptions. And I couldn't throw those feelings away. Especially not these ones."

 

I braid her hair in silence, peacefully threading the thick, soft strands between my fingers. There's a warmth in her words that hits home, calming me. I know she's feeling much better than before, and that's all I could want for.

 

When I'm finished, I sit back to admire my handiwork. I've never had hair much longer than my shoulders, so I'm not used to doing much to it, but I've taken in strands from either side of Touko's head and braided them together like a loose circlet from ear to ear, and left one long thin braid trailing down to her waist, with the rest of it down. She's always been beautiful, but now she looks just like a princess.

 

"Are you ready to sleep? Today's been really long. If you want we can move rooms tomorrow."

 

Touko quietly pulls open the bedside drawer and places the stack of paper inside. "Y-Yeah, we should move tomorrow. But first, come here." She motions for me to switch places with her and then sits behind me, tousling my hair with the other towel. At some point she drops the towel and massages her fingertips hard against my scalp, and I can't help but sigh. It feels like all the tension is just melting away. Her hands ease down and cup the back of my neck, and I close my eyes.

 

"Ahh, Touko...that feels so nice..." She exhales loudly behind me.

 

"Th-Thank goodness. It's my f-first time, so-so I was hoping it felt okay. I'm-I'm not really used to doing a lot of-um, touching-"

 

"Oh-Touko, you don't have to if you don't want to-"

 

"N-No, I know! I know. But it's fine. I...I want to. That's my decision-no complaints."

 

I giggle under my breath. _Same old Touko_. "Alright. Now I'm _sure_ you're not just doing it because you feel like you have to."

 

"Wh-What's that supposed to mean?!"

 

"You like me too, right?"

 

"O-Of course I l-like you!" Even without looking, I can tell her face is beet red. "H-How else could I stay with you all this time?! But, you know-" Her hands slow to a pause and her voice softens, "-I think...I think I could only say as much as I have to you...because...y-you said it first. I'm...I'm not good at saying things first. Or...even saying things at all, sometimes."

 

"...Yeah. I know what you mean." She sinks into an embrace around my shoulders and her chapped lips press gently against my pulse. "You're...so good with words though, Touko."

 

"Written, not spoken." She answers quickly. "Unless I'm talking about writing. But still. I was never really public-speaking material. Like, at all. I barely even talked while I was in school. The more I could write, the better."

 

I lifted my hands from my lap and laid them over where her arms crossed my body.

 

"Maybe you could write down what you're feeling then. Or the things that you want to say but can't yet."

 

"H-Huh...?"

 

"You can take all the time that you need. Someone who really cares about you will wait for those words no matter how long it takes. I'm completely sure of that."

 

"Komaru..."

 

"Don't worry about it. You don't have to say anything you're not ready to say."

 

We switch off the light, crack the bathroom door open, and Touko sets her glasses on the bedside table. We lay down in bed, side by side, face to face: I prop my cheek on my arm and when I leave my other hand idle between us, it isn't empty for long.

 

We talked long into the night. I talk to her about my friendship with Chieko, about my parents, about Makoto, and how relieved I am to share a bed with someone who isn't going to wet it. She laughs and tells me about her mothers: says she doesn't have many nice memories to share, but shares what little there were anyway. Little things like feeling a pen gliding over paper, how it grew into a feeling of elation when she managed to write her first story from start to finish. How in the beginning, she loved everything she wrote, before she learned to be critical of it. How it finally helped her mend the heartache and cruelty she endured each day. I can tell that it's hard for her, but that she's trying means everything to me, that I can be right here for her while she works it out.

 

"Syo's a much better talker than I am." Touko says after a long silence, as we both begin to get drowsy. "Maybe...maybe she can help me out a little. Can you just...bear with me? I-In the meantime, is...is it okay-?"

 

"Yeah, Touko. It's okay."

 

"...Thank you, Komaru."

 

She falls asleep in moments, and this time, I don't lack the courage to kiss her goodnight.


	11. Chapter 11

Since beginning to travel with Komaru, we'd shared a bed each night. To start, it had strictly been out of either necessity or convenience.

 

Somewhere along the way, it became less of a practical choice and more of a personal one.

 

Somewhere along the way, it started to matter a lot more than it used to.

 

I feel my eyes slowly adjust to the light, to the sight of her in front of me. Her eyelashes look heavy on her cheeks. A lock of hair curls into the space made by the soundless part in her lips, and flutters lazily with each breath, slow and soft. My hand is still clasped in hers; her fingers relaxed in mine.

 

Has she always slept so deeply? She's usually up at an ungodly hour, the crack of dawn most days, so it isn't often that I get to see her like this.

 

Now that I've thought about it so much, I'm starting to worry: she must be sleeping in pretty late if I'm awake and she isn't. It's happened a few times, but it's happened more times in the last week alone than it has in the past three months altogether.

 

She's not-starting to get sick, is she? I frown as I uncurl my fingers from hers, ghosting them over her lips as I push the stray hair behind her ear, and rest the back of my hand against her cheek. Her skin is hot to the touch.

 

"Jeez-!" I hiss under my breath, "- _idiot_ , you're burning up-" I grumble more to myself than to her-not that she was even awake to hear me. A shiver passes through her, reaching even her lips as she murmurs nonsense in her sleep, nuzzling blindly into my hand.

 

I sit up slowly, careful not to disturb her-much more careful than I need to be, in all honesty, she's completely out cold-and glance at her shoulder. The bruising has faded a little from last night, but it's still a blurred hue of yellow and purple that I can't help but wince when I look at it knowing I'm responsible. Beyond that, I can't look at her like this without feeling a baseline instinct to take care of her: it's different than when we first met, when she couldn't do anything herself without being coached, when she needed to be dragged to her feet to find her will to survive, when I was only doing it because I was using her.

 

It's different now. It'll never ever be that way again. Not when I'd done what I did and she'd still seen something in me worth believing in. She'd believed in me so completely that I'd started to trust it. She held onto her feelings for such a long time, but even those-

 

Komaru had trusted me with not only her life, but her heart as well. I could never forget that. I'm bound to her deeply, out of her trust to share-something like that, with me-

 

She loved me. She told me she loves me.

 

She'd kissed me like the world was ending, and when I'd reciprocated she'd kissed me like it was beginning instead-her joy heartfelt and unconcealed as my mouth had slanted deep against hers, against the mouth of another _girl_ , against the mouth of my first friend, soft and unsure and slow and so sweet that my heart drowned with longing deep into my chest.

 

My memory of the previous night seems to swell up in my heart, and when I look at her, I don't know how to begin to sort out my feelings, but needing to care for her provides a much needed distraction from my thoughts and I start to consider what I'll need for her.

 

Right. I'll need to get dressed, first thing. Then get some ice for her arm to help with the swelling. Then a cold cloth for her forehead to help break the fever. Sleeping should help her heal faster, so I won't wake her up yet-

 

I feel a little bit like-

 

-Like I'm her wife.

 

_She loves me._

 

I bite my lip to stifle a low, droning, protracted giggle, take my glasses off the table, and nearly trip over my own feet rounding the corner into the bathroom.

 

I take down my uniform, minding the puddles as I clothe myself, and gather what I need: a cold compress out of the freezer, two small towels, and a bottle of water. I navigate the mess littering our hotel room and ease back down onto the edge of the bed closest to her. She's rolled onto her stomach with a restless little sigh in the time I've been up and away, and she looks so vulnerable that I feel the words I haven't said yet pressing up from under my tongue and crowding my throat.

 

I want to do for her what she's proven she would do for me, to fulfill the promise we made to one another.

 

_"If you can't do something on your own...all I have to do is help you. If I can't do something on my own...all you have to do is help me."_

 

I'd embraced Komaru with those words on my lips. We'd promised that to each other.

 

Komaru never went back on her word: she'd reached my heart and given me hers, gave words to what she felt for me when I'd struggled, when I couldn't even vocalize what I felt in return.

 

I-

 

-need to _write_.

 

It's been too long. It's been far, far too long.

 

I can't keep blaming it on lack of opportunity. Even between working to suppress the riots and mitigating the escalation of a war, it hasn't been absent. Not exactly.

 

The truth is that writing is a painfully solitary activity, and I've been spending all of the time we have leftover with Komaru instead. She's so inherently distracting that even if she were asleep or completely quiet, even being in the same room with her would be enough to sway my attention.

 

Am I avoiding it because I've always written from what I was feeling, for what I was longing for? I don't know how to put my experiences with Komaru into words. She's the first person I've ever felt this way with. I'm not nearly as well-acquainted with happiness as I am with disappointment. At my lowest points I'd piece together a fantasy, vivid and ideal, but the closer I come to it in reality, the more I realize how out of touch I am with the idea of existing peacefully with myself. Writing is all I know. It's the only way I've ever been able to share how I feel in a way that others found meaningful or worthy.

 

(A notebook could carry my whole heart. I can write until the letters fill the margins, until the ink curls the paper. I can hold it to my chest in the dark and run my fingertips over the grooves made by the words, stain my fingers with the ink that isn't dry yet.)

 

I fold one of the towels around the compress and wrap it around her right arm so it'll stay in place against her, then dampen the other with the water out of the bottle. As I rest my hand on the back of her neck, the heat coming off of her skin worries me-I had thought to simply fold the rag over her shoulders, but it might do her more good to be toweled down...

 

My hands move automatically as the idea occurs to me-I don't pause to dwell on it any further once determining that it could help Komaru. But once I drape the bedsheet over her hips and peel the towel away from her skin-

 

-I stare.

 

(I want to trace my fingers along the planes of her shoulders, down into each divot of her spine, then smooth my palm into the dip in her back, feel it arch under my touch, hear her sweet voice saying my name, that she loves me, loves me, loves me. I could hear those words again and again, anywhere she wants to say them. Into my lips, from her tongue's cradle spoken around mine, then sighed into my hair as she winds lazy fingers through it. Her backside is immaculately smooth and unblemished, and I want to bleed ink against its bright surface. I want to carve the words I haven't spoken yet into my skin, to strike the vein withholding those feelings with the tip of a fountain pen and let them bleed onto her back as I embrace her, letting die the old self that couldn't speak a word to her in her arms and being born anew.)

 

I'm scared of it hurting when I manage to tell her. Like always.

 

But at least if it did I could know what to expect.

 

If she protects me and cares for me so diligently-tells me that I can take my time and wait-

 

I'm much, much more afraid of it not hurting. Of feeling nothing at all like how love is meant to be. Shouldn't it be fraught and tragic? I don't know how to handle it. I couldn't rely on anyone my whole life and now-

 

-I trust her much more than I trust myself.

 

Can I let myself put my faith in her, then? I can let her help me, show me the way-

 

-while I figure out how to bridge this... _disconnect_ that's keeping me from telling her how important she is to me?

 

I lay a careful hand between her shoulder blades, passing my fingertips underneath one to the other before I press a chaste kiss to the back of her neck.

 

_I'm sorry, Komaru. Wait just a little longer for me-_

 

"Hwah-!" Komaru's nose scrunched up and I jolted back, "-choo!" Her eyes blinked open blearily. "H-Huh...? Touko? I thought I heard my...my..." Before she could finish, she sneezed again, sniffling miserably, "...my name-"

 

"N-No one said your name!...A-And cover your nose next-"

 

"Hwah-choo!"

 

"-time." To her credit she'd managed to catch it in time, albeit with the corner of the sheet. Her eyes were puffy and red and she kept sniffling on top of that. "Three sneezes, right in a row, huh? Th-Then...you really are getting sick. Are you hungry? I can-I can make you something. Stay there-"

 

"Huh? You don't have to-I can help-" She starts to sit up and the sheet starts sliding down her chest-

 

"W-W-Wait! D-Don't get up-!" I wave my arms, squeeze my eyes shut, and rush forward, grabbing her shoulders-

 

- _Just_ in time. I slam her down hard. She squeaks and draws the sheet up under her chin.

 

"Eek-! Sorry-! I'll...I'll get my clothes...and..." Komaru trails off, staring up at me, and we're both silent. She swallows audibly and her mouth hangs open partway, "...a-and..."

 

(The longer I stare at her mouth, the longer it feels as though I'm struggling to resist a magnet's pull. Wanting to bridge the space feels as natural as closing my eyes, as feeling the weight of my body sink towards hers until they meet.)

 

The Future Foundation laptop at our bedside illuminates with its telltale chime, and I suck in a sharp breath before launching off of Komaru to answer it, at once so angry and grateful for the distraction that I don't even stop to consider Komaru's state of undress before slamming the terminal's keys with my fingers and answering the call.

 

"F-Fukawa speaking-" I sigh loudly, positioning myself in front of Komaru.

 

"Oh! Hiya, Touko!"

 

Asahina's face appears on the screen after a moment, and she waves cheerfully.

 

"O-Oh, it's you."

 

It occurs to me right this minute that I haven't told her about Yuta's passing.

 

_Shit._

 

"Is Komaru there? I heard you and Makoto's little sister are working together! I'm so curious, I haven't seen her yet! Is she cute? She's with you, right?"

 

"Jeez-one at a time, woman! Yes! She's here, we're working together, she's cute, and she's with me-"

 

I freeze. I don't dare look back at Komaru. Asahina shrieks and claps her hands together with delight. I ardently wish for the floor to open up beneath me and swallow me whole.

 

"W-Woah, Touko! You two must be really, really close for you to say something so nice about her right off the bat! I'm super glad you made such a good friend! So, um, where is she? I wanna introduce myself!"

 

"H-Hi! I'm, uhm...back here, gimme a sec!" Komaru bolts out of bed before I can stop her with the sheet tangled around her body and hanging low at her back. Aoi tilts from side to side on the monitor like she's trying to peek around me. _Idiot. That can't work when I'm not actually in front of you._

 

"Hi, Komaru! Wait, was she-" I cringe, expecting the worst, "-ohh. Oh! Is she a fan of towel treatments too-?!"

 

"Wh-What?! N-No! She's got a fever, if y-you must know. A-Anyway, did you have a reason for calling? D-Don't tell me this is a social call-"

 

"Ah, yeah." She balls a fist and claps it into her hand like she's suddenly remembered something important. "Our contact supervising the adult resistance reports that things are getting more...restless on their side of town. Without a purpose, they're...trying to find one. They're talking about moving to another area and regrouping, and...it sounds like they want to take out whatever is in the way while they do. It doesn't seem like they're in any shape to move anytime soon: according to Hiroko, they're still packing up. But just to be safe..."

 

"I get it. You want us to clear the kids out of the area before the adults decide to do it for us. We'll get on it as soon as Komaru's feeling better, then."

 

"What?...No-" Komaru comes out from around the corner, straightening the bow on her uniform, "-I'll be fine. What matters is getting those kids to safety as fast as possible-"

 

"Y-You're not going to get much done in your condition," I cut in, "The day is already late, and we've got to move rooms anyway-"

 

"Ah, um-" Aoi waves a hand apologetically, and for once I'm grateful: Komaru looked like she was about to argue. "-I was meaning to talk to you about that too. I have maps and stuff I was gonna send your way of the route the adults are planning to take over the next few days and it kinda looks like they'll end up in your front yard when they manage to get going."

 

"Great. S-So on top of that we have to move and find a new place? But-we have some time, r-right?"

 

"Then we should get started as soon as possible." Komaru is pulling on her shoes already and I feel my anxiety mount another octave.

 

_She's going to push herself too hard, trying to be the hero._

 

_I'm only so sure of it because that's exactly what I love about her._

 

"I'll leave it up to you guys then! Oh! Before you guys take off, I have something to show you!"

 

Komaru and I watch as she tilts the camera and moves out of the way. There's a lot of movement behind where Asahina had been sitting, and all of a sudden six small figures come into view.

 

A strange feeling comes over me as I see them waving through the screen. Even though they all wear the same helmets as before, I feel like I'd recognize them no matter what.

 

And in my heart, right as I see them-

 

_Our kids._

 

-Komaru is beside me, hugging onto one of my arms and bubbling over with joy as she waves back.

 

"They put me in charge of repurposing this gym and making it livable for the kids you rescue and send here. It's not a permanent solution, but...they're safe, and they have plenty of space to run around, and they can all stay together. The surgeons come to check on them every few hours just to make sure everything's...everything's okay." She smiles and holds up a piece of paper covered in bright crayon. "They really like to draw. Look! These two figures...don't they kind of look like you guys?"

 

Any other time I'd be insulted by the insinuation that we resemble those scribbles, but when I look at what is undoubtedly meant to be Komaru and I standing underneath an umbrella together, I feel like the miasmatic feeling that constantly enveloped my heart for so long runs a little thinner than it once did.

 

"Yeah. They do. G-Go ahead and send us the route the adults are planning to take. We'll call you once we're all moved. If it's not too much trouble...see if Hiroko can stall them just a little. And...thanks-" I stop and think for a moment, accounting for Komaru's presence, "-Aoi."

 

"Huh? 'Aoi'? Did you actually call me by my first name?" She looks a little too happy. "I'm surprised, Touko! You never even called me 'Asahina' before, let alone my first name-"

 

The moment she says her last name I glance over at Komaru and feel a pit in my stomach when I see her putting two and two together, some realization slowly dawning on her.

 

"D-Don't let it go to your head! It probably won't happen again!" I quickly hang up the call and put my head in my hands. _That was way, way too close._

 

"Touko...?"

 

I look over at Komaru, my eyes weak and tired.

 

"I...haven't told her yet."

 

Komaru stares blankly at me for a moment before drawing in a wounded breath, her eyes misting over instantly. "Yuta..."

 

"...Yeah. I'm not the greatest at...telling people stuff." The irony of this situation is exquisite. "I think about doing it but...b-but then I get scared thinking about their emotions after getting that much done-"

 

Komaru wordlessly wraps her arms around me, tight and reassuring around my shoulders. I close my eyes and hesitantly return the embrace.

 

"I'm sorry," She says finally, and I know she means it, "You're... _amazing_ though, Touko. Just...if you need help, let me know. You don't have to take responsibility for that secret on your own. I could tell her, or...or we could ask Makoto to-"

 

"N-No...I should do it. I can't always avoid saying the things I'm afraid to say. It's not..." I look up at her from under the rim of my fogging glasses, "...not fair. I can't just pass it off to someone else."

 

_(Especially not to you. Not any more than I already have.)_

 

Komaru hugs me tighter. "I understand."

 

_(...I know.)_

 

"There's no harm in asking for help though. I'd...I'd do anything for you, Touko."

 

The words choke a little more darkness out of my lungs. I squeeze my wrist behind her back and inhale.

 

"...I'll remember that."

 

_(For the rest of my life and until the end of time.)_

 

"It'll work out somehow. In the meantime, let's just help how we can-"

 

Reluctantly, I muster the will to part from the embrace, resting my hands on her shoulders. "We're not going to do anything too intensive today. Not with your fever."

 

"But-"

 

"The day is more than half over as it is. There's not a lot of daylight left, and it's dangerous enough for the two of us to navigate the city in the dark, let alone when we're bringing children with us. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself if anything happened to them on our watch, and neither would I."

 

Komaru nods solemnly. "You're...you're right. I'm...sorry, Touko, I should've...I just got worried and really wanted to help."

 

"I know. I don't like it either, but...let's just focus on what we can do in the meantime. We've gotta move rooms anyway-let's move one floor down, so it'll be that much easier next time we have to change locations, since that figurative clock is already ticking."

 

"Yeah. That sounds good."

 

We don't have much that needs moving: just some clothes, a backpack full of food, and the books we'd been exchanging. We carry the laptop with us as we go back and forth-it's much too important to leave behind, even temporarily- and I keep an eye on Komaru as we make all of our trips up and down the stairs and over collapsed parts of the hallways. There's still a smile on her face, but I've known her long enough to know when she's winded. Not only is she breathing hard, but she's favoring her non-dominant arm.

 

Getting moved into another room does ease my anxiety: while I'm a creature of habit, the fact that nothing is broken or shredded or flooded or blocking pathways is a huge plus. Everything is unpacked in its own place. Her manga and my novels lay together on the bedspread. It feels more like a home than anything I've had before, even knowing it'll only stay like this another few days at the most.

 

"Ready to go out?" Komaru wipes her brow on her forearm and bounces on her ankles near the doorway. I glance her over and raise an eyebrow incredulously.

 

"...No."

 

Before the can protest, I grab the hoodie I found for her last time out of our modest pile of laundry and throw it around her shoulders. "Arms in," I instruct her, "I'm not having you catch your death out there." I tug the zipper up-it has some trouble traversing her chest-but I manage to get it under her chin with a little bit of diligence.

 

"Aww, Touko-" Spots of color rise to the surface of her cheeks and she loops her arm with mine, her hand sliding down until our palms meet. Her fingers nestle themselves comfortably into mine and the sensation makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on end. "-You'll keep me warm too, right?" She leans forward conspiratorially and I feel my face heat another few degrees.

 

"...Because I'm _cute_ -?"

 

I groan and push her shoulder with my free hand to lead her out the door, but I don't let go of her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter came a few hours late! I hope it's worth it. Also, last week's episode of Mirai-Hen gave me LIFE, it's episode 7, if you haven't seen it yet and you're a toukomaru/syomaru fan...like...wow. It's GOOD. I was so so overjoyed! I've been trying to be better about replying to comments-I do read them all and love them all and you guys are what power me through! Thanks so much for your continued interest in the story!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to preface this with an apology for it being a little bit late: but also to point out that the rating has finally changed. This chapter needed a little extra heart and soul so I appreciate your patience! Also as a bit of a heads-up, the next chapter might come a little later than usual: Spirit of Justice comes out in two days and I'm a huge Ace Attorney fan, so I'm hoping this chapter scratches the itch for a little while while I lose myself to the game a bit, ahaha. Once more, thank you for all your kind comments and praise, it means the absolute world to me! Please enjoy the chapter!

Touko and I end up wandering the nearby shopping district, huddled arm in arm to ward off the encroaching chill. A light fog wraps the empty streets and buildings in a gloomy veil. For the most part, she decides our path, and I'm better for it: as much as I hate to give in, my head feels like it's pounding too hard to make any decisions with.

 

"S-Since we can't do anything too strenuous until your fever is better, the next best thing we can do is work on getting you well again...Are you sure you're not too cold in that? You've been h-holding onto my arm so tightly that I'm l-losing circulation-"

 

"S-Sorry. But I'm okay, I promise-"

 

"Th-Then what's the big idea-?!" Touko exclaims, seemingly in an outrage.

 

"Wh-What do you mean?" I honestly don't know what I could've done to upset her. If I weren't feeling so out of it I probably wouldn't be so bothered but I feel like I'm on pins and needles.

 

"-Oh, I get it-" The dour curve of her bottom lip draws my eye as she slowly curls it under her teeth, and the way she's looking at me sends a shiver down my spine, "-y-you just want to sh-shove my arm into your chest because th-that way you can leave me no choice but to acknowledge how much bigger and squishier your boobs are than mine-!"

 

"What?!...N-No! That's not it at all! T-Touko, you're out of control, jeez-" I huff, my frustration mounting at a faster rate than usual, no thanks to the pain behind my forehead.

 

"Then-put me in my place." Her eyes lock with mine, glittering playfully, but there's something more clouding her gaze, "Set me straight. Y-You say you aren't squeezing up on me to make me feel how well you've f-filled out? Then prove it-"

 

I stop on a dime, my cheeks inflating with a pout as I grab her wrists, my idea only partially formed in my mind. A flicker of apprehension wipes away her smirk in an instant.

 

"H-H-Hey, what are y-you-?"

 

"If I'd really been doing that in the first place-" I tug her closer and she squeaks, startled, "-I would've just done _this_!"

 

I fan my fingers over the back of hers and plant her hands directly onto my chest. Her eyes bulge with incredulous disbelief as her entire face goes red.

 

"G-Gyaaah! K-Komaru!" Touko sputters, her fingers curling against the fabric of my hoodie, "Wh-What the hell-?!"

 

"You started it! All I wanted to do was hold your hand, I promise I wasn't trying to do anything sneaky-" I'm starting to blush pretty badly by now too, but I'm too determined to back down.

 

"Th-Then what do you call this? G-God-y-you're so painfully...honest!"

 

"Wha-?!" A tepid whimper keens from my throat; of all the things she might have had issue with, I hadn't been expecting that. "You make it sound like a bad thing!"

 

"I-It is when you're so damn...innocent! And-and I'm-" She's avoiding eye contact at all costs. "-If you had any idea, the kinds of things I've-n-no, y-you-you just-" It's been a while since she's stuttered so badly around me. Finally, she meets my eyes, lips trembling, eyes hooded. Her voice is low and rough and it makes my heart pound harder into her palms. "-You don't know how-how hard it is to keep-keep from-" She squeezes her eyes shut and in one unsteady motion draws her hands away from my chest, sucking in a breath of air. "Jeez-doing something like that so-so easily-what exactly were you trying to prove, anyway?"

 

She sounds slightly more confident now that her hands are clasped firmly over her chest once more. I don't have an answer for her. She turns her head like she's not looking at me, but I can tell she's keeping me in her peripheral vision.

 

"Y-You can't be so reckless or-or someone might-might hurt you-"

 

Touko's voice shakes as she forces the words out, and her thumbnail clicks loudly under her teeth as she puts more pressure on it. I realize at once how much affection is nested in the sentiment, and it means the world to me that she'd try so hard just to tell me honestly.

 

"Not if it's the right person...right?"

 

"E-E-Even then-! Even if someone means well-you never know when you can uncover old wounds, or face something you're not ready for-"

 

"Then I'll tell you if I'm not ready for something." Touko is stunned into silence, her lips parted, thumb poised halfway towards them. "And...you'll tell me if I hurt you. I'll do anything to avoid it, but...if I mess up...I'll do whatever it takes to make it hurt less. But...I guess what I'm saying is, I trust you, Touko."

 

Without looking at me, she grasps around for my hand and clutches it tightly in hers once she grabs ahold of it.

 

"...Me too. C-Come on already, let's go."

 

I squeeze her hand in return and follow her lead. She moves us at a brisk pace, taking point and diligently peeking around every corner before we cross each road. We make it to a clothing store in not much time and I raise an eyebrow as she tugs me inside.

 

"We delivered clothes last time though, Touko-" I start to say, but she's already forging ahead.

 

"It's not a delivery, it's for you-did you think I was kidding when I said you needed to dress more warmly?"

 

"...Kinda, yeah."

 

"W-Well you were wrong! Now here, try these on."

 

She loads an olive green knitted cardigan, a pair of long woolen socks the same color, and a looped, plum-colored scarf into my arms.

 

"B-But don't I already have the hoodie-?"

 

"You need at least another layer. Just put it on. B-Besides, it-" She fidgets and pretends to look through another rack of clothes, "-it brings out your eyes."

 

Her comment births a warm and fuzzy feeling in my chest. I unzip the hoodie and put everything else on. The socks come up much higher than my other ones-up to the middle of my thighs-and the cardigan buttons up neatly under the bow of my uniform, fitting me like a glove. The scarf isn't too long or impractical-a short loop that warms my shoulders with no excess hanging fabric-Touko lays it comfortably around my neck, fussing under her breath.

 

"Th-There. You should be a lot warmer now-but maybe some gloves too, just to be safe..."

 

"What about you, Touko?"

 

"...What about me? D-Don't get any ideas, we're not here to play dress-up-"

 

"You don't wanna wear something new?"

 

"N-Not at all. I wore the same thing every day even before this crisis just so I wouldn't have to think about what to wear when I could be writing instead."

 

Her devotion awes me. I think that's one of my favorite things about Touko: when she loves anything, she does it with all her heart and in any way that she knows how.

 

"I understand, but...your clothes have been torn up for a while now, right? Aren't you going to get cold when the weather turns too?"

 

"They have. But there's not much I can do about that. I'm not the one who gets it torn up. I'm not the one waving scissors around all the time."

 

"Ohh...Syo does it?"

 

"Y-Yeah. She can't help herself. E-Especially when-" Touko fidgets uncomfortably, "-I made her stop cutting other things. If she needs to-to do it to feel like she can forgo..." Her eyes are getting puffy, and she drops a hand over her left thigh, trailing off. My eyes follow it, glimpsing the red marks carved underneath. I swallow the lump in my throat. I'd always wondered, but never asked.

 

She's been so strong for longer than I can possibly imagine. I look to the side and see another scarf, forest green in color, in a similar style to mine, and wordlessly pick it up and wrap it around her.

 

"H-Huh? Wh-What are you doing, Komaru-?"

 

"If it means that much to you, you shouldn't change it. Or, I mean, you can when you want to, if you ever do. But for the meantime, it shouldn't be too much trouble if I give you this, right?"

 

"I...I guess so." Touko mumbles into her scarf, a sulky blush coloring her face. The way the fabric lays around the back of her long hair is really cute, too. "We shouldn't be out here too long though. Pick some gloves and let's go back for the night." She turns around to watch the door, petting at the scarf absently with her hands. I don't argue. I had doubted that I would get tired so quickly, but she's right: my legs feel like jelly and I feel like I'm fighting sleep with my whole body. I glance through the gloves that are left and come to a decision.

 

"Alright, I'm all set." I tie the hoodie around my waist and get the hacking gun ready again.

 

"...Fingerless gloves? I...guess that's smart. You need to be able to use your gun effectively and-" She squeaks as I take her hand.

 

"-And hold your hand better." I grin cheekily as she groans before pouting myself. "Well, I can't kiss you anymore until I'm not sick, right-?"

 

"L-Let's just go!"

 

We leave together with our matching scarves, fingers clasped, and we walk the empty streets once again.

 

"Hey, Touko...do you ever think about...like if we would've ever been friends if we met before all this?"

 

"Wh-Where'd that come from all of a sudden?"

 

"I was just thinking how nice it would've been to go out for coffee with you or something. You could bring your writing to work on, and I could read my manga..."

 

"...Tea."

 

"Hm?"

 

"I...I prefer tea. And I don't know if I could write the way I'd want to if I'm around a lot of people-"

 

"Then, maybe...you would leave it at home. Maybe you'd have just needed to get out of the house for a breath of fresh air, and so I'd come to meet you halfway and we'd walk there together."

 

"Yeah. Maybe you would." We were quiet for a short while, but I feel her hand hold mine a little more tightly. "...What next?" She asks eventually.

 

"Huh?"

 

"I...never went out for fun before. I don't know what it's like. It was always...safer inside."

 

"Then...next we'd leave and go for a walk. Maybe it'd be almost fall, like it is now. Just a little bit cold but not too much, and maybe people would be baking something or burning firewood and it'd smell nice as we walked by...and you'd tell me about how hard you're working on your next novel..."

 

"Hm..." Her voice is thoughtful and far away, but she sounds happy.

 

I glance across the street and see a playground: the slide is broken and the monkey bars don't look much better, but by some miracle there are two swings still intact. I feel like I've gone back in time ten years just laying eyes upon it.

 

"Gosh, it's been ages since I've been on a swing..." I muse aloud, turning hopefully to Touko, "Hey, Touko-?"

 

"Fine, we can go. Just for a little bit though." At my shocked expression she ducks her mouth behind the scarf to hide her grin. "What? I know if I say no you're just gonna pout the whole way back."

 

We head over and glance around to make sure there's nothing lurking around the corners, and each take a seat in the swings. I start swaying forwards and back as Touko gently rocks herself by nudging the toe of her shoe against the ground.

 

"...What else?" Her voice startles me. "What else do you think...we would've done if we'd met? Are you so sure we even would've?...You _had_ friends, Komaru."

 

"...You think I wouldn't have wanted to be your friend?"

 

"...Why would you have? I couldn't have gotten along with all those people, or...or Chieko."

 

Her name sticks hard into my heart like a poison arrow. I want to ask what makes her so sure of that, but I know more than anyone how hard Touko had to fight against her own instincts to place her trust in me. I know who Touko is because she chose to tell me. She needs to know someone as an individual as carefully as she can, and at her own pace, because she's used to people hurting her. I can't ask her that question without discrediting all of the effort she's put into opening up to me by saying she should have just done the same with a group full of strangers.

 

"If you couldn't get along with any of my other friends, we wouldn't have had to go with them. It could be just you and me. I'd see them when you're busy writing, or when you would rather be alone. But if you needed me..." I lean my head against one of the swing's ropes. "...Isn't it sad to think about that sort of thing? I don't want to imagine going through life not knowing you or being with you or-or loving you." We aren't looking at each other. "If you needed me...I like to think that I would've come for you then, too."

 

It isn't like her to start thinking about things that couldn't be changed: especially when it's about something that turned out for the better.

 

I know neither of us can call the circumstances of our growing so close 'fortunate' for anyone besides ourselves. If it's fate, then it's a cruel one, without question, but I can't help but feel indebted to every chance factor that brought us to one another. I can't think about it as though we've done anything wrong: there's nothing wrong about joining together and fighting back and feeling the way we do for each other.

 

It's more complicated for Touko though. I can feel it in the air between us. She's been holding back but she can't for much longer and she feels guilty and it hurts her.

 

"...I'd like to think so too."

 

She sniffs.

 

"Is it...strange to think about me as I would be then as opposed to now? Or...your feelings, I mean...?"

 

"...A little."

 

I don't want to push her. Just as I resign to find another topic, she speaks up again.

 

"It's just...strange to know someone who feels the same way I do about anything, let alone...the same things. After the hell my mothers put me through I...didn't know that I could ever find myself. In the beginning, they each wanted me to have been theirs, but as time went on it became more that they'd wanted the other's child to die. There wasn't any love remaining for me when all their energy was devoted to-to trying to make me more like them. They each wanted me to take after them, to follow their ideals, to 'prove' whose child I really was-all because they were too cowardly for a blood test, because they would rather risk having stolen me in their preferred ignorance than lose me for real, but it wasn't even for my sake. It never was. I couldn't please either of them no matter how hard I tried or how thin I was stretched. No one wanted me."

 

She slows down on her swing and comes trailing to a stop. I get up out of mine and stand behind her, place my hands over hers, and start to rock her forward again. Touko clutches on tightly and sniffs again.

 

"N-Not too high!"

 

"I won't, I promise! I didn't think I'd scare you so bad, sorry-"

 

"I-I've never been pushed on a swing before, how was I supposed to know?!" Her voice is clipped and sharp but I can tell she's starting to feel a little better. "Y-You probably had Makoto to push you on the swings all you wanted, didn't you-?!"

 

"Yup. But I never got to do this yet-!" I carefully hoist myself up so my feet are on either side of her hips, and I'm standing behind her as we swing forward.

 

"Gyaaaah-! Komaru, be careful-!"

 

"Woo-hoo!"

 

"S-Slow down-! You're gonna launch us off!"

 

"Okay okay-"

 

I slow us down and Touko is first to break the silence.

 

"I guess that's...the other reason Syo was born. To be another me. No one loved her either. The only difference is that she didn't care. At least, that's what I thought before...before I met you. I've been...seeing more of what she sees when she's with you lately. I don't think it's a coincidence. I...I don't feel like what her and I w-want are...all that different anymore. I don't hate that me the way I used to because of the feelings we've started to share. But-I want you to promise me that you'll stop her from doing anything you don't want to, too. I've already tried not to let her around you as it is, and m-maybe that's mostly more me being selfish than thinking she could actually hurt you-but just to be safe-"

 

"I promise, Touko. It's okay."

 

"G-Good."

 

"Hey, Touko?...I'm glad we can talk like this."

 

"...Y-Yeah, me too. Don't go making it all weird though-I've already given you enough tragic exposition to get you through the next year, so that'll have to sustain your curiosity for a while."

 

"Fair enough. Hey, you know what we were talking about before?"

 

"Things we wish we could've done before the world went to shit? Yeah, why?"

 

"Well...is there anything in particular you'd wanted to do?"

 

"Sure. But most of the stuff I wanted to do I wrote about in a novel or something, to live out the fantasy-"

 

"It still counts! Pick something and tell me about it!"

 

"W-W-Well then...how about kissing in an alleyway? It's your first day at a new job that you hate...everything went wrong, and you're sure they're going to fire you-"

 

"What kind of fantasy is this-?"

 

"D-Don't interrupt the world-building portion!"

 

"Okay, I'm listening."

 

"-Anyway. It's the one day out you've forgotten your umbrella and the only day it's rained in weeks. You're soaked to the bone, cold, and miserable, and your shoes just got a hole in them, so they're filled with so much water that you can hear it squeezing out of your socks with every step. You miss the bus. It's getting dark out. You're trying not to cry in front of everyone passing you by but you feel like everyone is staring at you because you forgot your umbrella. You feel like an idiot. And then, the rain stops falling on you. You wipe your eyes and look up, and the person you've had feelings for is there at your side, holding an umbrella for you. When they see you've been crying, they take you to the side and into an alley, and they take out a handkerchief and dry your tears with it, asking you what happened and why you're all alone. You tell them you don't know. That you don't know anything."

 

We sway quietly on the swing and I stare into the distance, feeling more keenly the rush of wind against my cheeks, the scent of rust and old plastic from the decaying playground. Her voice seems to evoke an awareness of the senses in me that I hadn't known before.

 

"Then what...?"

 

"I don't know. I still need to write the rest. I don't even know if I want to, that one wasn't so good or unique on its own."

 

"What, really? You're going to end it there?"

 

"Not even that. Leaving something isn't the same as ending it. That goes for the real world too."

 

Something wet drips onto my cheek. Touko holds her hand out; she felt it too.

 

"We should get going." Touko says, and as she stands up off the swing, I feel dizzy for a moment and almost lose my balance. She catches my forearms as I sway forward and puts her hand on my cheek; it feels so good and cold on my skin that I sigh aloud. "I knew you were going to tire yourself out. Hopefully you'll sleep well when we get back."

 

The walk back feels longer than it was when we set out in the afternoon, and I flop down on the bed after we block the door, utterly spent. My limbs feel fuzzy and tingly as Touko drops a blanket over me, and sleep comes nearly immediately.

 

...

 

It's the dead of night when I wake again. There's a faint scratching sound not far away, and rain patters against the window. The lights near the bed are off, but as my eyes slowly focus themselves, I see Touko slumped over her desk. My scarf is draped over the back of her chair. The scratching sound stops as I yawn and she turns to look over her shoulder at me.

 

"Touko?...What are you still doing up?"

 

"Writing. You should get back to sleep."

 

Her voice is unusually firm. I must've caught her at a really crucial moment. I rub my eyes on the back of my sleeve. It feels weird to go to bed with all these layers on, and the spot beside me where Touko usually sleeps feels cold without her there.

 

"What about you, Touko...? It's so late-oh!" I remember the previous day's events suddenly, "Are you working on that story?"

 

"Not that one." She sighs. "If you go back to bed like a good girl, maybe I'll show you some of it in the morning. But right now you need to go back to sleep." She gets up and brings over a glass of water that was on her desk, holding it towards me. "Drink a little of this first."

 

"O-Okay-" I take a few mouthfuls of water and swallow obediently. She doesn't wait for me to give her the glass back before going to sit back down, her pen resuming its furious carve across her paper.

 

"Wh-Why are you still up?" She asks after a few minutes of silence, "I-I can feel you staring at me, you know-"

 

"It's...weird going to bed without you, Touko."

 

"I know-but this is important."

 

I feel irritation prickle at my scalp.

 

_She's been scolding me all day and saying how important it is for me to get better, when she's totally willing to work late into the night without sleeping?_

 

"If you're staying up, I'm staying up too."

 

She glares back at me over her shoulder again, tapping her pen against the table.

 

"I'm not the one with the fever. Lay down and get some rest."

 

Maybe it's how warm my head is that's making me more obstinate than usual: Makoto always said I was a lot crankier when I was sick. But if anyone's being cranky here, it's Touko.

 

"I'll just read for a little bit. I won't even make any noise, I promise. I'll probably fall asleep again while I'm reading, if it makes you feel any better."

 

"Fine. Just be quiet."

 

I get up in a huff and find the next issue of _The Bomb Inside Her_ to cozy up with. Touko braces her forehead into one hand and continues writing.

 

At first I really am reading. But Touko's pen never stops, and I've never seen her write before. Whenever I was writing something in school I'd have to stop and go back and erase over and over just to get the point across.

 

"Do you ever make a mistake?" I didn't mean to ask it aloud, but she answers anyway.

 

"Plenty. They're what give the story its life. Not every moment is exciting or perfectly steeped in feeling. You'll wear a reader out that way. You need to bait them with a taste and then make them wait for satisfaction. A quiet moment in between everything else is enough. They'll lap it up with all the more insatiable of an appetite if you make them wait. And if you do it right, those moments aren't mistakes anymore. Everything can serve some purpose. Even if it isn't exactly right, what matters is getting it on the paper and moving from one place to the next in your writing so you can go back later and figure it out. There are moments when you can write perfection from your fingertips without halt but they are few and far between, and you can't thrive on those alone. So you make do with what you have and let it help you later. Go to sleep, Komaru."

 

"H-Huh?! But-!" Her change in tone gives me whiplash. "-Why are you being so prickly?! I'm not tired anymore anyway, and I'm not a baby that needs taking care of. It's not fair that you get to stay up and work yourself to death when it's impossible for me to fall asleep without you anyway-"

 

Touko drops the pen on the desk and gets out of the chair, coming towards the bed and plucking the book out of my hands.

 

"H-Hey! That's-!"

 

She puts one hand on the bed. The other cups the back of my neck, and her lips press flush against mine. I collapse as she leverages her weight against me, legs bent at an angle, tangled with hers. Her mouth parts from mine with a wet sound and I grasp for her shoulders from under her arms to keep her close. Her hands stroke my hair out of my face and she frames herself around me possessively as she kisses me again and again.

 

"T-Tou...ko..." I moan, kissing back as best I can through the delirium of how good it feels, following her motions-I feel dizzy and I'm shaking all over and I'm overcome with a pleasant futility as she pins me against the mattress. "Y-You're strong, T-Touko, a-aahh-"

 

"I have help," She answers breathlessly, "so you'd better hope I'm enough without her to...to wear you out in time for you to fall asleep-"

 

"Th-That's not fair-" I whimper as she straightens up and pushes my arms back down, trailing kisses over my collarbone. Her coarse lips guide her tongue up the nape of my neck and I see stars as she draws her thumb over my quivering lips.

 

"Open your mouth, Komaru-"

 

"H-Haah-"

 

I obey immediately and she hesitates, her lips brushing reverently over my cheek-it feels like so long ago, too long, since the last time she's done so-and she kisses me deeply again, her tongue cautiously probing against my bottom lip before sliding home, circling mine and coaxing another moan from deep in my throat.

 

"You're so... _loud_ -" She growls around my tongue as I move it clumsily against hers, and I gulp back a whimper as she closes her teeth around my bottom lip with a frustrated snarl, "-so _stubborn_ -" I moan back weakly and fumble at the collar of her uniform until she sinks over me, her chest laying against mine. Her heart is pounding fast, and mine answers back in a defiant rhythm, fighting the sluggishness overtaking my body as she slowly overwhelms me. I twist against her and kiss back hungrily, and a broken sound emerges from between her lips that coils a knot of tension tight in the pit of my stomach.

 

"K-Ko...maru-"

 

"A-Aaahh-"

 

It coils a little tighter as her open palms drag down over my breasts, into the cradle of my hips, and my eyelids feel heavy as I try to resist exhaustion's hold. Touko's knee slips between mine, nestling against me at my body's center. My legs squeeze on reflex, and the friction pulls at the knot in my stomach like it's warm putty. I feel my body crumpling towards her, desperate and exhausted. Between the pressure there and on my chest, breathing up into her hands-

 

-I'm aching all over, and I don't know what to do about it. I can't keep my eyes open another moment, and I have no choice but to let them close as I pant for air. Her fingers fan gently over my ribcage, soothing and slow.

 

"Breathe, Komaru." She instructs me simply, and I slowly do as I'm told, shuddering into her touch with a plaintive whimper.

 

She silences me with one more reassuring kiss, her hand cool and soothing on my cheek as I fight sleep, and finally lose.


	13. Chapter 13

When I part my lips from hers, her mouth shines with slick, bruised and red like the ripened cheek of an apple. My heart races as her lashes hover low and lazy to a close, her fingers grasping me feebly, even in sleep.

 

Now what?

 

I can't even process what just happened, let alone move to untangle our limbs from each other.

 

Her body is completely relaxed, almost to the point of obscenity: her skirt is hiked and the skin of her thighs presses against mine like a brand. My throat is dry and I'm suddenly wishing we hadn't stopped. When I wonder how far it could've gone I know for certain that the ways I want to touch her are the kind that can't ever be taken back.

 

I force back my impure thoughts with a resolute tug on the front edge of her skirt, closing the window it left between our legs. I close my eyes and try to breathe regularly.

 

A disbelieving voice in my head chooses this exact moment to put into words what had just transpired.

 

_I almost had sex with Komaru._

 

My painstakingly won progress towards going to sleep crumbles apart immediately. Twenty minutes later a sleepy sigh purring through Komaru's chest does it again. By the time she wraps her arms around me and so innocently nuzzles her plump cheek against my tired face, I'm so flinchy and warm and bothered and desperate for something, anything to finally give that I end up stirring her back awake with all of my squirming.

 

"Mmnh..."

 

I close my eyes like I'm hiding.

 

(The way I used to, whenever I heard the clink of glass in the kitchen. I close them like the front door slammed on its brittle, grimy hinges and I can't help straining my ears for the muffled sound of sharp voices late at night in the dark, digging away at me a little more each time. I hide like I'm in a locker waiting for the cloud of perfume and airy laughter to pass, my chest crowding and my tongue heavy with the taste as I suck in what little air comes through the slats in the front like I'm breathing through a straw with a pinprick's width.)

 

I'm not built for this. I can't handle it, my chest feels like it's going to cave at any second- _idiot_ , I'm such an idiot for putting us here in the first place and I can't even endure this much-

 

I feel like I could scream, or maybe even cry-something, anything, but Komaru's awake-

 

Her fingers stroke my hair like she's too sleepy to recognize it at first, graduating to a slow and careful pace: it seems she's assumed I'm asleep, and with a few more passes of her hand, that assumption becomes reality.

 

...

 

The first sensation I wake to is the heat. Did I-fall asleep?

 

The night before, I'd-

 

I'd managed to get Komaru asleep, with every intention of getting right back to my writing. Her arms had been around me in a way that compelled me beyond resistance to stay. I'd slept like that, curled together with her like the roots of a yew tree, just as hopelessly tangled.

 

Her fingers still move through my hair. I dimly wonder whether or not she ever fell back asleep after I'd woken her up again, whether she's been stroking my hair continually.

 

My cheeks burn following the line of thought. What is she thinking, holding me so closely and making me feel all weird inside-?

 

She doesn't think about what she's doing. There's no reason to seek out my hand with hers, to trail her thumb across my fingers. She doesn't stand to gain anything from stroking my hair or brushing close to me, or linking arms with me.

 

She doesn't think before she does these things. She does them naturally, effortless. Once she's settled on what is the right thing to do, she holds true to it, unyielding.

 

Was doing this sort of thing the right thing to her? Was it the right thing to her, to sigh my name into my lips like it was all that was keeping her alive? To fold her hands into mine and never care or complain about how badly my fingernails and skin surrounding them have been mutilated by a lifetime of anxiety and abuse and stress, only ever thankful for the meager warmth they've ever provided?

 

Her spirit illuminates me, chases away the shadows and cobwebs and poison, purifying my deceitful actions before I could sew seeds upon my soul that I would surely never have recovered from, had they rooted within me, had she not moved my heart to action.

 

When I consider how absolutely and boundlessly I treasure her companionship-

 

Why did I do it-?

 

Why did I do something so reckless?

 

I know parts of the answer.

 

I know I love her. I know I wanted to.

 

I know I was frustrated, and how my writing completely enfolds me and drags my every emotion out and to the surface-

 

I didn't want to get her swept up in that, not that way.

 

If anything happens between us I can't let it be because of an impulse or risk it being a mistake that she regrets later.

 

I want to shake and cower with frustration-I'd been writing, hadn't I? That had been my plan in the first place, to use my writing to show her how I felt, to reciprocate in a way she _deserves_.

 

_Not like that though._

 

I can't tell if my short-lived foray into hormones had resulted in success or failure, but my inability to determine such bothers me. My writing is my absolute grounding force. It's the only thing that's been mine for my entire life, transcending my good-for-nothing excuse for a family. It had grown with me and raised me where my mothers could not. It had provided for me and given me all that the rest of the world withheld. The thought that I'm losing my grasp for the only encouraging voice I'd ever known before now completely petrifies me. The warmth around me and filling my lungs is suffocating, like I'm using my senses for the first time.

 

I trust Komaru. There's nothing false about that feeling, but the idea of unpacking everything so I can just feel worthy of being at her side fills me with dread and shame.

 

"Touko?...Are you awake?"

 

Her voice is as soft and gentle as the coo of a dove, and somehow it unsticks the lump in my throat.

 

"Yeah." I manage to croak. She stops petting my hair in favor of wrapping me in a loose embrace. I hold onto her tightly without sparing the action a second thought. Has she always felt...so solid? Or maybe she just feels that way because I've felt so much like a ghost, with little tethering me to the world until the tenuous connections I'd formed with others, until she helped show me their meaning.

 

With her arms around me I feel the impulses to question myself, to question her actions disappearing under the warmth I'd been so afraid of just moments before.

 

(I'm so stupid.)

 

I've never fit in anyone's arms before. We never have-me, and her.

 

(It's not so strange to feel trapped when faced with something new, especially when I've always been a creature of habit and solitude.)

 

It's no wonder I felt afraid.

 

(Why can't I just relax...?)

 

Her arms around me are not meant to be a trap. She's proven that a thousand times over. I can let myself fit into her arms, because she's already made room for me and Syo, and I'd never forgive myself for leaving that space empty.

 

All I need is her voice. Her encouragement, guiding my way, just so I can be sure.

 

Komaru's right here, and I can figure out the rest later.

 

"H-Hey, Touko...? I'm...really sorry about before."

 

"Wh-What-?"

 

"I mean-you were so busy writing and I pitched a fuss, and...y-you must've been really mad..." She's talking her way very carefully around the elephant in the room, but I know exactly what she's saying between the lines.

 

She's not sure if I'm ready to talk about it yet, and is affording me the opportunity to collect myself. It's a wonder I've ever thought her to be dim in the past. When it comes to our deepening friendship she's always been surprisingly conscientious.

 

Even though we've left that threshold far behind for a long time now, the both of us carefully keeping our sights forward, she's been kind enough to look away when I wasn't ready for anyone else to see.

 

"Y-You bet I was mad, since I couldn't write any more, I d-don't get to show you."

 

She giggles sheepishly and stretches her arms overhead until they bump the headboard, arching lazily into me like a cat.

 

"So...you're more mad that you can't show me yet? Why don't you just tell me a little?"

 

"A-Are you kidding?!" I roll over, afraid to look into her eyes for another moment while she's making such a sweet face, afraid of getting stuck the way a fly gets trapped going for honey. Her arm follows my body and she cuddles close against my back affectionately, innocent of what it does to me when she presses her chest flush against me. "I-I-If I told you how it goes, I-I might never finish it!"

 

"Huh? Really? Why?"

 

"B-Because!" I sputter, trying to ignore the heat stealing through my cheeks; does she have to press so damn close? "-If I reveal even a little of the best parts, it'll trick my brain into feeling as satisfied as if I've already written it! It's-a writer's burden to bear, and it's never been a problem for me until now. The whole satisfaction from writing used to be just getting to write how I felt. The recognition was okay-but I always did it for myself. But...now that I actually care what someone thinks, about what I write-ugh!" I scrunch myself towards her arm, scowling, "Look at all this trouble you've caused me...! L-Like I said, I never had to worry about this kind of sh-shit when I didn't have any friends!"

 

I'm waiting for her to reply when it occurs to me that I probably came off pretty harsh, but when I turn around my apology dies on my lips: Komaru looks like a cat that got the cream, lips curled like she's trying not to smile, eyes alight.

 

"-Oh thank god-" I breathe aloud without hesitation, before I can catch it.

 

"You-really care what I think of your writing?" Her tone of voice tells me the significance of the sentiment is not lost on her.

 

"Y...Yeah..." I admit.

 

"...And you were worried you'd hurt my feelings just now, weren't you-?" She ventures with a hint of triumph.

 

"...M-Maybe-but only because you're quick to cry, and I don't wanna get caught in your s-salty floodgates!"

 

"Okay, okay. We should probably get going before we waste the whole morning again though."

 

"Hmph. You say that like last time wasn't your fault."

 

"H-Hey! My fever's gone now, so we'll be fine!"

 

"...You probably gave it to me, idiot-" I mumble under my breath. Komaru's mouth hovers close over my ear suddenly, the humidity giving me goosebumps.

 

"...You say that like it wasn't your fault."

 

She pecks me on the cheek and bolts out of bed to get ready and my face ignites.

 

...

 

There's a surprising amount of children wandering the alleys nearby, and we end up with a much larger group than we're comfortable traveling with: nearly a dozen.

 

"They're all c-coming out of the woodwork now, huh...?" I remark as they crowd behind me on the path leading into the mansion, "Guess that means the adults really are moving around."

 

"Yeah. But...isn't something weird? We made it all that way with so many of us, and...not a single Monokuma?"

 

She's right. We faced absolutely no opposition on the way here. That in itself warrants heavy suspicion.

 

"Let's stay on our guard."

 

"Y-Yeah."

 

We bring the children inside and message Future Foundation to come and pick them up. An uneasy silence falls between us.

 

"I...think we should stay-"

 

"-Until they get picked up? Yeah, m-me too." I'm relieved she was thinking the same thing, and the look on her face tells me she is too.

 

It's a pretty uneventful hour that follows. We give them some juice boxes and crackers and snacks that we'd saved from last time, and I settle down with a notebook to try to write. Komaru takes turns playing patty cake with each of them and I watch her for a little while, occasionally managing another sentence after I get myself to stop tracing over letters I've already written over until they're darker than anything else on the page.

 

A weight at my side stirs my concentration and when I look, I see that one of the kids has awkwardly rest their head onto my arm, hands folded as they lay against my legs. I know he can't see my writing, but I close my notebook anyway, too flustered to continue with all the noise, and tentatively stroke his arm so that he can relax. A little while later, Komaru gives a few of them coloring books and leaves the room, returning with a blanket to put over the sleepy one. I join her on the floor with the kids as they grab books off the shelves and shove them towards us. We take turns reading to them until the helicopter comes to pick them all up, then go outside to wave goodbye at them.

 

"Well...we might've lost a little time, but at least nothing happened." Komaru remarks as we walk away.

 

"Y-Yeah, no, I know what you mean. Better safe than sorry. I'm still not convinced we're in the clear though-" Komaru freezes and grabs my arm, preventing me from taking another step.

 

"T-Touko-"

 

"What-?"

 

I follow her gaze with my own, towards the alley she's staring at.

 

A pair of pink pigtails flutter out of view around the corner just as soon as I see them.


	14. Chapter 14

"Kotoko?!"

 

There was no mistaking it, even if all I had was a glimpse: there's no way I'd forget her.

 

"A-Are you serious? What's she doing here?" Touko eyed the alley suspiciously.

 

"I don't know, but if we don't catch up to her quick we're about to lose our chance to find out! Come on!"

 

I broke into a run, Touko close behind. Touko's question echoed again inside my head; _what's she doing here? What's going on?_ I don't think she's a threat, but it's definitely strange for her to be alone and watching us, with the possibility of a Monokuma attack around every corner-

 

Then again, our passage from the hotel we were staying at to the mansion _had_ been surprisingly light of danger; was that Kotoko's doing?

 

Her footsteps peter off down the maze of alleys where we'd passed through once a long time ago. I recognize the liquor stores and small bars, other buildings with their shutters drawn down.

 

"G-God, it reeks back here-" Touko gasps raggedly behind me, "-how anyone could put that-that foul-tasting, bitter swill in their body is beyond me-"

 

We round a corner and a door slams closed down the alley.

 

"-In there!" I point and we close in, flanking the door cautiously. "I can't see inside too well, it's all boarded up-"

 

"You don't think she could run out a back door or something do you-?" Touko's eyes widen with sudden terror, and a sickly pallor drains her face, " _KOMARU-_!"

 

Sucking in a breath, I whirl around only just then registering the whir of machinery closing in-a huge Monokuma is barreling down the alley on all fours, and a cold sweat immobilizes my body, my stomach flipping over like I'd missed a step in the dark: these kinds were the worst, and in such a narrow alley with no room to maneuver, it scrambles against a wall and over some trash, leaps for me with its metal jaw gnashing-

 

I hear a huge crackle of electricity behind me and a sudden force flying past me blows my hair into my face, obscuring my vision for precious moments. A shrill, familiar cackle fills the air, and Syo lunges forward, thrusting two pairs of scissors straight down into the beast's head, planting her feet-it struggles against the force and her heels slide on the asphalt as it pushes her towards me.

 

"Sorry chump, but if anyone's going to be jumping Dekomaru's bones-it's gonna be me! Kyahehehehe!" With a whoop of uncontrollable laughter, she drags one pair of scissors down to its eye like she were cutting through cheap, wet paper instead of reinforced steel, and with a jerk of both of her arms, ripped its head clean open. It collapsed into a sizzling heap of smoke and scrap on the ground. With her scissors still in hand, she tucked a lock of hair back behind her ear with such a delicate curl of her fingers that you'd never guess she'd just lobotomized a bear, and arched back towards me as she smiled, eager and intent from ear to ear.

 

"Fooound you, princess! Your knight has come to the rescue!" She crosses one ankle behind the other and holds the edges of her skirt in each hand, curtseying low.

 

"Syo!" Relief washes through me as I realize the threat has passed. She spins towards me on her heel with a mirthful trill of laughter and my eyes follow the canter of her swaying hips as she sashays forward out of the wake of the carnage-

 

_God, how does she move like that?_

 

Syo lets the loops of her scissors fall slack over her curled knuckles as she cups my chin and lifts it, breaking my line of sight-to her hips, the bare skin of her thigh peeking out the slit in her skirt-and realigns it with her own.

 

" _My_ , Dekomaru, such an open stare? It's enough to make a girl squirm! See something you like?"

 

"A-Ah-! S-Sorry-!" I tried to apologize for staring, but the wide, mischievous grin on her face made it evident that she'd taken no offense at all.

 

"You'd better be careful, Dekomaru-if you point those puppy dog eyes at me like you're begging for scraps at the table-" Her breath was hot on my chin, "-I don't know if I can help giving you more than one mouthful."

 

Her voice carried a dangerous edge, the words sinking in like the thrust of cold steel.

 

Did I really look so...eager? The door creaks on its hinges and the sound jogs my memory.

 

"Syo, we've gotta move! Kotoko ran through here and-"

 

"Kotoko? Oh, my my! Isn't she that perverted grade schooler that stole your-"

 

"No!" I emphatically cry out, frustrated, "It wasn't like that-!"

 

My explanation fell on deaf ears; Syo grabs my wrist and pulls me inside the door with her so we can canvas the shop. The first thing I notice aside from the darkness is the almost overwhelming scent of leather. It's Syo who finds the light switch first. She flicks it on and almost immediately, we spy Kotoko, huddled against the back wall and cowering in a ball.

 

"Oh noes! You've found my hiding place!" Kotoko cringes and shakes her shoulders with exaggerated sobs, peeking through her fingers. She drops the charade with a sly grin, "-Or maybe you two perverts just came to do some shopping, huh?"

 

I raise my eyes and get a good look around for the first time since we hit the lights, but I don't see anything that would warrant her making a comment like that. There's not much of anything here besides what look like dog collars and leashes, harnesses (albeit kind of big and oddly shaped), and a few weird-looking toys and strangely fancy feathers.

 

Somehow, all of this seems vaguely familiar, but I can't place it.

 

"...Why would we need to come and do any shopping at a pet store-?"

 

In unison, Kotoko and Syo turn their heads toward me, eyes twinkling. After a beat of dead silence, they burst into laughter. "Wh-What?! What's so funny-?"

 

"Wooow!" Kotoko howls between bouts of laughter, "Big Sis Komaru is really still that innocent, isn't she? I'm amazed that even with such a lewd mistress such a thing is possible!"

 

"H-Huh?"

 

"Yes, that! That wide-eyed, deer-in-headlights look and clumsy expression that makes everyone want a piece! Woo! I'm getting goosebumps just looking at you!" Kotoko balls up her fists and starts swaying on her ankles, looking as smitten as I feel confused. "Come to think of it, you've gotten a waaay more womanly aura than you had last time we played together! Didja fall in love? Oh, oh!...With Miss Ugly Glasses? Ohh my!"

 

In my bid to look anywhere but at the two of them, I glance everywhere else that I can.

 

It's then that I remember where I've seen all this before.

 

That book-

 

The one Touko picked out for me-

 

Realization dawns on me and it's all I can do to bury my face in my hands.

 

This is _that_ kind of shop.

 

"What about it, Big Sis? Did she pop your ripe and perfect cherry? Did it make you squeal and moan? Did you show her your dewy-eyed, desperate O-face-?"

 

"S-Stop it-!"

 

The words are barely out of my mouth and Syo's arm is extended, scissors tipped towards Kotoko.

 

"Listen close, brat."

 

Syo's voice-

 

"I've indulged you _enough_ -"

 

-it's scary.

 

"-and if you're foolsome enough to think for one moment that I've forgotten what sort of nasty stuff you tried to force on Dekomaru-" Syo opened and closed her scissors menacingly towards Kotoko's face, and I felt my stomach flip at the thought of her making good on her threat.

 

"-and you think I'll listen to this and watch what you're doing to her now-!"

 

"W-Wait, Syo-!" I cried out, wrapping both of my arms around hers in an attempt to pacify the situation. Her muscles are trained at the ready, and I can feel in her posture that she's completely, deadly serious.

 

This is bad. This is really bad.

 

"She's-she's just a kid." I lick my lips, my mouth dry with fear. "I'm...I'm okay. It's okay."

 

Kotoko's eyes are welling with tears as she looks between myself and Syo.

 

The stillness in the room is palpable. After a long moment, Syo growls with exasperation, jerking her arm out of mine with so much force that I almost stumble over and her scissors click audibly as she sheathes them. Kotoko is not halfway through a sigh of relief when Syo hoists her forward by the front of her shirt, eliciting a bloodcurdling scream.

 

"Syo-!" I cry out again, nearly in tears, "-that's-!"

 

"-Enough, I know I know I know!" Syo barks back at me, frustrated, but no longer to a lethal degree. She wheels back around on Kotoko. "Mind what you say! A real woman never kisses and tells. And if you hurt Komaru again?" She leans closer and the trembling girl gulps loudly. "I'll hurt you. _Real_ bad."

 

"S-Syo..." I venture carefully, "Maybe...maybe let me talk to her."

 

As if on command, she drops Kotoko with a scoff and runs her second pair of scissors through her hair like a comb, looking distractedly to the side. She seems almost...dejected, in a way.

 

"You're sure lucky Dekomaru forgives so easily." Leaving it at that, she paces away to watch the windows. Kotoko lets out a huge sigh.

 

"Phew! I saw my young life flashing before my eyes there!"

 

"...Yeah?" I answer automatically, still watching Syo. I can't put it into words. I get the sense that she never would've done it in the first place, but I can't deny that for a moment-

 

-I was just a little bit scared.

 

But...

 

I still felt completely confident that I could stop her. That I would never, ever let her do something like that for me. Just like last time, when she would've thrown away everything else to let me go free, no matter how dear-no matter how many times it happens, I'll be there to protect her from having to make terrible choices like that.

 

"Absolutely! There's nothing more terrifying or beautiful than a woman in love! Especially at such an experimental age! A shy virgin like you with a confident girl like her to teach you everything-you're a perfect, totally adorbs couple! Everyone loves the drama and intrigue of best friends destroying their boundaries when the tension gets to be too much to bear, and submitting to a forbidden, passionate tryst-"

 

"Kotoko, c'mon." A new voice joins in from the back door of the store, startling me and Syo, "I told you it ain't right for a girl your age to talk like that."

 

"Hiroko?!" I exclaim, thoroughly shocked. I didn't expect to see her alongside Kotoko like this.

 

"Hiroko!" Kotoko squeals loudly and pounces on the older woman in a hug, "You made it okay! Did I do good?" Hiroko pats her head.

 

"Sure did. Long time no see, Koko, Fufu." She winks and tilts her head towards me and Syo in turn, pausing briefly once she lays eyes on her, then slowly looking back to me. "...She okay? You two aren't fighting again, are you?"

 

"N-No! We're fine." I explain hastily. Syo glances over her shoulder with acknowledgement, but soon returns to pacing the store.

 

"Good. It wouldn't suit the two of you."

 

"Y-Yeah. But...what's going on? Hiroko, what are you doing all the way out here?"

 

"That's a fair question." Hands in her pockets, Hiroko turns to Kotoko. "Sorry to ask, but will you go on ahead while I explain things? I can meet you there after."

 

"Aww!" Kotoko sways dramatically, puffing out her cheeks. "Can't I go with you?"

 

"You already know that's too dangerous. At least until this comes off." Hiroko holds up her wrist and I feel my stomach twist when I lay eyes on her wristband. Syo glances back with surprise, her eyes alert and intent. Hiroko returns her hand to her pocket. "I'm technically still part of this game. For the time being, this is safer than us moving together and risking you getting overwhelmed by Monokumas. At the end of the day, I'm an adult and you're a child. You're already in enough danger helping me out, and the least I can do is make sure you're in as little danger as possible. That's an adult's responsibility and not a child's."

 

Kotoko absorbs this lecture silently, and though she's still pouting, her eyes are filled with pure, childlike admiration-

 

"Wow Hiroko, you're not just a MILF, but a totally mature woman!"

 

-or so I thought.

 

"...Being a mom and a mature woman are things that should not be mutually exclusive. But no more talk like that, got it?" Hiroko sighs.

 

"-If I'm good can I at least try one of your cigarettes finally-?"

 

"No." Hiroko interjects firmly.

 

"Why not?!"

 

"Because if you started smoking I'd have to stop giving you candy."

 

"Oh noes! Anything but that!"

 

"Then go on ahead, and do your thing. I won't be long."

 

"Okie dokies! But I'm holding you to it!"

 

Kotoko readied her denture launcher and bolted out the door.

 

"Hhwah...haah...tchoo!"

 

Hiroko and I turn in the direction of the sound, and Touko comes to and looks around.

 

"H-H-Huh?! What-what is this? What are we doing in a place like this? Where'd that brat go-?"

 

"T-Touko!" I wave my arms, "It's okay! Hiroko was just gonna explain-"

 

Touko chews her fingernails behind me as she gets closer. "Oh...you're here?"

 

"Wow, Fufu. That's some cold shoulder you've got there." Hiroko sighs and fiddles with the cigarette between her lips. "Anyways. You probably are wondering what a member of the resistance is doing with one of those kids, and I think you two are the most likely to understand."

 

"Y-Yeah...it couldn't be too good if the other adults found out, right?" I reply.

 

"That's another reason I have to insist on travelling separately from her. We're 'together' in just about every sense but physically, as far as our movements go. If I were to be caught alone following her, it'd be easy enough to explain away as trying to spy on her. That way no one else will go after her."

 

"She goes on ahead because the Monokumas are attracted to the wristband," Touko chimes in, "because it's safer to thin out the danger when it isn't actively pursuing you."

 

"Bingo, Fufu."

 

"But...where are you guys even going? How do you know you can trust her?" Touko asks, suspicion hanging off each word.

 

"Kotoko's not a bad girl. She's done bad things and made bad choices, but I believe her when she says she wants to make things right."

 

I nod thoughtfully. "...Yeah, hasn't Kotoko left all that behind? Monaca betrayed her after all, didn't she?" I really doubt Kotoko is up to anything, but Touko seems less convinced.

 

"Th-That doesn't mean she's on our side! J-Just because she's unaffiliated with anyone doesn't mean she's completely trustworthy-"

 

"T-Touko..." I bit my lip. I can tell she's getting prickly again. For some reason she seems to just...have it out for Kotoko.

 

_It's my fault. Because Kotoko did those things to me, Touko won't forgive her._

 

A painful weight settles itself in my chest. It's guilt not just for causing this situation, but also because maybe-no, definitely-

 

-part of me is happy that Touko wants to protect me from getting hurt again. I fall silent when Touko looks back at me, unable to meet her eyes. Hiroko clears her throat.

 

"Fufu. Let me worry about Kotoko. I trust her, but I can't exactly quote 'mother's intuition' as a reason to everyone back at the base. Staying unaffiliated is best. Then, if she's true to her word, there'll be no better proof than her returning me minus the wristband when she would've had every opportunity to lead me into an ambush. If she's not...then it's only me that takes the fall. The only one left who knows how to takes these things off is one of her friends, and they want to make things right. They should be given that chance. They're just kids that got hurt by the people that were supposed to protect them the most. No one else at the base has children. No one else is in as much a position to understand. Call me crazy, but I feel like it's my responsibility to go forward with this. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I called myself a mother and wasn't willing to at least do this much when I see kids that have been taken advantage of."

 

"E-Even though...they aren't yours? Y-You don't even have a nickname for Kotoko..." Touko's voice makes me look up. She sounds so surprisingly...vulnerable suddenly. Hiroko leans forward, studying Touko without so much as batting an eyelash.

 

" _Especially_ because they aren't mine. Because they have no one else. And...I can't give a nickname to a girl who hates them with all her heart. There isn't a thing she hasn't been called. Not even anything a grown woman should ever be called. If she hadn't killed her mother and father, I'd probably have done it for her."

 

A nameless discomfort permeates the room at Hiroko's chilling words. She stands up straight again, plucking her spent cigarette out of her mouth and extinguishing it on a nearby counter.

 

"Sorry to dampen the mood. I just...can't forgive bad parents. None of us are perfect, but at the very least...we're meant to love our children, and protect them. Not put them in harm's way. Not hurt them. No one ever realizes a child's innocence is gone until it's far too late. And then they end up blaming the child for their own shortcomings. I can't watch people heap their broken hopes and dreams onto a child's back."

 

"S-Stop it..."

 

Touko's voice is strained and barely audible, and her breathing is heavy as she hunches over her clasped hands. I feel as though each sob she's holding back is stabbing clear through my heart.

 

_Touko...you're...hurting badly, aren't you? I can't even imagine..._

 

When she looks up, her eyes are puffy and wide, like she's heard something unbelievable, beyond comprehension.

 

"...You're...making me _sick_."

 

Before I can will my body to move, Hiroko steps forward and puts an arm around Touko's shoulders, drawing her close. She stiffens immediately, but doesn't break away.

 

"I don't know what kind of hell you've lived, where the only living thing they have left to take from you is a _beetle_ -" At Hiroko's words, Touko curls in defensively, "-but you're a very tough girl, Fufu. And you built that strength alone for a very long time. But you're not alone now. Whatever you've done, the world as it is now won't care. It's what you do from here on out that matters. I trust you like I trust Kotoko. And you can't disappoint the one already at your side even if you tried."

 

Hiroko winks at me and puts her hands back in her pocket, heading towards the door. "Take care of her, Koko. I've gotta get going."

 

I nod. She leaves us behind, and Touko wipes her face on her sleeve and grabs my hand, her expression regaining the vigor I was so used to seeing.

 

"W-We'd better get back too."

 

"Yeah. Let's go."

 

I lace my fingers with her and lead the way.

 

...

 

We hold hands the whole way back in comfortable silence.

 

I'm glad that we ran into Hiroko. I'm glad that Touko got to talk to someone with such a good heart. She might say over and over how she doesn't want people to pity her, but it's only natural to want someone to care. I can tell that Hiroko earned her trust.

 

Not that we hadn't trusted her before, but this was different. Hiroko had already had our trust as we were as a team; as me and Touko _together_ talking to her, but now-

 

-Touko trusted Hiroko like that all on her own, and let her in when she was hurting and angry.

 

The feeling that it puts in my chest makes my heart swell with joy for Touko. She's so brave, even when it hurts or is scary.

 

_I love her that way._

 

When we make it back to the hotel and to our room, Touko is still quiet. She must have a lot on her mind after a conversation like that. My heart aches for her and from behind her, I wrap my arms around her waist, finding her folded hands with mine and clasping them tightly-I want to give her all my strength, please, let it reach her.

 

"Touko...I'm here for you no matter what, okay? If you want to talk, or even just be together without saying anything, I'll do anything to-"

 

"I know." She squeezes my hands and lowers her head. As her dark hair passes over her shoulder, I close my eyes and press a kiss to the back of it. "G-Gosh, if everyone starts doting on me it's gonna get even more painfully embarrassing than I feel around you."

 

I giggle warmly. "Hey, that's mean! I guess you really are feeling better."

 

"Oh, ha, ha."

 

We sit down on the edge of the bed together, but Touko shifts uncomfortably and stands back up.

 

"O-Ouch! What the-?!" She puts a hand into each of her pockets and her expression pales.

 

"Wh-What's wrong?" I ask, and she groans.

 

One after another, things start coming out of her pockets.

 

A feather. A long, black piece of silk. An even longer...cord of sorts?

 

And a diminuitive, black leather collar with metallic clasps on it.

 

"Sh-She must've-while I wasn't in control-ugh! Th-Th-That insufferable...bitch! How c-could she?!" She growls and drags her hands down her face, which has turned to a stunning shade of red in so short a time.

 

"O-Oh...did Syo take these?"

 

" _I_ definitely didn't! Sh-She must've decided to do a little 'shopping' while I couldn't see. We...we've gotta bring them back-"

 

"W-Wait," I put my hands on her shoulders reassuringly, "we've had a long day. Let's just do it tomorrow, after we're done moving? Here, just give it all to me. I'll even put it in the other room so you don't have to think about it or see it."

 

"F-Fine..." Touko passes it all to me deferentially, defeated. "Komaru...?"

 

"Yeah...?"

 

"I...hate to ask but...could I maybe sleep alone tonight?"

 

"Huh...?" The question makes my heart squeeze just a little. _Did I...do something wrong?_ "Y-Yeah. Yeah, sure! That's fine..."

 

"I-It's not cause I don't...like sleeping next to you. I just...wanted to do some things."

 

 _Oh_. I feel relieved suddenly. "Ah, like writing? I totally understand! That's no trouble, I can just be in the room next door if you need me."

 

"...Y-Yeah. That too. But...could you show me where you left your manga before you go?"

 

"Mmhm!"

 

Touko just needs a little alone time. I can handle being by myself for one night. I show her where my manga is and am almost out the door when she stops me.

 

"Y-You should probably take the laptop. I'm gonna be writing by hand anyway."

 

"Oh, okay!" She hands it to me and I loiter a moment longer. "Ah, right-Touko, can I borrow...your book, too?"

 

"Th-That book? You're not gonna try on any of that stuff without me, are you?" Before I can answer, she laughs with those pretty, curled lips of hers before catching herself, flustered, "I-I mean-yeah, h-here, take it-"

 

"Thanks, Touko. Well...Good night!" I know I'll feel a little less lonely if I know we're reading each other's books. I turn to leave again but her fingers tug at my shirt once more. "Hm?" I stop and turn around and Touko curls her fingers over mine and leans in close, her breath catching just before she presses her lips to mine. It's brief, but when she draws back her thumb traces longingly over my knuckles.

 

"...G-Good night, Komaru..."

 

I lean forward and kiss her, too, feeling a tickling sensation in my chest as our noses brush. I finally manage to move my feet and she watches from the doorway to make sure I get to the next room okay.

 

When I get inside the doorway, I exhale loudly and set everything down. It feels empty without Touko here, but I've already decided I'm going to do my best to deal with it. Immediately I crack open the book she handed me and lay out on the bed to read it. It's not like reading manga, but it definitely distracts me. My imagination starts to wander as I read, and even though I had some difficulties reading it in the past, I manage to surprise myself with how much braver I feel now.

 

But maybe that's just because knowing that this is the sort of thing Touko likes makes it...more interesting? I get a really strange feeling looking at this and thinking of Touko at the same time. And when I read about how some people like this sort of thing because it makes them feel safe, instead of the other way around, I feel like I understand Touko just a little bit more, even if the more I read, the more my body starts feeling strangely warm.

 

Eventually, I close the book, restless. I don't feel like I can just read about it all at once, without my imagination wandering back to the night before and how similar the way I feel now is to how I felt with Touko on top of me, kissing me, touching me-

 

I roll over on the bed, feeling an ache in my hips that forces me to take a deeper breath. My eyes settle on the collar that Touko handed me earlier, and I run a finger along its soft, leather surface, noting how much it differs from the cold metal rings fastened to it.

 

_Would Touko put something like this on me, if I asked her to? Or, maybe she would like to wear it instead..._

 

The stray thought startles me. I hadn't known I was interested in this until I thought of Touko being involved.

 

Touko, telling me she wants to keep me.

 

Touko, calling me a good girl, and looking at me the way she does when she's talking about dirty stuff.

 

Or maybe, Touko looking at me with her strong, pretty eyes as she told me exactly what to do.

 

I pick it up in my hands and it feels heavier than I expected. Stricken with curiosity, I take it to the washroom and look in the mirror as I hold it up. As the leather brushes my throat, I feel my vision blur a little. I circle it around and the feeling intensifies. I close my eyes and imagine, for a moment, that it's Touko putting it on for me.

 

_Click._

 

...Uh oh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Thanks for reading! I hope this chapter was as exciting to read as it was to write! I really enjoy writing action scenes so the parts with Syo were in particular a lot of fun. Also, I have to give a big thanks to my friend Paru for not only chatting with me for hours on end about toukomaru and being an absolute bestie but also encouraging me to include Hiroko in the story-I wouldn't have thought of something like that without their help, and especially with regards to Kotoko and the fun dynamic of those two working together! I really like writing the girls interacting with other characters. And Hiroko is such a great mom, it may have been a little self-indulgent but I wanted Touko to get a hug from her, ahaha. Also, as you may be able to tell from the end of the chapter and the sort of air surrounding Komaru and Touko's maturing thoughts of one another, another change in rating may be on the horizon, so just...don't be too surprised! Thanks again for reading and for all your WONDERFUL and encouraging comments as always!


	15. Chapter 15

Silence.

 

My pen tore through it with curved and sloping strokes, in Komaru's absence, and when I couldn't write another word I laid in our bed and closed my eyes.

 

_It's probably too late to go and ask her if she wants to come back, she always falls asleep so quickly..._

 

I breathe in deeply and almost, _almost_ sense her beside me as I turn over into her spot on the bed-it still smells like her. My heart throbs and my legs squeeze.

 

I'd-

 

-had certain, other reasons for wanting to be alone tonight.

 

My hand cautiously slips beneath the slit in my skirt, fingertips brushing past the scars and treading higher. My teeth sink deep into my lower lip.

 

There were things I just couldn't do around Komaru, things that I needed to do before I let my feelings build to a point where I can't control them around her.

 

I can't tell whether I want to be touching her or if I want her to be touching me, but I spare neither idea from my imagination as my fingers pass over my center, my lips parting, broken, around her name for the first of many times.

 

...

 

When morning comes, it takes me a moment to remember that Komaru isn't beside me. My momentary panic passes and I laugh, dry and bitter, at my own expense.

 

I would ask for privacy, and then forget I did and wonder why I was alone.

 

I'm sluggish and lethargic and just a little bit offended by myself for having such a good time and sleeping so well when I'd fantasized about my closest friend and...

 

...gotten off on it.

 

I need to wash my hands. I get to the sink in the bathroom through a haze of post-euphoric hormones and wash up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

 

Just when I'm wondering how in the world I'm going to face her, I start wondering why I haven't yet-what time is it? Shouldn't she be up by now?

 

_Okay. Stop right there. No worst-case scenarios. Just...go to her door._

 

I take a breath to calm myself and start an even-albeit brisk-walk down the hall, rapping on her door with my knuckles.

 

"Komaru? You awake?"

 

"Y-Yes! One second!"

 

Her voice is disproportionately relieving-honestly, what was I expecting? Of course she's fine. It was one night and she's a tough girl.

 

But...

 

What's taking her so long to get to the door?

 

Just before I'm about to call out once more, the door swings open.

 

"S-Sorry about that."

 

I immediately notice that her scarf is wound tightly around her neck. Her voice is small and tired and she looks like she slept terribly.

 

"Komaru...?"

 

"Yes!...Yes?"

 

It doesn't exactly take an expert to tell that she's been better. She's really on edge.

 

...I think I understand now.

 

"Y-You idiot, why's your scarf on so tight? Is your cold coming back?"

 

"...Maybe."

 

"I knew it. J-Just don't overdo it today."

 

"R-Right!"

 

We have to switch locations today, to be safe. From what we'd been told a few days before, the adults were supposed to start moving too. The hardest part-rescuing what kids remained in the area-we'd thankfully already taken care of without incident much earlier than anticipated. As much as I hate to admit it, we have Kotoko's meddling to thank for that much, without a doubt.

 

In fact, her meddling probably did a lot to help us on our search today, too. We encountered few Monokumas on the way to a different hotel, one tucked out of the way in a part of town that clearly had a bit of a dubious history to it-but as long as it wasn't a former love hotel or anything, I'm content. There's no _way_ I'd be able to look Komaru in the eyes in a place like that.

 

As my thoughts gravitate back to Komaru, I realize she's been oddly quiet the entire walk. More so, she's particularly flinchy and forgetful-more than once as we walk, I have to tug the back of her shirt when she forgets to check whether the alleys we pass are clear, and when I do, she gets a look on her face that's impossible to describe-she's just-

 

Not herself. She's never gone so long without talking with me since the first time we ever had an actual argument.

 

...Did I do something wrong? Did it affect her more than I'd thought, the pent up emotions toward her situation, in having to be alone last night?

 

...Actually, that wouldn't surprise me. She'd had to endure being all alone for a long, long time. Maybe it brought back bad memories. Maybe it would be better not to ask.

 

_But what if she wants to talk about it? She'd...She'd tell me if she needed to-_

 

_-right?_

 

_Does she know she can rely on me yet?_

 

I spend so much time thinking of what to say to her that in the end I don't say anything. With our route cleared and decided, all that's left is to move our stuff from one location to the other. Even though there isn't much to move, we tend to linger where the books are involved-Komaru stopping to flip through her manga, me with my novels-and sometimes it happens with me and my writing. While we tidy up, I get engrossed in what I'd written the night before.

 

 _Ugh_. It was all the sort of stuff that had felt great as I was writing it but now fell flat under closer scrutiny. There are parts of it that show some promise, where my emotions had managed to permeate the words in a palatable way, but they were riddled with distractions, or lack thereof.

 

I wrote better when Komaru was there to color my prose, to make me feel the sort of things I hadn't thought to include in my writing, my fantasies, before: small, imperfect moments of irritation and the endearment that was discovered nestled warmly within.

 

The heat from that sort of spark was something left largely unexplored in my writing-it's surprising that I could write with such success before when I'm only now learning of the intricacies that an errant sigh, a turned page crinkling at the zenith of my concentrative peak, and a deeply drawn breath at a cheap and shallow plot twist can lend to my own writing with their buoyancy and spontaneity.

 

I'd never dreamed that something as simple as a girl reading and breathing on the bed behind me could affect me at all, let alone in ways beyond that of which I'd been so swayed by perfect, frigid fractals and icy veneers of the men I'd imagined and written of and reached for in my past novels.

 

But-it's not so simple as that, either.

 

Komaru isn't just 'a girl'; she's Komaru, and the sounds she makes and the breaths she takes are the rhythms of the body, the signature of life in a person I love deeply.

 

I fold the sheafs of paper into an uneven booklet as I consider my options.

 

...I was about to throw these away, for their lack of that something I was hoping for, but it seems it's impossible, now. Dwelling on it has made me realize that if I keep it, if I can compare it to the kind of writing I do around Komaru, perhaps, in much the same way I'd found something in those imperfections that was worth keeping, I could find the gap between places where my voice alone couldn't reach, and the response she incited in me with hers-

 

And in joining the two, perhaps I could close that distance not only in terms of what my writing lacked-

 

-but between her and myself.

 

(I want...to write more about Komaru. About us together, to capture our story on pages. Every awkward and trifling detail. I want to study her, undress her, wrap her in ink ribbons and embrace her so that her mark on me can never fade. I can do whatever I want, in my writing, without fear of altering our reality. In words on the page, I can brush my fingers inside the slope of her thigh, can feel her flinch with anticipation as my palm slides up her stomach, pulling her shirt with it-)

 

I can do anything I want, except know exactly how she'd respond.

 

Beyond that, perhaps my writing disappoints me this time because I don't want it to remain fantasy. I want to explore her with far more than a safe string of words, precise and systematic; I want to feel everything, the parts of her I wouldn't, couldn't share with anyone else.

 

Finally noting the absence of sound, it occurs to me that I've been zoning out for a long time. I look back over my shoulder at her and she's fidgeting with her scarf. Her manga is already packed away and she's waiting so quietly I almost can't believe it's her. She appears fatigued, almost dizzy, her eyes unfocused.

 

"Komaru?"

 

She jumps a mile when I say her name, and quickly forces an uneasy smile as she glances over.

 

"Yeah? What's up?"

 

She swallows as I fix her with an incredulous stare and raised eyebrow, but only offers a placating smile in return.

 

"D-Don't give me that, you've been acting weird all day! What's wrong?"

 

"H-Have I? Um...I'm just tired? I think?"

 

"Th-The hell? Why are you saying it like a question? I bunch up part of my sleeve in my plm, worrying at the fabric. "Y-You're...not mad at me, are you? Did I do something-"

 

"N-No!" She exclaims, so quickly that I'm stunned into silence. "N-No, Touko, it's-definitely not you! It's just-well-" She laughs sheepishly, "-how should I put this...? I guess...I really do sleep better next to you..."

 

The words melt in my heart, heating my cheeks.

 

"F-Funny. I was just thinking how...how I write better when I'm around y-you."

 

Komaru blinks slowly. "R-Really?"

 

"I w-wouldn't lie about writing." A beat. "-Or about you." I can't bring myself to look her in the eyes. The futility of my situation, my wanting to express how I feel to her feels all-encompassing. "B-But we've wasted enough time here, we should get going. Did we get everything?...Shit. I forgot-" My face burns with embarrassment, "-the stuff Syo took-"

 

"I'll...I'll get it." Komaru curls her fingers into her scarf shyly. "We can return it later." With a tiny smile, she adds, "I know there's no police anymore, but...I'd rather not let Syo add shoplifting to her track record."

 

Komaru leaves the room while I pack our bag and returns with a tote I don't recognize.

 

"Everything's here. You ready?"

 

"Yeah. Let's go."

 

With the route clear we carry everything to the hotel and unpack, settling in. Even once we're done and laying side by side, reading on the unfamiliar bed, Komaru still appears to be bothered by something.

 

No-more than that. She looks like she's been holding her breath the entire way.

 

"H-Hey, Touko?" She starts suddenly, "We...we got everything that we had to return, right? There's...nothing else in your pockets, is there?"

 

Her tone of voice makes me immediately suspicious: I almost get the sense that-

 

-that she's hoping there's something in them, though for what reason I can't tell.

 

I humor her and reach into my pockets again.

 

"...No, nothing. At least, I'm pretty sure. Why?" The question makes her visibly tense, only furthering my suspicions.

 

"O-Oh, uhm...j-just making sure, I guess-"

 

I'm not totally convinced, but I also have no idea what the matter could be. "I think I took everything out the first time, so to be sure I guess we'd have to check the bag-"

 

The bag is resting on the floor at my side of the bed, but as I lean over and pick it up, Komaru jumps across me to catch my wrist, nearly falling across my lap-at the last second she repositions her hand and clutches my shoulder while I catch her around the waist to keep her upright. The bag's handles slip from my fingers and hang lazily over the edge of the bed.

 

"W-Wait!" She croaks, her eyes wide with alarm.

 

"Wh-What?!" I'm momentarily stunned by the sudden intimacy of our situation, by the look on Komaru's face, her clumsy fingers curling against my collarbone, the way this feels almost like an embrace-

 

-Seriously, what is she doing?

 

A flutter of movement at her throat catches my eye.

 

In her rush to stop me, her scarf slid forward. Cold metal gleams underneath.

 

She realizes too late and tries to draw the draped fabric back up to her throat, but I catch her wrist midway.

 

I don't know how to process what I'm seeing.

 

"K-Komaru-is that-?"

 

I don't even have to ask, it's a stupid question. Of course it is.

 

The collar. It's-

 

- _there_ , of all places, supple leather stark against Komaru's pale throat, drawn tightly-

 

My mouth dries up. I swallow thickly, searching her for an explanation.

 

"I-I was just-" Komaru blinks rapidly, humiliated to tears, "-it was an accident, I can't-I can't get it off, I tried, I tried-But I think I j-just made it tighter-"

 

"Let me see. Hold still." I can already see that it's tighter than it should be, but when I only manage to squeeze one finger underneath as Komaru breathes out hard I confirm it. Komaru sniffles miserably and the sound breaks my heart.

 

"I-I'm sorry-" A deep sob shakes her chest and she paws away her tears on the back of her hands. "-I thought-if we'd found the key, or if it were in your pocket, I could get it off, but it isn't anywhere and I couldn't check your pocket because you always wear that skirt-I'm...I'm really scared, Touko-"

 

She'd kept it on all day without a word.

 

She'd done it even thought it must've been hell, must've made her feel so trapped and afraid, but she'd held it in anyway-

 

_And I hadn't done anything when I noticed something was wrong. I let it go on because I was such a fucking coward, and couldn't work up the nerve for a moment to push a little harder to find the truth I'd known deep down that she'd been hiding._

 

"Why...why didn't you tell me?" I ask in a low voice, hating myself a little more for each word of it that comes tumbling out unchecked; I have no right to ask her something like that, and I know it.

 

"I don't know," Komaru whimpers quietly, "I'm an idiot, I didn't know h-how-I'm so sorry, I, I wanted to but-but I just couldn't-"

 

"S-Stop. You're not." I pull her close-it's possibly the stiffest hug we've ever shared, with how locked up her shoulders and arms are, but she sniffles and breathes a little easier, between the hiccups and shaking.

 

"I-can't get it off, I can't get _out_ -" Her voice is vacant and hollow-I squeeze her shoulders and hold her upright, and her eyes are much the same. "T-Touko-" She looks up suddenly, fighting back tears, "-what do we do...? There's...no key, what if it w-won't come off-?"

 

"W-We'll get it off. Just-try to calm down, and lift your chin a little so I can see."

 

"Y-Yeah. Okay." She does as she's told and takes slow breaths.

 

"G-Good-good girl." I encourage her, examining the place where the clasp meets the strap. There's not much to it: just a plain leather strap and a metal clasp with a keyhole. It really seems the only thing that will open it is a key.

 

Unless-

 

Unless the strap itself were cut through.

 

(It's not like I don't always have something in reach to cut it with, but-)

 

(Those are _hers_. The thought of slipping my fingers through those cold metal loops and feeling the blades grind together makes me feel like an infestation of insects is feasting on my spine.)

 

Komaru bites her lip and closes her eyes, tears leaking one after another down her cheeks. I think of anything else I can as my hand breaches the outside clasp on the pouch strapped to my thigh, slowly opening it and steeling myself before grasping the handle of the scissors hidden there.

 

Instantly, I feel nauseous, but I pull them out. Komaru's eyes follow the movement.

 

"D-Don't look." I tell her quickly, my voice shaking, "J-Just close your eyes and hold still."

 

"T-Touko..."

 

"P-Put your chin back up."

 

She bravely, trustingly obeys, and when I see how readily she offers her throat to me I know I have to get her out and make good on that trust. Her hands hover over my shoulders as I open the scissors and slip one blade underneath the collar and try closing them. There's quite a bit of resistance and the edge of the blade is pointing right underneath Komaru's soft chin as I struggle with them.

 

_(Her throat flinches beneath my hand. The blades smell like a hospital, like blood and perfume. I can't hurt her. I can't hurt her. I can't hurt her. I can't hurt her. I can't hurt her. I can't-)_

 

The leather starts to give, ripping as I drag the blades. I tug it once more, dropping the scissors with a clatter off the side of the bed, going for it with my hands and tearing it off from around her neck, likewise dropping it aside.

 

"Hhaaaahh-"

 

Komaru's teary lashes flutter open, lips quivering with a protracted sigh of relief as all the tension leaves her body; she wobbles forward and melts against me, her breath hot and feverish against my neck as my back strains against the headboard.

 

I-

 

I'd done it. I'd pulled it off.

 

Blinking back my surprise I fold my arms around her as she hums into my embrace. For a moment, her profoundly pleased expression makes me feel a crumb of jealousy, but the more predominant feeling that comes from watching her, spent and flushed in the face like she'd just run a marathon only for the promise of my waiting arms at the end is completely overpowering.

 

"Mmnnh, Touko-" Her weight sinks down my body, her chest pressing into my stomach.

 

Maybe I'm just wanting to see more of that face, this completely unhinged expression that's making my chest tighten up.

 

"Y-You did g-good, Komaru-" I cup the back of her neck and slowly massage the raw imprint left by the collar. She smiles and bows her head shyly at the praise-she's really just like a puppy, so enthused, so eager-trusting to a fault, even though as I watch her I feel more and more like someone who can't be trusted.

 

"O-Only because-because I knew you'd save me, no matter what." She replies dreamily. My chest purrs with approval. I curl my fingers into her hair and pamper her a little more-she immediately goes limp, sighing aloud. "It...It wasn't bad after that."

 

I can sense a secondary meaning in her words, in her tone of voice.

 

_She doesn't outright dislike this sort of thing._

 

"Th-Then you shouldn't do it without me."

 

"Y-Yeah." She's quiet, thoughtful. "There's only so much I can pick up from reading alone. When I got it stuck on me last night, I-I thought about coming to tell you-I was just...a little..." She struggles finding the words, "...I'd been thinking of you when I put it on." Komaru finally admits, in a small voice.

 

"...Huh. I see."

 

"T-Touko-" She groans, obviously distressed, "-n-now I just feel stupid-"

 

"I'm not making fun of you. I was just...surprised. I was trying to think of a way to tell you how much I'd been thinking of you last night, too. But...since it appears we were thinking about the same kind of thing...it shouldn't be too hard."

 

"Y...Yeah?"

 

"...Yeah." I can't manage to raise my voice beyond a volume that only she can hear, but it suffices. "But I'd rather...I'd...rather-"

 

"...Show me."

 

"Y-Yeah-" I exhale gratefully, feeling the butterflies in my stomach stealing the air from my lungs, "-o-okay-"

 

My hand slides around to cup and lift her cheek, and she arches to look up at me at my prompting; her pupils are blown and dark, and the cradle of her hip tempts my other hand into crossing her body, squeezing her close, meeting her lips with-

 

- _mine, mine, mine_ -

 

I can't even halfheartedly convince myself that I only want to kiss her, that I haven't wanted this for so, so _long_ -I want to make her writhe, want to excise every word, each sound from her lips and cradle them in mine, to personally make love to them as they echo inside my body. My tongue strokes deep into her mouth against hers and I roll her onto her back when she reciprocates. The sound of shifting sheets and clothing and most of all, the noise from our mouths feels impossibly loud in the silence following the absence of our spoken words. She fumbles with a hand to hold the back of my neck, creating more pressure from my lips to hers, seeking it with a slick whimper of approval. She moans loudly when one of my hands drags over a breast, flicking buttons open on her cardigan and thumbing over the stiffened peak through thin cotton-even louder, and through gritted teeth when I localize the pressure with a squeeze. A tremble refers through her body as my hand crosses lower, and her hips buck into my touch as I graze their crest. The movement shakes me somehow and I part from her lips with a wet sound.

 

Now that I'm finally here I have no idea what to do with myself.

 

I'm too scared I'll hurt her.

 

"K-Komaru-"

 

_(I love you.)_

 

"M-Mmm-"

 

Between kisses I quake with the effort to find the words, slowing to a halt and biting my lip in frustration. Bleary-eyed, she peers at me curiously, her hands reaching up to cup my face when she sees my tortured expression.

 

"Touko...?" I lean into her palms reverently, tears burning at the corners of my eyes. Because how do I know I can protect this, protect her? Now that I'm so close I'm that much more paranoid, and none of it can possibly be her fault, she's given me no reason to doubt, so why-

 

-Why am I so weak?

 

I kiss her again, deep and slow, and a soft mewl emits from her throat, suffocated in the space pressed between us; her fingers lingering ghost-like on my cheeks. My eyes start to burn again and she caresses my face gently.

 

"Touko-" Her voice wavers, but her tone bears a certain seriousness, "-do...do you need to stop...?"

 

I grimace as all my joints lock up simultaneously, chest straining as I try to stop holding my breath. There's a kind of irony to it, in that she with no experience is the one asking me, with all my knowledge gleamed from countless books, whether I need to stop.

 

"I...I don't want to." I croak, folding close to her, my head tucked against her shoulder. She wraps her arms around mine and kisses my forehead.

 

"We...could try something different then. What...do you want to do?"

 

I linger on her question for a long moment.

 

"...I want to watch you."

 

"H...mm?" She asks innocently.

 

"I want to see...h-how you do it. To y-yourself. S-So I know h-how you l-like it."

 

I hear her heart beat faster under my ear as she processes the request.

 

"O-Oh..." Her voice is small and pretty and shy, "...I...I don't really know h-how, I...I've only ever kinda, just...rubbed on blankets sometimes, I've never...touched-uhm-"

 

A wry, tired smile tugs at my lips despite my fragile state. I should be more surprised, but somehow I'm not.

 

"...I-It's fine then, nevermind-"

 

"-Will you help me?"

 

My heart must've lurched nearly out of my chest. I sit up and stare at her incredulously.

 

"...I...I think I could do it if you helped me..."

 

"Y-Yeah. I'll help you."

 

I help her sit upright and to my surprise, she reaches into the bag from before, withdrawing the silk blindfold and passing it my way.

 

"C-Can you put this on me...? F-From what I was reading it might help..."

 

"A-Are you sure?"

 

"Yeah."

 

The readiness of her answer reassures me that she isn't simply doing it to make it more appealing to me, as much as I can't deny the ache between my legs that persists once I've tied it into place, once I'm laying eyes on her blinded form. I stroke some of her bangs from her forehead regardless.

 

"H-Hey, Komaru?"

 

"Y-Yeah?"

 

"While...while you're doing it...can I write about you?"

 

Her lips part with faint surprise and I'm startled by how expressive she can still appear even with her eyes covered.

 

"Y-Yeah, that's fine."

 

"O-Okay. I'm...going to get my notebook." I tell her before leaving her side to retrieve it. When I return, I sit back to back with her. I can feel her heart pounding, but her cardigan obstructs the sensation. "Can...you get your cardigan off?"

 

"Mmhm." I stare at the paper in front of me, focusing in on the sensations I'm feeling.

 

[Your fingers pry at worn buttons, shedding yourself of the threadbare garment with a falling whisper of fabric.]

 

"...Should I just take off my shirt too...?"

 

"Y-Yeah. G-Go ahead."

 

I don't really believe it's happening until she actually moves to take off her shirt.

 

[You closes the hem in your fingers and your spine arches forward as you tug it off overhead. Your skin is radiating heat and-and-]

 

I can't write another word. I hear her voice like I'm underwater.

 

"Do you...wanna take off your shirt too?"

 

I feel my vision vignette at the edges with the impact of the innocuous question. Instantly any number of excuses start springing to mind. My skin isn't clear and soft or pretty like hers. I don't have as much, if anything to look at. I'm hideous enough when I'm clothed.

 

What comes out instead is-

 

"...Why?"

 

"So we can...match? I don't know."

 

[You'd never take issue with my body the way I do. All you want is to be closer.]

 

"I-If you help me."

 

Without a word she turns around and loops her arms under mine fumbling cautiously at my chest. I suck in a breath as her chest presses against my back, and she clumsily undoes my ribbon before seeking out the buttons. After a struggle she manages to open all of them. The air that hits the keyhole of exposed skin makes me shake like a leaf, and I can't help but grab onto her warm hands, halting them as they begin opening my shirt around my shoulders.

 

"I-I'm sorry-"

 

"Not yet, right?...It's okay, Touko." Her tone brooks no disappointment and I breathe a sigh of relief. "Do you want me to button it back up?"

 

"H-Heh, I'm not that cruel. You had a hard enough time getting them off. It's...it's fine. This much is-I can handle it."

 

As she settles back in behind me, I feel marginally calmer, even though I feel less like she unbuttoned my shirt and more like she unbuttoned my heart.

 

"I...I'm ready, Touko."

 

My fingers tremble around my pen and I swallow hard. "O-Okay, then..." My brow knits in concentration, "...Y-Your thighs. Just...take turns t-touching them. It doesn't matter what side you start on-if the inside is too much th-then-"

 

Her hands move, obediently, and I resist the urge to turn around and look for myself just yet, not wanting to startle her into stopping. I close my eyes and watch her from my imagination instead, taking a deep, nervous breath.

 

"Y-Your skin is soft...i-isn't it?"

 

"Mmh..." Her breath hitches and the sound hits me with the force of a punch to the stomach. _Fuck_. I hear the elastic of her bra straining with her breath and my throat almost closes up. Whatever focus I'd tried to maintain in transcribing the sensations is swiftly disintegrating. Ink stains my fingers as they press too hard on the nib.

 

"O-Open your legs a little wider. Wh-When you're ready-" The words are scarcely out of my mouth when I feel her shift from behind me, leaning the back of her head on my shoulder. My hand moves to write only two words.

 

[You're perfect.]

 

I can't even think how nonsensical this page is becoming with its clashed pacing and interrupted streams of thought. I'm just painfully aware of the feel of her skin and the scent of her hair. She doesn't hesitate when I give her an instruction and her complete faith and lack of doubt in me in this kind of situation gives me a strange feeling.

 

She nuzzles against my shoulder, prompting me out of my reverie. "Touko..."

 

"D-Don't rush me, I'm thinking-!" She giggles airily behind me at my outburst. _Cheeky girl_. "If...If you're ready...y-you can put your hand..." I swallow, cursing my dry mouth, my cowardice. _I've written worse_. "...L-Lower. Under your skirt."

 

[You slowly obey, and let out a keening whine that burrows into me like a rose's thorn.]

 

"J-Just...do it over the fabric for now. A-And...be careful. D-Don't try to do anything if it hurts-it shouldn't ever hurt. If it starts to just-just stop and try something else."

  
  
Komaru's breathing gets much harder and I patiently put my pen on the page once more. Her every movement feels traced onto my skin and I direct it towards my fingers until the words come.

 

[Don't hurt yourself. Treat your body as kindly as I couldn't my own.]

 

"T-Touko...I-I feel funny-"

 

I can hear something slick accompanying each movement of her fingers.

 

"I-It's okay. You're doing g-good..."

 

"T-Touko, I-I need help..."

 

"Y-Yeah, okay-"

 

I cautiously shift around and she sinks back into my arms, between my legs, shrinking into me like she's afraid of herself. Her pleated skirt obscures her hand like a privacy screen and her chest heaves.

 

"J-Just touch me-" She whimpers, answering my question before I can voice it, "-a-anywhere-"

 

I hug her around her shoulders, raising her chin with my forearm as I kiss the corner of her mouth.

 

"You...you promised me you'd stop me if...if you-"

 

"Y...Yeah." She nuzzles back blindly, "I promised."

 

"...Go ahead and keep doing whatever feels good. I'll help."

 

"O-Okay."

 

One of her bra straps slides down her arm and I trace it back into place with a finger before kissing her shoulder, the corner of her mouth once more. She tilts her head until our lips meet, and we indulge one another without a word, my hand trailing beneath her skirt to find hers, guiding it under the last barrier of fabric that remains. She's humid and warm, slick to the touch, and she gasps brokenly as our fingers clumsily slide over that space together. A desperate sound passes from her lips to mine with each imprecise motion, and I chase it greedily, parting her below her skirt with my fingers, stoking her raw to the rhythm of the feverish whimpers spilling one after another from her mouth.

 

The friction and movement of our kiss causes her blindfold to slip. It hangs loosely around her neck when I part from her lips with surprise, and the look on her face is not one I'd soon forget. Her cheeks are stained red with love and her eyes are teary and bright. Drool coats her lips from our intense kiss and she looks utterly debauched in every way.

 

But she says to me:

 

"T-Touko...you're so, so pretty..."

 

Swallowing, and closing her eyes as she looks at me like I'm everything in the world. Her hand trembles around mine under her skirt, and our fingers are sticking together. Any other time and any other person I'd find the sensation revolting.

 

My cheeks burn as she kisses them-sweet and loving-her hand pulling my wrist with a certain sense of purpose-I get the message and slowly, slowly sink my middle finger inside to the knuckle, and her other hand balls itself in the fabric of my shirt as I do.

 

"A-Aaahh-mmh-"

 

Her body is relaxed against mine and I move it carefully inside of her before adding my ring finger. Komaru's hips raise encouragingly to meet my hand and I take my time with her, listening with a cautious ear for any sign of distress as my fingers stroke in and out, curling experimentally.

 

"Y-You're so- _warm_ -" I struggle to articulate, breathing with her. She moans dreamily in response, sweat beading along her brow and down her throat. There's resistance when I spread my fingers slightly, but I move slowly and her body acquiesces to my intentions. Her teeth clench, lips curling, voice breaking.

 

"T-Touko, a-ahh, please, _please_ -"

 

I move slightly faster and stroke my thumb just over where I'm inside of her, finding the most sensitive place I can reach and massaging it, fumbling and clumsy, but I can hear in her voice how _close_ she is-

 

"K-Komaru, you-" I pant, laughing short and breathless, "-sound _amazing_ -"

 

"I'm-gonna _die, Touko_ -" She weeps painlessly, her mouth wobbling and quivering, and I still it with my own, feeling her body squeeze around my fingers before relaxing. She trembles and mumbles nonsense under her breath and I lay her down carefully before gently removing my fingers, feeling a pang of guilt when she flinches, her body resisting the motion.

 

"Th-There, you...didn't die, did you?" I tease her, out of breath as I lean over her.

 

"Wh-What about you-? I'm sorry, I couldn't-you know-"

 

"Later." I can't believe she'd worry about me now at a time like this.

 

But then again, it is a very...'her' thing to do. She tugs at me until I lay beside her and then bundles herself into my arms, looking exhausted but impossibly beautiful at once.

 

[A woman in love is the most beautiful of all.]

 

[I can see two of them when I look into your eyes, when we exchange lazy kisses, talking long into the night.]

 

She throws her arms around my back and nestles close, her breath hot against my unbuttoned heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there everyone! Sorry this chapter is slightly late but it's a monster: it's over 5700 words and I kinda skipped work to finish working on it. For about 20 hours I sat in the same place on my bed passing out and waking up and eating a donut or two just to get it done and it's finally here! The rating has also been nudged up, as I'm sure you'll notice. Thank you all so much for your support and I hope you enjoyed this very very special chapter, it took a lot of blood sweat and tears to create. Heads up that I might take a mini-hiatus next weekend as a result because I kinda exhausted myself with this like nothing before. But I hope it tides you over! Thanks for all your support!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I'm SO sorry this took so long: my break week turned into the literal week from hell and I got into a car crash. I was okay but it was still a nightmare and I was in no state to do much but I tried to plug away and make progress. Then believe it or not my dad got into a car crash just days ago so things have been wild. October is being a little too spicy for me right now. But, I'm really sorry this took three weeks, I'm gonna try to shoot for two at most from now on. If this chapter seems a little off or indulgent just...don't mind it too much I figured you guys would be alright with a little more of this sort of thing. I wanted to update last week but then had really good ideas for it that I think were worth the extra time and effort in the end. Thanks so much for all your support guys and once again I'm sorry it's so late!

Light from the window warms my back. My chest feels hot when I wake up, even without the top half of my uniform on.

 

"Hmph. S-Someone slept well." Touko's dry snark is leavened with an affectionate hand stroking through my hair and a husky timbre rumbling her voice suggestively. I nuzzle into her hand apologetically.

 

"Y-Yeah, I guess I was real exhausted..."

 

I must sound so silly, when Touko did all the...work. All I'd been responsible for was unbuttoning her shirt a few notches. My eyes follow the keyhole of skin and I hum low in my throat, readjusting myself so I can feel the skin of her chest against mine; she blushes darkly as I lay over her.

 

"J-Jeez, Komaru-" Her fingers glanced tenuously along my sides, and her cool fingers sent a shiver down my spine, "-for a virgin you sure don't have any problems p-pressing all over me like this..."

 

Her words feel like a crack spreading down my suddenly glass heart.

 

I'd always kind of wondered, with how she called me that, like...

 

...Like it wasn't the same as her.

 

Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if the idea of Touko doing this sort of thing with-with someone else-

 

-if the idea didn't make me feel like I could cry. I really didn't know anything about this, not like she does.

 

And-

 

_I don't want to imagine Touko being with anyone but me._

 

It's horrible of me to think this way. I should be thankful for whatever kind of happiness she'd had, not be selfishly wishing it away so that I could've been the only one.

 

But-could I even measure up to Byakuya? Touko would want-would deserve children. I can't give her that. And-she talked about him like he was god's gift to women or something, even though from what I've seen of him he's kind of a jerk-

 

She-she _used_ to, anyway.

 

I finally manage to lift my head and put my voice back together.

 

"I-I'm sorry, Touko-I'm not like you, I've never done this before, so-"

 

"W-Wait, Komaru-"

 

"-so I know I probably didn't compare to B-Byakuya...a-and on top of that, I wasn't e-even born a man, I can't even-"

 

I stop short as Touko's hand gently covers my mouth.

 

"K-Komaru, stop-y-you really... _really_ don't have to apologize for that-" She seems suddenly more nervous than I expected her to be, but I find it somehow comforting; she looks about as flustered as I feel.

 

Her fingers are chilly. I close my eyes and press kisses into her palm.

 

"B-Besides..." She adds in a lower voice: I see her throat move as she swallows, and after my gaze hungrily follows the motion, it comes to linger on her lips as she speaks-

 

"...I thought about you for a-a long time." Her tone leaves her meaning completely unambiguous. "N-No one has ever-trusted me like you do, Komaru-so...to touch you, so-so deeply was-" Touko's eyes dart away from mine evasively as a huge grin spread across her face, a red tint overtaking her cheeks.

 

Seeing her smile like that made me want to smile too.

 

"...Yeah." I held my hand over hers and she dragged it lovingly over my cheek.

 

"Y-You liked it though, r-right?"

 

"Huh?" Her sudden apprehension surprises me and I blink owlishly at her. "Yeah, I-I loved it, I didn't know something like that could feel so good..."

 

Touko looks like she's considering my words a lot more carefully than I was. The urge to smooth the worried crinkle knitting her brow with my lips overwhelms me. I open my mouth as if to say something, to ask something, but I stop. Her glasses get foggy as I lean close to satisfy the impulse, and her fingers slip down to cradle my throat, to trace my vitals. Her mouth tilts under my chin, lips hot and greedy under my jaw. I squeak as her other hand settles into the space behind one of my knees, hiking it higher, closer.

 

"M-Mmnh..."

 

"...Y-You've only ever done it the other w-way." She intones, as though ascertaining it to herself. "B-By yourself, so...so it makes sense. And-never inside, r-right?"

 

"Y-Yeah-" _Oh, god._ My voice creaks under the weight of her words as they cinch my throat tight with their intent, the purpose behind them meant to draw from me the truth about exactly how I pleasured myself. I can't believe this is happening. "Y-You're...you're my first, Touko..."

 

She looks so pleased that I can forget all about the momentary tension on my heart strings from the reminder that she has experience I lack. A wolfish smile curves her lips, its impression unforgettable against my skin, and I gulp as heat pools between my legs.

 

"C-Could've fooled me." Her breath is heavier, now, hot and labored, "Y-Your body was so- _relaxed_ , Komaru-" A pleasant heat melts the knot in my gut as she moves her lips, making love to each and every word she speaks to me; "-And you're...you were so warm, inside and out." Her knee lifts from between my legs and the pressure makes me sigh loudly, needy against her throat. My hips ache more with each passing moment that I fight to keep them still, but she rocks her knee slowly back and forth, and my body follows along helplessly. "I was worried I'd hurt you, but-putting even-even more than one-" Her lips curl coyly at the memory and I feel suddenly and inexplicably as though I'm wearing absolutely nothing at all, "-it was so...easy. E-Even more than-for m-m-myself-"

 

"R...Really?" I slowly link her words to images in my mind, struggling to remain lucid through the mounting sensation from where her knee touches me, like an arrow digging slowly up my stomach, and I see her in my imagination, reaching a quiet hand under the covers, her breath shaking; whose name would she whisper-?

 

"Y-Yeah. That's why I wasn't sure-whether or not you'd been your own first time, if it'd even be a big deal or not."

 

"But-it was really important to me! I'd never even kissed anyone before. The-the closest I came before you was...well, Chieko asking me a long time ago if I wanted to try it with her-"

 

Touko's knee stops abruptly.

 

"Sh-She wanted to kiss you-?!"

 

"W-Well-I dunno about me specifically, I think she was just really disappointed that middle school had started and she hadn't gotten to kiss any boys yet-I didn't really care about that stuff as much, but I was over at her house for the night to study and...she kinda just asked me out of the blue if I'd try it with her."

 

Touko is quiet, and the absence of sound or movement in the air around us makes the feelings inside me from just moments before keen for attention, something greedy coiling me up inside when I look into Touko's eyes and see the hooded look waiting below the surface, as though all it needs is for her lashes to raise a hair's breadth wider, letting in just a sliver of light to serve as the catalyst spark, to bridge the gap between one profound realization to the next, between hers and mine:

 

This is a moment where anything can happen.

 

"...You didn't."

 

"Y-Yeah. I told you that-"

 

"How come?" Touko asks without a sliver of hesitation.

 

"I-I don't know-"

 

"Was it that you wanted to save it, or something?"

 

"N-No. Well...yes, and no-"

 

"Wh-Which is it?"

 

"I just-didn't have a reason. And I didn't know what it would be like. I-you know I get kinda scared about trying new things. You saw how I was."

 

"I did. But-" Her chin tilts and her lips move over mine as she speaks, "-we've...both changed, right?...T-Together."

 

As though the word had shattered some hidden balance we'd been keeping, her lips chased mine, deep and hungry. My body responds after overcoming the initial shock, gradually coming alive at her touch once more as her hands map my figure. I moan into her mouth as I feel the familiar flick of her tongue against mine, drawing along my lips and catching her teeth along their surface. The skin of her thigh presses hot between my legs and I buckle towards her, kissing back like it's the only way I know, like she is my way, the way a wolf howls for the moon. My fingers curl as her grip on my leg, in my hair, _tightens_ , crushing my chest to hers. I stare at the shape of her mouth as our kiss is broken, mine quivering with anticipation for a reunion as her voice sinks bone deep.

 

"Sh-Show me how you do it for yourself. U-Use...use my knee. R-Right now, just...just like this-"

 

I groan her name as I obey, my knees wobbling on either side of her leg as I gain leverage and drag myself along the apex, blushing from the slick sensation painting my inner thighs with each movement.

 

"G-God, Komaru-" The amazement in her voice stirs my heart and a brief sob of pleasure escapes my lips; she sounds so pleased with me that I'm starting to feel shy, but I can't see her expression through my blurring vision, so I endure it, curling my lips breathlessly and moaning behind them as I slump over her chest, nearly spent and wincing with sensitivity, but Touko's hand closes around my arm and tugs my limp form back into place over her, the hand in my hair pulling my lips hard against hers.

 

"Y...Your...Chieko would never kiss you like _this_ , would she."

 

"T...Touko-"

 

She kisses me with even more force than before.

 

She hadn't asked me that looking for an answer, I realize as her eyes scrunch closed in concentration.

 

At least, not from me.

 

_What would...make her say something so cruel?_

 

The glass feeling in my heart feels like it's spreading, and I almost mistake it for fear: but I don't, because I'm not afraid of Touko. I've never known that feeling, even when she'd promised to kill me. I'm not even angry with her, and I'm sure of that because I've known anger with her before, and I know it's not this. I'm not afraid of her no matter how hard she kisses me, because being honest with me was the best thing anyone could ever have done for me, and I want to be truthful with her too.

 

I tighten my hold on her shoulders and they jolt with a spasm of obvious surprise.

 

I know what the glass feeling in my heart is, now.

 

And I understand how the trepid nature of her anxieties and fragility, her insecurity and the strength she had to find to keep herself together in spite of it all, staring up from her shallow grave at a world that had crushed her into the dirt, had held her head down under dark water, had killed her again and again, taking and taking from her-

 

I can feel those fears, she can share them with me, and no matter how much it breaks my heart to know it, I can be with her, because Touko taught me again and again how to mend a spirit that had been crumbled into far finer pieces.

 

I don't want her to look up from under anything that could hurt her ever again.

 

_She didn't say that to be cruel: she said it to survive._

 

_I won't make excuses for her. I won't pretend not to see it._

 

My hands slide over her cheeks, fingers bridged behind the back of her throat, thumbs tracing her sleek cheekbones. Her breath catches and her face contorts with guilt. She blinks quickly and her eyes turn pink.

 

_I'll look her in the eyes-_

 

"And...your Byakuya wouldn't kiss you like this, would he?"

 

I touch my lips to hers, my body to hers, pouring my love into her every way I know how, and she sobs in pain, face red and blotchy, kissing back, shaking in my arms like she can finally, finally feel safe.

 

_-because she doesn't have to feel so guilty if she knows I'm sharing that jealousy with her, like we do with everything else._


End file.
